In this post I write about this special time of the year for me. How drawing (once again) really helped me to navigate intense emotions, the strong connection I feel to my father, and the powerful work I have done the last week as a coach and coachee.
Six years since my father passed
It's been an emotional time, the last couple of days, or week maybe. This time of the year is hard, especially for my mom. And since we are connected I can feel her pain. Today it's six years since my father passed, June 23rd, 2014. A day I remember very well. I was there with him when it happened. In fact, me, my mom, and my brother spent the two last days of his life at the hospital. It was during the brightest weekend of the year, the Midsummer holiday (which is a huge holiday in Sweden, almost like Christmas). And, since I also was born in this time of the year, June 22nd, I had my birthday in the midst of my father passing. Even though it wasn't possible to talk to him I remember I said 'please don't die on my birthday dad'. I felt very selfish in doing so. But I think he heard me, or that I actually didn't have to ask him for that, because he chose to let go one day later. But still, these dates are very connected since then. And in a way, it keeps me connected to my father. It's all part of life, birth and death. I miss him of course but he lives inside of me. I have his strength. And it brings tears to my eyes knowing this. Tears of gratitude. I had such a great dad and I know not everyone is that fortunate.
Even though my dad was very weak towards the end, he drew and painted at the hospital, he could hardly hold the pen...he gave his last painting to me, as a birthday present in advance (I think he finished it about a week before he died). It's not one of his best works of course, but the painting sure is very special to me. I framed it and hung it in my flat. At the moment it's stored at my mom's. I'm happy I have it.
Last week I felt overwhelmed by sadness and doubts. I felt very uninspired. But I decided to draw again, I have felt too busy to do so lately, a bad excuse I know. I wanted to try to draw an iris. This flower usually blooms on my birthday, at least in my parent's garden. It's a strong memory from my childhood. And my father also drew irises. I'm still amazed by how meditative it is for me to draw. It's like I forget everything else, time just passes and I'm completely in the moment. It sure helped me a lot to feel inspired again.
Deep coaching experiences last week
As I have mentioned before, I'm currently in coach training. I coach twice a week and I'm also receiving coaching twice a week. Last week the theme was around family dynamics, most of us carry wounds from our childhood that still affects how we behave and react, especially in intimate relationships. I'm fortunate to have had a 'happy' childhood with loving, caring parents. But even so, it's just impossible to grow up without getting wounded. It's simply impossible to have every need met as a baby and small child. Diving into these topics can be very emotional and I felt very honored to coach and holding space for two women who were ready to dive deep.
The coaching I received went surprisingly deep for me as well. One thing we are practicing is an exercise where you first speak to one of your caretakers and then you connect to and embody your inner masculine or inner feminine. This is a part of you who is already living inside of you.
I was amazed by how powerful this exercise was. I did one session focusing on my inner feminine and one session focusing on my inner masculine. They were both profound experiences but the work I did around my father and inner masculine really affected me a lot. Talking to him made me very emotional and then this powerful, dark, King-like creature emerged as my inner masculine. He wasn't really human. He was stronger than that. Very still. His gaze had a huge impact on everyone who dared to meet it. Then I embodied him and spoke to myself as him. This was what he had to say.
Relax more, you're so hard on yourself. You have everything inside of yourself, you are already so powerful. There's no need to know things because you have so much wisdom and I want you to trust that. There will come a time when you will make use of everything you have done so far in your life and everything will just fall into place. Don't regret things you have done in the past and don't feel like you have wasted your time. Without these experiences you wouldn't be where you are today. You don't need to push to make things happen, it'll unfold for you.
And, go out and enjoy nature more.
My practice partner (my coach for the day) said 'it sounds like your inner masculine really is modeled after your father'. And yes, this is true. Thank you dad. You are with me every day. I know it and feel it. You live inside of me.
Thanks for reading 🙏
Love and blessings to you all 💚
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I am. Another way we're the same! Goodness. I really resonated with this.
I had a beautiful reading with Drrune last week - really special. He even saw it in my chart:
I think woman who have a grounded and beautiful relationship with their father are very, very lucky. I always got the sense that if Dad died - which he will eventually, and likely in next few years - he'll be with me, exactly as you describe here. How lovely you feel that so strongly.
That iris is gorgeous. I had irises in my wedding bouquet!!!!
Thank you 🙏 I’m glad it resonated with you. Yes I remember you have talked about your father earlier. I agree. We are lucky 🍀
Nice to hear about your wedding bouquet 🙂