Whenever she shouts at me, a piece of my heart shatters. Although she apologizes right away after getting mad, there were times I couldn't stopped myself from thinking that I am her daughter and I deserve gentleness, to be understood, to be treated right, to be loved. But, now that I aged, I came to the realization that my mother deserves the world more than I deserve it.
I was selfish. In those times I only thought about my feelings. In those times I self-diagnosed myself as depressed. In those times I overthink my problems I never even thought how light it was compared to the burden mom has. I know, I know I never should feel bad feeling that way, it was me trying to express myself, and I was valid, my emotions were valid. However, perception changes through series of reflecting, and I was not fit to be called as a good daughter. Anyhow, I am trying to be one now. It was a kind of shame to think that I came from her womb, breastfed for years (yes, years), she stayed with me through ups and down for my 17 years of existence, yet I only knew and understood her very well months ago. I wasn't really that smart after all, she was right. I loved her, I love her more than my life. And the guilt always bugs me whenever I get to remember how naive and inconsiderate I was to question her all the time why she gets angry so easily all the time. I was so insensitive of thinking why she still shoulder the burdens of her siblings when they all got a life to live now and can find ways to solve their problems on their own. I never realized sooner that it was more than because she was the elder sister, and the bread winner of the family. She carry them even now as her responsibility. In those times I cried on my own, when I breakdown from stress, burnout and pressure, those were times I wished to be dead and gone because I could not take everything anymore. However, that time when I think of attempting suicide, realization hit me like a bullet in the head. I was shallow. Too shallow that if ever I would kill myself mom surely would be mad at me than cry. I know that she came from a family of conservatives, where everything else is a taboo still. If ever she's suffering from stress or depression I would not know, she would not even give a damn to think about it as well. She suffers more than I suffer silently. She wasn't vocal unlike me, however she is much stronger for keeping her tiredness and problems to herself alone. I know she struggles just to keep us sustained and alive. I know she cries as well at night but chose to weep it in silence. I know her now. That's why I understand why my tiny bit of mistake can cause her to be mad. That's why I understand she gets moody most of time. That's why I choose to behave and be careful to do not make mistake. That's why also that I will always wear a calm aura to don't trigger her. And I even admire her more than before. Not only for her unconditional love, natural talents and wits, but also for her endurance, courage, and strength. That's also why I always check her now every time, tell her that I love her, and give her hugs and kisses that she may find casual but the truth of that are to show my never ending love for her. ㅤ An aspirant writer and artist. To be found is my greatest dream and never be lost. Hi, I am @rene.neverfound, you can call me Rene or Esme if you like. I specialized in prose-poetry and poetry, and now I am trying new things and writing styles. I am a 17-year-old girl living life in the Philippines. I am a total bookworm, otaku, music enthusiast and a grade 12 student with an undying passion on everything I do. Thank you so much for reading!
photo from Pixabay
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She is lucky to have you. Bless your family! ❤️
i think it's the other way around 😅, im still reckless most of times hahahaha. thank you so much for reading and for the well wishes, miss @chichi18 💗. Bless you and your family as well!
It will become even more profound as you get a little older as well, and some of the questions will be anwswered more clearly, especially when you see it from a mother's point of view, if you choose to be one. Your mother did have the extra burden of carrying the entire family, though, and that is commendable and extremely taxing.
Beautiful post @rene.neverfound, and I hope you are found someday!!!
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oh, im happy that you found out about my name, in that way i am found somehow already.
thank you so much for reading my post @jamerussell , i appreciate you even more for the comment and advice. mothers have super powers really. 💗
I am a mother too. And I hope my children someday will understand me too like how you do with your mom. There is no excuse when bent out our anger to our children. It is just sometimes there is so much on our plate, it spills. We became so irritable that anything triggers our emotional outburts. But at the end of the day we became so guilty of not able to control ourshelves.
And to those who think of committing su*****. Pls don't even think about it. As a parent, we don't only feel sad of the loss and move on. Never will that happen. More than the sorrow is the GUILT that will forever haunt us. We will never forgive ourselves for not being good enough of being your parent.
