The kiss of the sun for pardon, The song of the birds for mirth, One is nearer God's Heart in a garden Than anywhere else on earth.
I am not a religious person - not in the slightest. I would entertain the possibility of referring to myself as a spiritual person, but that is really of no consequence for where I am headed with this. The above quote was one which resonated with my mom strongly. She was not only an artist but the most incredible set of green fingers you would ever have met. In fact, I think the garden was her true passion. The artistic talent she was blessed with was her gift.
After divorce, my mom applied for a job which ultimately ended up becoming her career and they were looking for a MAN - stipulated in the advert. I LOVE that she applied for it regardless! She got it too and from where I sat as a young girl, those were some of the happiest years of her life. She truly shone!
My mom was also a great writer, no - she never really allowed that facet of talent to develop here on Hive because I think she had already given up on life – unbeknown to me, or any of us – she had been living with breast cancer for several years already. She "started" the writing of her book so many times it brings tears to my eyes even writing this because she never finished it and she really should have! "Tommy" would have been the title. That was her nickname as a little girl.
I have had a few conversations of late and many over the years about people who have faced adversity and challenge in their lives - how it shapes us and the “end results” and I can honestly say that I don’t think I have met many who have been exposed to the amount of SHIT my mother was as a little girl. My mom was born in Zimbabwe and was one of five girls. Her father was a well-regarded man and the head game ranger at Wankie Game Reserve which from what I can tell, has been renamed to Hwange. I found out about my mother’s greatest tragic life experience via a dream.
My mom and I shared dinners every single Thursday. One week I would cook, the other her. It was on one of those evenings which I told her about this dream I had, repeatedly for almost 7 days recurring. Yes, dream recollection is something I am familiar with and have done a lot over the years, but the detail and eerie mood of this one really bugged me, especially because it was making itself KNOWN through recurrence. Without me even knowing it, I described the build-up toward, and the entire scene which was the murder of her sister, by her mother. She shot her point blank in the head in her father’s gun room. As I explained this dream to my mom – I recall her becoming uncomfortable, but she remained silent until I had finished. When I had, she said to me – Jaynie, you have just painted the picture of Val’s death right to the very last detail.
I had a similar experience with the death of my moms closest sister… but that is a story for another day. My point was – I honestly have NO idea how my mother was as good a person as she was throughout her life – but she was. She endured MANY things which eventually did break her, sad to say, but she put a smile on for 71 years and FUCK, that is a LOT more than many do. I miss her so very much! She was my BEST friend! Always was, always will be. Despite my defiance, she stood my by side. Encouraged me, loved me and gave me EVERYTHING she lacked as a little girl. Free from fault? No. Are any of us? But she did the best she could with what she had left in her, until she had nothing left and then she waved her white flag.
I never contemplated having to nurse my mother to the point of her dying day, she was a proud woman and having to feel the shame she felt as she lost her dignity will never leave me. Hardest thing I have ever done and I truly DID do the absolute BEST I could. She made a flippant remark to would my sister in law just moments before she left our house for the last time and we admitted her to hospital. "Never thought she would make a good nurse, but she did". That hurt (and continues to haunt) me more than I care to admit, even if it come from a place that "wasn't really her".
People always talk flippantly about the “legacy” they will leave behind when they are gone… my mom was a quiet women. Damn could she scowl without a word, she could hold the current title of Ice Princess truth be told, but that was only ever her insecurity showing through - but she was a lady to the core. A beautiful but broken soul – she loved as unconditionally as she could and she embraced the beauty of simplicity in life. I am grateful for this side of her because it taught me to nurture the same level of appreciation for those things which “actually” matter, and these are roots which I will carry with me always.
I have officially rambled to a point of losing my point. Do I need to have one? Was this one? Who knows… and you know what – who fucking cares! I keep having to remind myself, that this little “space” – is MINE to do with, as I fucking please. Take from it what you will – and leave the rest!
