When I was a little kid, I would fasten myself to the legs of guests like a koala toy clipped onto a pencil. I have always been an affectionate person. I have learnt to quash this affectionate part of myself. Somehow, I picked up that it wasn't socially acceptable to be too demonstrative in public. For years I had a boyfriend who wouldn't hold my hand in public. That was some damage right there. And then I started becoming my self. Not too anything - just perfectly me. It takes us a while to get there in a judgemental world - especially woman. Too fat, too loud, too talkative, too huggy. You have to work hard at shedding those judgements to become you. And when you do, it's liberating. You feel at last that people either love you for you, or they don't, and that's okay. Maybe they aren't your people. Not everyone has to be.
So I owned my affectionate nature. I am the kind of person who will hug you when I first meet you. I always admired that French style greeting of kisses on the cheek - so beautifully intimate. Australians can be so distant. Even my Dad doesn't really hug me - just closes his arms around me when I come at him and jokes to get off. That's him - he expresses his love with words and actions. Hugs? Not so much.
In this strange world we're told to be physically distant, lest we quite literally spread the plague. And yet, in the United Kingdom, when I first saw my ex brother in law after not seeing him for six years? We looked at each other, laughed, and said 'fuck it', and he wrapped his arms around me in a huge hug. He has diabetes and is meant to be shielding, as they call it there. But as he says, life doesn't stop because the government tells you it has to. He has a business to run.
For months in the UK, I'm not able to see friends that I haven't seen in years. When they ease restrictions slightly, we go to see some of our best friends, meeting them and their kids at the beach. When I see them, my heart melts. And you can tell someone else is melting too, by the look in their eyes. He's waiting for me to make a decision, and I do, embracing him. He laughs. 'We knew you'd hug, Kyls', he says. And that feels good, because they know me, and they love me, and it's their instinct to hug too. Claire and I do a theatrical hug, rubbing breasts and giggling. It's been a while, and her boobs are spilling out of her swimmers, so how can I resist?
Returning to Australia, I worry that I won't be able to hug my parents. I message them from hotel quarantine and say I'll see them first so there will be no real danger. Of course they're worried. I get that. Dad's just gone through a couple of years of cancer treatment. They're healthy, but Dad in particular is of the opinion that you do what the 'experts' say - if they say physically distance, do so. My mother in law was the same. It took months for her to hug her own son. I'm sitting on my folks doorstep when they arrive home. Mum gets out of the van and runs towards me, her arms spread, being intentionally cinematically dramatic, as if I'm her long lost daughter returning from her adventures (which I kinda am) and hugs me. Dad does his usual quick hug and 'get off' routine, but I hold him tight on purpose and joke that I'm giving him the plague. He pushes me away and crosses his fingers over in a mock sign of the cross.
At my sisters, it's my oldest nephew and brother in law who greet me and we hug. Lucky my sister wasn't there to see - she's waiting by the fire, and she won't hug. She's adamant. She tells me she'll bump elbows as if that's a substitute. I don't mind - I respect her boundaries. She's not a hugger anyway - she never has been. In some ways I like this world that allows people to say that they don't hug. Some people must hate the social pretence of hugging when it's not something they enjoy. Slowly, I start figuring this new normal of hugging out. Maybe it's not so bad. There's people that will hug, and if they don't want to, they won't. And I won't die if I don't hug - I'll just survive off the hugs I do get.
