While I've got the momentum going, I'm writing daily comedy acts, of about ten minutes long each. This is the fourth in the series, and together they will make up an entire comedy show in time, at this rate.
I'm on a roll as far as writing material goes, because my life has been interesting and unusual, even if somewhat humble. I have a diverse set of experiences to choose from for material.
It helps to spend a lifetime in preparation, which is my excuse for why I'm only pursuing this now so late in life. I never took it seriously until now. Who can take humor seriously anyway? It's a big joke actually.
Nevertheless, the ability to make fun of oneself is very healthy and shows a mature ego, especially if it's going to be up on a stage. I will have to see how that goes. For now it's still at the writing stage.
The material below might not sound very funny to read, you need to see it performed by me. Nevertheless, I write it down now to record it at least, for the collection. I may never get to perform it, so at least let it be added to the vast and increasing catalogue of random words which is my legacy, sounding like a fury and signifying nothing.
After all, and this may be material for another comedy act, as we age, our memory goes and we forget so much about who we were, so to counter that I write as much down in these essays, so that as my memory goes in the coming years, I can go back and read it all and remember.
image: source
A body for comedy and religion
My body was born for comedy
I mean, just look at this face (turns to show profile)
I was considering calling my show...
The Nose
It’s my most outstanding feature
There is no other like it
No denying, so I may as well flaunt it.
(in different voice)
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight live,
all the way from..down the road
the one and only
Mr Nose!
(in my own voice)
No, er it’s The Nose, just The Nose
Because a wine connoisseur is not the only one who needs a good nose
You also need to be born with a nose for comedy
And that I have, I was born for this
Like I was born tall...it’s obvious
being tall is great
until I need to shave in the bathroom
which seems to invariably have the mirror
just that bit too low on the wall
for me to quite see my face (giraffe stance trying to shave)
and the light is usually either too bright or too dim
so shaving the face is like
night driving with the oncoming traffic on brights (squint)
I come out of the bathroom
looking like a patch quilt
(different voice)
“what’s up with you face?”
(feels face with hand)
No, it’s the new look,
I do it for texture
You’ve heard of the Wolverine?
I’m the Parakeet (turns to show profile)
My new totem animal is the Parrot
it’s just perfect for a comedian like me
A chirpy chap, full of words and backchat
sometimes grey, sometimes colorful, never dull
seeing the world from high above
observing the ways of humanity
cursing like a pirate
Always winging it
I could go far with this
I always wanted to be like a parrot
or any bird for that matter,
able to travel long distances with the greatest of ease,
I’m always amazed at how far they can glide,
floating like a feather, or a bunch of feathers,
without a single flap of the wing,
just soaring and gliding, making it look so easy,
looking down on us all, like the gods in the clouds,
like angels, or ascended masters,
the world is but a plaything to them,
a ball on a string, being swung around and around
by the sun at the centre,
what lucky birds, free as a bird they say
because that’s how it must feel
to be able to fly like that,
so what if you can’t speak,
there are no words to describe what their experience,
they just have to look at each other,
with that knowing look of like
I’ve seen it all buddy,
I know the bigger picture,
and it goes without saying,
because the way that can be described with words
is not the way,
words only get in the way,
but they are not the way,
so the bird has risen above even the need for speech,
they just screech,
like a gull at the beach,
always just out of reach.
Like the absolute truth,
Sometimes in deep meditation
you feel as if you glimpse it for a fraction of a second,
but then it slips away,
like a dream that was there but fades as we awaken.
For the bird however, life is a permanent dream,
all in color, everything revealed,
but no words to describe it
because dreams are mainly in pictures.
And a picture is worth a thousand words,
so the bird, because he has seen so many pictures,
has tanscended the need for the word,
for him it’s just absurd,
that we need to use the word,
the bird is like – “just see for your self man,
the view says it all,
what more can I say?”
And we are like “wow bird,
all I can say is Word,
if I could see what you can see,
I would be enlightened too”.
So I decided to start a new religion,
our totem animal symbol is the bird,
like a hawk,
and our bible is Google Earth.
I mean, you just open google earth
and there is the vision of the bird,
all is revealed, the truth lies before you in every image,
of every piece of land that exists here,
in our earthy terrain,
our mortal heavier-than-air existentce,
shackled by the evil spell of that devil...
Gravity.
