Relapse was never the plan, but it happened. Life happened on lifes terms, and I wasn't strong enough in my sobriety to handle it.
I understand that life is about growth, but i'm tired of fighting to get better every day just to have shit blow up constantly. And im sure more of you relate to that than you'd like to.
I thought i was receiving the promises, A.A. talks about but it was a distorted reality from day one that has left me more broken and alone then ive felt in seven years and the last time i felt this broken i ran 8 and a half hours away from the city because im good at running when things get too scary. I feel hopeless, unworthy, and unloved.
All I can do now is work on my mental health that im dreading and be more involved in A.A. and pray because I do still believe god is good.
I just needed to get all of this out because I genuinely haven't felt this much mental pain in a long time. I numbed out this kind of hurt before disappearing and drinking, and i can't do that again.
Thanks for reading my rant.
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