I believe with all my heart that you can't catch a virus off someone with a quick hug, the face turned sideways. You get it from prolonged contact with people with a virus. I don't think I've ever caught anything off anyone from a hug - a long cuddle with my nephews on the couch when they've got a cold or being in a classroom for hours with kids, sure. But a hug? I'm not going to live in fear because I'm told that such loving exchanges between human beings are no longer a thing. I'll respect the boundaries of others, but if you're a hugger, I'm coming in for my share. It's even nice to be asked. When I call in on a neighbour I feel odd crossing the threshold of his house. I haven't been in someone's house like this in four months and my whole body is feeling the superimposed boundaries that laws have placed on it. It's like walking through a forcefield. I tell him about my trepidation and we talk about the whole hug thing, and how strange that is. We talk about people's fears, and boundaries, and the risks we take to be human sometimes. I am reminded of the woman on the plane from Delhi to England, crying her heart out because she was leaving her family behind and didn't know when she'd see them again. We're all on the plane wearing masks and gloves and it's three days after the pandemic was announced, so everyone's nervous, but she's crying, and my instinct is to hug her. I'm not watching people's suffering and not doing anything because I've been told to be scared. She's so grateful for the gesture she will email me months later to say how much it meant to her in a world where people are scared of each other. I feel upset talking about this moment. He asks if I want a hug, and that human gesture makes me sob. 'Yes!' I said. And I'm wrapped in arms and feel the warmth between us and it makes me happy. These human exchanges are everything. Visiting my friend at her yoga studio in town, I'm greeted with namaste hands - it's a gesture I like the best. The elbow bump is just weird. The hands at the heart greet you in a heartfelt way. It's the eyes again, though, that give it away. An awkward exchange, a dance. We are assessing each other. I know from online exchanges her whole studio is surveilled to make sure they're following sanitation and ten people a class rules, and that she gets mysterious phonecalls from people she suspects are from government agencies, making sure she's adhering to guidelines. A studio across town got fined as someone saw three people in there that weren't socially distanced. The risk is less the virus, and more the powers that be. She quips it's like Gilead - like A Hand Sanitiser's Tale. We can go on pretending it's not, and being frogs in ponds, but the reality is we are being watched - whether it's your neighbour or the police. You have to take your freedoms where you can. 'Are we doing this?' she asks. She's trembling with love. 'Of course, Sal', I say. 'I'm a hugger.' This post is in response to Ecotrain's Question of the Week, which asks us how we feel about hugging in this time of a pandemic of fear, surveillance, and a virus. You can read about it here. https://gateway.ipfs.io/ipfs/QmcGSZxvsXD8YbSCNAo6KWc4a9RjXyRCjWupZdPXJapkXk
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I know what you mean about that gauging whether they'll hug before going in for one! I generally do that even pre pandemic, because some people really aren't huggers and I don't like awkward. I'm also not comfortable hugging just anyone, despite loving hugs from the right person.
ps here's a huggy chicken dust bath cuddle puddle for you..
So adorbs!!
Totally, that's actually really made sense to me. Some people give off no hug vibes and that's fine too.
Not a hugger me , not because i don't want to , i am afraid that one that hugs me gets burned to dust while doing just that . As for i stared in to the void until it stared back at me .
But i promised my friends that will after 5 months finally arrive here tomorrow , that i will hug them ... :-)
Here's a song , about reasons not to hug . And please keep being a hugger , these times the world needs it . :-)
ENGAGEtokens.Thankyou! I'll listen when I am up. Burned to dust? Goodness. You DO need a hug. Xx It'll be nice to see your friends soon.
!ENGAGE 10
It has been scientifically proven after extensive test and experimentation that I am the world's best hugger. I know, it's impressive.
I propose a further experiment where I, the world's best hugger, and you, the worlds most enthusiastic hugger, actually hug and see what happens. I'm sure it will be hugtastic.
That’s some epic science man! It might be the subject of a study, this embrace if it ever happens! I’ll write a paper on it. Publish it in New England Journal of Hug Medicine.
Lol..All the name of science mate. A collaboration between Riv and me could, and I say this with all due humility, be Nobel Prize winning.
Haha - love that!!! I'll pay you in hugs to see that happen. Can we have a three way hug right now?
I think it might be hugatopalyptic!!!
!ENGAGE 25
That comment made me smile ALOT. xx
Needing some hugs right now to be honest.
Oh no - why so?
