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Hello, this is my first time to enter a contest on Hive. I got this contest information from my friend @viviehardika. Besides @viviehardika, there is a friend of mine who has participated in this contest, namely @titisnariyah. At first I was hesitant to join this agenda, but I felt I had to join this contest.
This question is difficult to answer for many people. Including me, this question is not easy to answer. I thought a lot about entering this contest. OK, I'll answer this question. It's not easy, but I have to answer it.
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I was depressed for a long time. Until recently.
Last year, I realized that I was depressed
It's not easy to realize that I'm depressed. I feel like I live a normal life like most people. Until I finally realized, I was depressed. Last year, I realized that if I had depression. Before the pandemic, I reread several books on psychology. I listened to some conversations about psychology. I found signs I was depressed, but I denied it. Until, last year, I met and consulted a psychologist. I just realized that I'm depressed
There is often denial when I realize I am depressed. I started to realize that I was depressed in 2019. But I kept denying it. I do things as usual. Work, study, read and write. Taking care of my youngest sister. Asking how my mother is doing in Bandung. Is he okay? Messaged some of my old friends.
Why
Losing my father forever became the cause of depression. To this day, I feel sorry for my past behavior. My father died in 2014. The day before my father died, I returned to the boarding house. But, my father asked me to come back the next day. I didn't know it was a sign my father would die. for various reasons, I finally returned to the boarding house that day.
Yes, the next day my father died. I only got the news at 8:00 am, while my father was being bathed. My father died at 6:00 am. It hurts so much, someone who is always watching over, worried about, loves me, is gone forever. I regret that decision.
I threw out all my dad's pictures
I only have this one photo, it was found in my old photos folder. One week my father died, I threw away all the photos of my father. There is nothing left. My heartache didn't stop there. When my father died, I was the only one who didn't cry at the funeral home until the funeral. That's all in memory. The whole time my father died, there's nothing I can remember
Others may ask, my father's beloved daughter did not cry on the day he died. It felt so empty, I didn't know what to do. The world I belonged to suddenly shattered. I no longer have handrails. That's how I feel.
Memories with my dad
My father is the one who always takes care of me. When I cried because of my first heartbreak, he was with me. He wasn't angry, his face was sad when he found out I had my first heartbreak. Another memory, when I was in college. From semester 1 to 4, I decided not to rent a boarding house. I always go to campus after the dawn call to prayer. My father drove me until I got a vehicle.
When I came home late at night, dad was never angry. He was very patient waiting for me to come home. Waiting for me to get off the bus. He said, since childhood I was his favorite child. He never gets angry whenever I do my mistake. Unlike mom, who always gets angry when I make a mistake.
Mom is my only hope
My mother's treatment was very different from my father's treatment. He can't show his love. Especially, when I was growing up. It's like he never knows what to do with me. I started returning to Jakarta in 2017. I rarely get calls from my mother. He said, afraid to interfere with my work. That's the reason he did not contact me. I am disappointed.
Even so, my mother was my only hope for survival. My father loves my mother very much. My only redemption is for me to love my mother. I meet my mother's every need. And I need to rebuild all the dreams I lost when dad left. Dressing up is my priority this year. Give me back my dream. After my father left, I became very depressed and withdrawn. Unlike in the past, I am a very cheerful person.
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So, that's my story. Thank you for reading. I hope there is something you can get from my writing. I want to invite my friend to join this challenge, I invite my friend @devyswan1 to join this contest
Nurdiani Latifah
My name is Nurdiani Latifah. I currently live in Jakarta – Indonesia, after 25 years I live in Bandung. I am a media staff at an NGO in Indonesia. I have worked in this institution for almost 2 years on issues of women and peace. I had been a journalist in Bandung for 3 years.
If you like his content, don't forget to upvote and leave a comment to show some love. You can also reblog if you want to. Also, don't forget to follow him to be updated with his latest posts.
Lost our beloved parents is the biggest pain in the world. But I pretty sure that you are stronger than another thought. Fighting!
thank you vi
Keep strong ya!
thank you
Kehilangan orangtua tersayang bukan sesuatu yang kita harus move on. Gapapa. Lukamu tetap ada, mereka tetap sesuatu yang kita anggap terlalu berharga untuk pergi. Tugas kita merelakan mereka tanpa harus melupakan. Alfatihah buat bapak. *Pelukonlen
*pelukjuga
thank you
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STOPTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!
Loosing a love one is never easy, and we all cope with things in our own way. Sometimes pain can make us react in ways we didn't expect, and depression is a hard thing to go through. I hope you find a Light and after what I read here I think you are much stronger than you think.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us ❤️ sending much love.
I can understand @nnurdiani
I was much closer to my Father than my Mother.
I lost my father in an accident and after a little over 20 years ago and I still deeply miss him. I can remember the pain and the depression all over me as clear as if it was just yesterday. Now, I focus around the lives of my sons and tell about their Grandfather.
Thank you for sharing 🌹