In light of my quest to bring healing to those with mental health issues, like depression, I am inspired to write stand-up comedy. As the hardest art of all to master, it will challenge me to bring the best out of myself as I teach myself this new skill.
I don't know how good any of this material will be on stage, but my current program is to write something every day, if I can. NO pressure, just something inspiring me lately, so I'm running with it.
Being able to laugh at oneself and at life really helps a lot. It keeps the ego in place if I can be self-reflective, and self-demeaning and humble. At the same time I'm talking about myself or my personal experiences.
I personally find writing this very humorous and funny so it uplifts my day. I hope it can do the same for you, though the mere written word may not be quite as effective as standing up on stage and saying it with all the right inflection and timing.
This act probably needs some polishing, but I wanted to publish it here already, just for the record, and to keep the momentum going. Once I've performed it a few times, I will see what needs editing and refine the lines.
image: source
The Pet sitter
I live the most awesome life.
I get paid to be on holiday.
People pay me to hang out in their house
for weeks on end
eat their food, watch their tv
sleep in their bed
swim in their pool
and walk their dog
because I’m their pet sitter
a job with the word sitter in it,
that sounds about right for me,
nothing hard about that
What could be easier than sitting around
maybe a job in a sleeper cell?
whatever that entails
sounds like you can do it lying down
like a job testing couches or recliners
for quality control
I’m actually quite a lazyboy, always have been
why work hard
when you can sleep on the beach for free?
under the stars, swim in the sea all year long
in this holiday town for millionaires
that I happen to be gate-crashing
being lazy, I decided to find the easiest, simplest job
that would make me enough money to survive,
and it comes with the added work bonus
of a house to live in.
You’ve heard of a company car
I get a company house by the sea
in the best holiday town in the country
I live the holiday life for my clients
and they pay me
What more could I want
this is the easiest job in the world
I don’t know why more people aren’t doing it
It beats getting up every morning to put on a fancy outfit,
get in your car and drive for miles in busy traffic
to an office full of other people you have no desire to see
and do a job that feels like prostitution,
or at least selling your time for money,
your freedom for food and shelter.
It makes no sense to me.
I found a job that comes with free food
and a house built in as a perk
Along with the salary.
The only person I have to see in the morning is Rover.
And he doesn’t mind what I wear to work to feed him,
as long as his bowl is full and he gets his run on the beach.
What a life. A busy day consists of getting up at dawn...
to go to the beach!
If I’m really busy, then my appointment book fills up
with a grand total of... one meeting,
which lasts about 10 mins.
I arrive at the client’s house,
they hand me the keys to the place
and the car in the garage,
and boom, they’re gone,
off to the airport to enjoy their journey,
while I enjoy living their life as them in their home,
for weeks, with their dog.
And they pay in hard cash on their return.
What a pleasure.
Been doing it for years
I bet that I have stayed in more houses in my town
than anyone else in the entire town right now.
And that is a rare feat.
Only a prostitute could do better
Sleeping around they call it
Plus I know more bitches than a rapper who does rhymes for dimes
I see Rover in the morning and I’m like “what’s up dawg”
And he’s jumping about all happy to see me
man’s best friend, they say, and I must agree
These are bitches without the bitching
Always there for you, always happy to see you
It makes life a walk in the park
easiest free money in the world
What a fun way to live life
anyone can do this job
enjoy the classiest lifestyle in the country
and pay for none of it
All you need as qualification... is to be... like Jesus
able to live in their world, but not be of their world
be able to jump right in to all the opulence
yet walk away with none of it when your time is up
the servant of the king enjoys as good as the king
And while the kings away, the knave will play
with his bitch, and sleep in his bed, all night long
You can only do this job
if you feel like you already have everything
That you need nothing
even though you have nothing
because the job gives you everything
a house, a car, a tv, a washing machine
and a dog
Yet at the same time you have nothing of your own
no home to care for, no plants to water,
no rates, no insurance, no taxes, no staff, no expenses
and no dog
which is totally fine by me
I call that freedom
so you see it’s an easy job
but not everyone can do it
most people aren’t detached enough
they still need stuff to feel whole,
to fill the hole, in their soul
But I have all that stuff already
I just need some food and a place to crash
so I’m good to go
like a happy dog
always wagging his tail
You know how it’s said
that we imbibe the qualities of the people
with whom we surround ourselves?
That’s why I’m so easy to please
I don’t sweat the small stuff
They also say that if you lay down with dogs,
you will wake up with fleas
how it’s a dog’s life?
None of that is true
Sure, I’m always itching to go,
wolfing down my food,
chasing my tail...
But most of us would give our canine teeth for a dog’s life
Your humans hire for you your own personal butler (points to himself)
who is there to fulfil your every need
be there for your every feed
and you just get to lie around all day, as much as you wish
maybe go for a little run on the beach,
play around with the ball
and then go home for dinner
what a pleasure
I would love that life
actually I have that life
I am the most qualified for this job
because for this job you need to able to
do nothing
to sit around, it’s in the job title
and I can do that
nothing comes easily to me
wait, that came out wrong
I do nothing, and everything is done
that sounds better,
zen and the art of pet sitting
this is truly the most zen job in the world
other than tight rope walking perhaps
simply be here now, and get paid for it
do less and be more
and once people get to know you’re good at doing nothing,
they are eager to hire you
“Please, come and do nothing at my mansion,
I will pay you, just sit there, enjoy the ocean view,
here’s some money, just enjoy and please have fun”
I will work like a dog, earning the millions to buy the mansion
pay all the bills to maintain it, you just come and live in it for free
and pet my dog, who does no work at all.
The dog really has the king’s life
he gets to sit on all of the sofas
and be fed on schedule by his personal butler
Rover is my raison d’etre
my be all and end all
I get paid to have fun, and play on the beach with Rover.
If you’re good at doing something, then they won’t hire you
because it means you will be away all day doing that thing,
and not hanging out doing nothing with Rover,
that’s why they hire me
because I’m good for nothing.
basically I work from home, your home,
your home is my home,
that’s a turnaround for you
“it’s a dogs life” I’m happy to report
and life has never been easier
so if you need a butler for your dog,
who can keep him company and tell him jokes,
then give me a call, I’ll be only too happy
to sit and have fun at your place for you all day long,
while you pay me in hard cash.
Thank you very much, and good night.