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BEER.thank you so much for the feedback and for sharing to me a perspective of a mother, maam @bluepark ! i really appreciate it because i can get an insight from you.
My heart feels a little heavy reading your post. You made me so emotional.
I could understand you a bit. I have some issues with my parents too, but I try to ignore the feeling or sometimes understand them.
It gets tiring to carry all those weight. Your mom needs your understanding and support for sure.
im offering a lot of hugs for children like us ate witty, but ayun nga if it's not easy for us mas lalong it's not easy for them. thank you so much for relating to me and for reading po, ohayo!
Our parents have struggles and so do we.
It's actually great you have opened your heart and try to understand them at your very young age.
I think when I was your age, I was still selfish and no realizations yet 🙂
it was not an easy process po tbh kasi rampant talaga sa mga nasa ganitong edad ang rebellious thoughts and reckless decisions, sobrang napapasubok pa rin ako minsan lalo na kapag im stressed din and can't absorb and take everything all at once huhu
Kaya we need to have an outlet of our feelings. Mahirap talaga, even now that I’m already in my 30s from time to time I have issues with my parents, and dagdagan pa stress sa work and everything else. Mahirap pero kakayanin natin.
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It is too easy to let our emotions get the better of us when our child acts up while our minds are still juggling a myriad of concerns. I'd blow up and eventually apologized for over reacting, its not easy. I don't want my child to learn from my ill example of addressing problems but learn to approach an issue logically and with a level head. Remember, we are the primary role model.
precisely, it's what mother supposed to do right miss @kerrislravenhill ? sadly, i am aware that here in the Philippines there are more parents who uses harshness and violence to their child which are never good. im fortunate as well that whenever mom gets mad she always apologize and makes sure to cheer me up.
anyway, thank you for reading miss @kerrislravenhill i appreciate you a lot
well written, a mother's burdens are seldom understood by her children. Thanks for sharing
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thank you for reading and for appreciating @irenenavarroart 💗💗💗
Responsible mothers are the busiest... A little understanding is necessary, and probably, lends a hand as well?. I can imagine myself being like her if I get married....still shouldering the responsibilities of siblings as I am a breadwinner myself. But I guess marrying is something I don't want to do 😅...
I foresee it as well po, hahaha. O
I guess Philippines had really set a standard for elder sisters, which I am one of as well.
but yeahhh, same feels ate @jane1289 !
Oh. Filipino. Yeah. It's already in our blood. Lol..taking responsibilities that shouldn't ours.
thank you so muchh!
I grew up in a quiet household, a literal quiet place wherein emotions and thoughts are set aside and we just need to stay silent on whatever is going on. Such stuff was trivial until we discovered that one family member was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
In the hindsight, we think that our setup is pretty typical but my mom always has a hard time with her pent-up emotions and frustrations. She doesn't hurt us by always crying at night asking what is wrong with her and how she raised us.
Now being a parent somehow I understand, that moms and parents at times don't want to burst out on their children if possible they will just hurt themselves instead rather than hurt their kids.
although there are different ways parents raise their children, i just realized that the relevancies are really there. idagdag ko lang kuya ang natutunan ko which i hope is making a point na parenting is not an easy thing to do kaya it should be better na ready ka and prepared sa mga responsibilities na kakaharapin, and kung hindi nalang i think wag na maging parent kasi napababayaan lang ang mga anak.
anw, thaank you for sharing your perspective as a parent po!!! it allows me to more get insights and knowledge.
Nako Esme, kahit gaano ka prepared talaga there will be a point na you will be thinking ready ba talaga ako magkaroon nang anak especially for women sobrang dami ng changes sa buhay ang mangyayari to the point na mapapabayaan mo na ang sarili mo din especially pag maliit pa si baby.
Ayts masarap maging parent sobrang rewarding sya pero marami talaga challenges hahaha
ah ganoon po pala talaga anooo, juskoo im proud sa inyo poo!
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