Last Friday I lost my best friend, Merlin, my cat of 22 years. I was heart broken. 2 days ago my dad passed away. I wrote about both.
Oh honey... I am so sorry.
X
ENGAGEtoday.@abh12345 The irony of your bot placing this on this comment is killing me. @galenkp - that'll teach you to talk about the hug bomb.
Lol.
aweeeee.. thanks for sharing so many beautiful stories.. especially the part about you hugging that poor old woman.. such a wonderful gesture.. YES!!!
Good for you! I’m glad you’re a hugger and say fuck it to this nonsense. One of the worst things happening right now is the psychological damage to people to be afraid of others. That’s the second part of this bullshit agenda, I’m absolutely sure. They are constantly trying to dehumanize people and destroy the social aspect of us.
I’m a hugger too, just with certain people. I can get the ‘no-hug’ vibe and don’t do it but I hug most people I care about, men included. Fuck it I say! No need for the macho shit come here and gimme a hug!
Ha, my husband always goes up to Dad and Dad makes a show of not having a hug, and Jamie's like 'come here and hug me!' -- Love it. I find it's a separation in all sorts of ways - from us, and our true nature. Hugs to you times a million. And my man would hug you too.
Jamie actually said all the macho people hug - the Maoris, the Mafia, biker gangs - so actually it's really super manly. :P
Man Rivers! You have been so greatly affected by this pandemic thing that it warms my heart to see you now getting your share of those warmth giving hugs! I'm of the same belief that a quick hug, head to the side, will not pass on the virus, but it is necessary to respect peoples boundaries and if it is not something in there nature to freely hug, that's okay!
I'm really concerned about returning to school in the fall for hugging was such a big part of Pre-K and I'll be damned if I will not hug and comfort a child in need! It is making for a more cold and distant society! Hugs to you!
I kinda like the new hugging world - respect people's boundaries must be awesome for non huggers!!!!
Yeah, how could you not hug a child? Their parents would want you to I imagine. I'm sure it'll be fine where you are. They say kids aren't big transmitters anyway. I'd be more worried about getting the common cold haha!
they are so cute🤗 10 minutes of hugs a day with my daughter replace me with any sedative
Awww... How old is she?? I still love hugging my son and he is 23.
I love the koala photos!
Arent they adorable?
Thank you, I loved reading this!
I think it's not good for peoples health to stay away from each other. So keep hugging! <3
I agree. Mental health issues are a huge sideshoot of all this. Hugs DO help.
Hugging is glorious when it's energetically clean - but can feel needy and clingy from people who aren't in their own center. Also an energy vampire favourite.
That said I'm Dutch and we hug and kiss even strangers. 🤣 Living with distant hand-shaking Australians was often a challenge. 🤣
It's funny here in Thailand to hug a trying-to-be-westernized Thai who knows they should hug and TRIES but is just so damn wooden, awkward and withheld in the embrace.
Curious that you define hugging as a humanity-defining trait, tho. My cats hug and cuddle and spoon far more than any people I know. As do koalas and mama birds and pets raised together... even elephants. 😊
Even my chooks appeared to be in a cuddle puddle! A whole new post about animal hugs, perhaps? At least they dont vampire hug...
Beautiful!!! I love it, because I also love hugs that are given sincerely and with total love. I'm a fan of hugging and showing love.
This, this! It is what happened to me too, I have learned not to be as loving as I naturally am, because people are scared.
But then I understood that it's them, not me. And now I show all my love with the people I know who will receive it in the same way. For example, my mom, my best friends, and some friends. With my dad and sister the physical affection is not so much, but with facts and words we show it.
By the way, yesterday I saw a friend, and when we saw each other we wanted to hug each other, but the greeting was all strange because we did not know how hahahaha so we opened our arms something like your dad does.
Thanks for this post. HUGS ♥
There's a WHOLE new set of gestures that human beings are trying out instead of a hug - so cute! I hope you get to see and HUG your family soon! Xx