I suppose my point was the “rising up” of us as individuals. Sure, I have had some “adventures in life” you probably have too. My mom was exposed to things she NEVER should have been as a little girl of five. I have also been exposed to things I should not have been, I also CHOSE to expose myself to many things in an attempt to escape the wounds already there…we ALL have our stories.
I walk around my dads garden as a woman, a mother too. As I walk around with the hose, I recall how much time my mom spent in this garden over the years, seeing all of the little “plans” which she clearly had in place for the garden even though it was not hers. I also consider how my father sacrificed of his own life, in the allowing of my mom – his ex-wife, to be a part of this space, take part in family get togethers – staying in his home for the sake of US ALL as their children. It was not perfect, never will be…. But it was ours and I am grateful that we had that.
The "learning" in life is about WHAT you choose to take from what you are presented with, what you choose to do with it and how you choose it to shape you.
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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This was an interesting peek inside your heart, @jaynie... I enjoyed seeing it very much.
Thank you. Appreciate the positive input :)
😎
Your mum sounds lovely, you are blessed you had her, would have given an arm to have a good mum. ♥️
I would love to look into my dreams as have alot of reoccuring ones and some that really puzzle me.
Thank you @karenb54 and I agree - incredibly blessed. Not all daughters can say the same, so I am very thankful! Dream analysis is a fascinating thing to delve into.
Your welcome and i seem going to see if its in my learning site. I have taken a few courses on there. ♥️
A poignant piece, well written and, more importantly, from the heart, a place your mother still resides.
Those we lose are not where they once were, they are everywhere we go as we carry them in our thoughts and memories.
Nothing more needs saying.
Thank you Jaynie.
She most certainly does.
I like that. Thank you.
Most welcome.
Your mother became the strong woman and role model she was by weathering the many storms she encountered throughout her lifetime. She shielded you from what she believed would hurt you by bearing the burdens. And she was successful in all areas, minus your recurring dream over which she had no control...
I've had my share of bizarre dreams with signs/messages through the years -- déjà vu, premonitions, "visits" from deceased loved ones, et cetera -- but never have I ever had an eerie dream experience such as the one you described involving your grandmother and Val! That was a doozy. Hopefully all the skeletons in my family tree are out and I never experience a "subliminal revelation" as you did. Yikes!
Question. After the truth came out, have the haunting murder dreams stopped?
Jaynie, you had a beautiful relationship with your mom filled with fond memories to cherish and bring a smile to your face on the darkest of days. Please take my advice to let go of your interpretation of her saying "never thought she would make a good nurse, but she did" as a negative dig at you. I believe with all my heart she meant it as a compliment and if she had her wish she would have had her last breath in your loving care. Hugs! @jaynie♡♡♡
I know you are right love and sometimes it actually feels really good to have someone else remind me. Yeah the dreams were pretty eerie but no, have not had anything since... thankfully. Well, nothing like that!
Beautiful quote and thank you again for the reassurance sweetie. Means a lot to me!
Go Lizzie! She wouldn't have been her if it hadn't been for her ex[eriences, but, sweet Jesus, couldn't they have waited until she could process before it was hoisted on her?
Honestly, from my short time knowing her, she was such a proud and lovely person who took the time to make everyone feel special. You were lucky to have her, and your love shined through in her last days especially, when she needed you for a change and you stepped up to the plate. You may have thought she lost her dignity, but, when you are that sick, you don't a rat's butt. You did it with love and she recognized that.
Love you, always. Even if you were a good nurse.
Thank you for such kind words honey. My mom was a beautiful woman - inside and out and yes, I was incredibly blessed to have her as a mother. Love you too honey and thank you again xxx
Isn't it sad when our society thinks money is the heritage. Instead of this illusional paper, everyone should have a wast garden with numerous trees and other plants. This is the real heritage for me.
It is indeed sad! And yes, I could not agree more.
What a story about your dream.... Thank you for sharing it with us! I think that walking through the garden brings many beautiful memories for you