You say there’s already a hawk religion,
they call him Horus.
Ok we’ll hijack that one and usurp it for our own,
the masses won’t know a thing,
that’s what all new religions did in the past,
they just took the already existing religion,
and spruced it up a bit,
gave it a fresh coat of myth and legend,
changed a few names,
and bingo, Bob’s your uncle, and Jesus is your messiah.
But we all know that those priests
of the new religion of Jesus
simply borrowed the old pagan religion
which the people were already deovted to,
and wrapped it up in new garments.
It’s what I call Old wine in new bottles.
I mean it’s obvious.
The pagans, bless their souls,
were all sun worhsipers.
I mean who wouldn’t be?
It grows our crops, keeps us warm,
to us it’s god, man.
So the early new religion’s elders came together,
the desert dwellers, in a cave somewhere,
and they said - we’ll keep the sun, we’ll just call him the son.
In that way people will still worship the sun.
It went from the sun is god to the son of god,
a mere minor adjustment, hardly noticeable.
And the pagans worshiped the mother goddess, with her son,
as in isis and Horus the hawk, if you know your egyptian theology.
So we’ll give the position of son to Jesus,
and we’ll bring in his mother Mary
and tada... we have the new myth,
people will love it.
Same myth actually, just new names,
they won’t suspect a thing.
And that’s how it went for a few hundred years.
The new myth slowly overtook the old myth,
telling the same story, that our god is the sun,
but with different names.
The problem though, was that people adopted the new relgion,
but they were just doing their own thing,
making their own pact with god
and building their own stairway to heaven,
and the elders didn’t like that.
They wanted to be in charge
and have dominion over the people.
You couldn’t just have everyone
making their own way back to godhead,
they would realize that you can do it for yourself,
and they wouldn’t give us any respect,
we would become insignificant and lose our power.
So they decided to insert themselves into the myth,
for control and political power, that’s what priests do.
They reworded the religion,
so that you could only get to god, back to heaven,
via an intermediary, an agent,
like a travel agent, namely the priesthood.
Which is absurd because we are worshiping the sun remember,
and the sun is there, its everywhere, for everyone, all the time,
you just turn and face the sun
and there you are,
bathed in the merciful glance of your god,
showered with warmth and light.
And below your feet is mother earth,
the mother is everywhere, at all times, for everyone,
so who actually needs an agent
to connect us with our gods, our source, our highest power?
No one. But no, the priests,
who were the only ones who could read and write language,
they inserted themselves into the myth as the gatekeepers,
using written words and language, word jugglery,
which is why in our new religion of the bird, the hawk,
we follow the way of the bird,
wordless, no speech required,
the sun, moon and earth speak for themselves.
They are our gods.
And we won’t be sheep needing the good shepherd,
we’ll be birds of paradise, with the hawk as our totem.
Horus would be proud,
though we won’t reveal the old pagan name of the god
to our flock...of birds,
not sheep remember.
They may notice that we’re just
borrowing some old myth and remixing it,
like a Madonna pop song that becomes a massive hit for her,
but is actually an Abba remix from a decade before.
But if you’re a youngster you don’t know that,
you just think your idol is the one,
the most creative
(sings) Every little thing that you say or do...
you do know that that 2005 song called “Hung up” by Madonna
which was a massive worldwide hit for her,
is actually a remix of Abba’s less well known
1979 song “Gimme Gimme”... “
(sings) Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight...
They use the same melody, almost identical,
they just change the lyrics.
And it’s the same with religion.
The new priests, who are often just politicians disguised as priests,
take the old myths that the people know and love,
and they rewrite them with new words
and put themselves as the gatekeepers.
So my new bird religion is in good company.
And we’ll tell the people the truth,
our theology is the same as it always was,
we worship the sun, and the moon
(sometimes because she is sometimes there and sometimes not)
and the earth.
After all, the truth is funnier than fiction,
so whaterver I tell you, in the name of comedy,
is actually the truth...
at least 80% of the time.
It’s the 80/20 principle.
80% truth, 20% poetic licence,
just like religion.
Or is it the other way around?
20% truth, 80% poetic license
Who knows?
God knows.
And with my god nose,
I will be the perfect high priest
for the new old relgion of Horus the hawk.
But we will be 100% open about it all.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, that’s all for now, until next time fly high and fly free.