I know, it's been a long time since I posted anything. I actually really wanted to write a lot from my mom's, I spent about 2 weeks there, but I have just been crazy busy, still am. It's definitely been the most intense time for me in quite some time, both emotionally and practically. I have long 'to-do'-lists and I'm really doing my best to accept my current life situation. And I remind myself I'm facing all of this now because I'm ready for it. And things will work out.
To summarize my time spent at my mom's. It was really nice and a big relief to spend time in nature. Even though I had a busy schedule I went for a run or a walk almost every day. I took many pictures (but didn't have time to post about it). My mom cooked for me every day and helped me in so many ways. She also came with me to Stockholm in a fully packed car (I really did my best not to bring so much stuff). I feel very grateful for my mom and I'm very happy to see her so strong and positive again (it's been hard for her to lose her husband and my dad).
I have been back in Stockholm for a week now. I'm slowly starting to adjust but it still feels pretty hard. The first couple of days I couldn't stop crying. It felt terrible being back and having to face the culture here that I so badly wanted to get away from four years ago. I understand that from a global perspective the contrast between Stockholm and Berlin can't be that big but I'm very sensitive to these kinds of things.
I have now unpacked everything and slowly starting to feel that my flat is my home again. Not much has changed really. I'm the one who has changed. And it brings up a lot to be so reminded of the person I was when I was living here before and how unhappy I was. But I know it's possible to change the energy of this place. Once I have some money again I'll buy a few things for my flat to make it feel more aligned with my current energy.
I don't want to think about money too much really but it's hard not to when you don't have enough. I'm busy applying for jobs and I had a job interview yesterday. They really needed people right away so they will let me know today and if I get the job I would start already on Monday! I wasn't really prepared for that and it's adding to my stress level for sure. I have decided to accept the offer though if they do offer me the job. It's not a great job but good enough for now. But the thing is actually that the whole experience, having a job interview, actually really boosted my confidence. Not the fact that I was called to an interview but the actual interview itself. I got so reminded of all the qualifications I have and decided I'll not settle for something that I'm just too overqualified for. During the interview, I really connected to the confident me, I was sure way more confident when I was younger, and I started to think why have I lost this? It's a fact though that the job market is tough at the moment, they had over 400 applications for this position! They told me I was one of their top candidates. And yes, I actually wasn't surprised. So it was great to get this reminder that my qualifications and skills are still valuable for an employer. It doesn't matter so much that I have been absent for four years. So I'm really starting to change my own narrative around this.
It's my reality now that I have to find a job even though I would much rather continue and graduate and have my coaching certificate. But my coach training will have to take a backseat now for some time, unfortunately. I have three clients that I was planning to start working with next week but if I get this job I'll have to tell them I don't have the capacity to hold space for them at the moment. It pains me to do so but I also know I'll be operating from a more confident place in general once I don't have to stress out about my financial situation. This training is very intense and since I left Berlin I haven't been able to keep up. I'm working very much on acceptance at the moment.
I have also done my best to meditate regularly. After a long break, I joined @bewithbreath's live meditations on YouTube earlier this week. I can really recommend his guided meditations, I love them and helps me so much to increase my awareness and feel into my body. Not surprisingly my body is very tense at the moment and my mind is very busy. I feel scattered and exhausted.
But as I wrote earlier,
I know I'm in this situation now and faced with all of this because I'm ready to do so. And I know things will work out. I just have to stay present, open, and willing to face everything. And just don't give up, I know what I want and I'm going to get there.
I didn't want this post to be too pessimistic but at the same time, it's hard for me not to be transparent and honest. I'm grateful though for so many things and I know everything I'm doing will lead to something good. Because I show up every day for myself. When strong emotions arise I express them and let them cycle through me, not letting them stagnate inside my system. I can still have moments when I feel there's no point in doing anything and trying, but these thoughts never stay with me that long anymore. I have done so much work on myself that I now feel I have a strong foundation and also a voice inside of me that tells me to keep going. That I haven't done all of this work for nothing.
Thanks for reading 🙏
Love and blessings to you all 💚
UPDATE: I got the job. I'm starting on Monday. Didn't take long after all to find a job. My busy life will continue...
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Good to see you are making the most of the situation. I know what it's like to live somewhere you don't want to be, and it's true, acceptance is the keyword.
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Thank you @justinparke. Yes, I'm doing my best. I think I'll feel better soon.
You are an example of courage, you have a lot of strength and you keep showing how wise you are. It's a very interesting story that you tell and that will give you a lot of experience and will help you a lot to evolve. Continue with that strength and that mentality, you will be greater than you already are, you will see.
Thank you very much for this kind comment. Thanks for finding my story interesting. It still feels hard to be back here. Yesterday I was crying a lot.
Interesting, is it possible to explain the cultural differences you don't like about Stockholm vs say Berlin? It looks a pretty nice place and yes from my experience in Europe its hard for me to tell the differences between different cities and countries lol I think that's a native person that picks up these things, tourists its more of a sensory overload to take in everything and all the nuances
Wow, well the cultural differences are huge between European countries and cities I would say. Some more similar than others though. But sure, Stockholm and Berlin. Well, Berlin is considered to be one of the most liberal cities in the world and also a very sex-positive place. Berlin has a lot of diversity and a rich cultural life. The club scene in Berlin is world-famous. I usually say 'no matter what you are interested in, you'll find it in Berlin'. There is simply so much stuff going on, all the time. There are also so many startups in Berlin and a thriving tech industry. There's so much food everywhere in Berlin and countless options really. And it's cheap, for Europe Berlin is still cheap. Stockholm, well, Stockholm is just a place where it's very tough to live if you don't have money. Everything is very expensive and people are focused on their career, starting a family, and living within the norm so to say. Not much diversity here. And definitely not much going on compared to Berlin.
Ah, I see so Berlin is more cosmopolitan and has embraced cross-cultural streams which I think most larger cities become to an extent, whereas Stolkholm is still very homogenous, and while I understand your complaints its also about what you make of it. It's not that everyone in one city are the same, the "diverse" thinking crowd are just smaller and harder to find.
It's also relative to the person, so lets say in my city, for people outside Cape Town to come here, they feel its diverse and more accepting, more tech jobs but to me who lived here all their lives I cannot unsee all the dogma surrounding this place
You are right of course, it's what you make of it (at least that's the major part). I think I'll feel better soon. I'm starting my new job today and will get into new routines here. I know it could be way worse of course and I also don't have to live here. I'll give it a couple of months and then I'll see if it's time to sell my flat and leave this place for good.
Not discounting any angst you feel and I totally understand the cost of living argument too, I think we all should go where we feel we are treated best and where our values are aligned with our environment. Some of us will make it work, but others won't we humans aren't set in stone and are meant to be nomadic, we only place golden handshakes on ourselves with our homes or relationships.
I will have to consider making the same steps pretty soon as things aren't looking too rosy for the future. Good luck with your first day at your new job, hope it's all smooth sailing
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STOPI'm sorry I didn't get to this at the time - I meant to, but time got away from me. Change is hard, right? I wonder how the new job is going - that' samazing, well done you. I myself lack so much confidence I'm too scared to do interviews.. so here I am stuck in a job I'm not keen on. Yeah I know right, stupid. Anyway, I'm pleased for you! Miss you - please update soon! @riverflows
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