Hello, ladies. Happy Sunday to all of us. For me, it's been a weekend of emotional rollercoaster.
It’s not even been a week yet, and it already feels like I’ve failed again - another attempt to fully take on the responsibilities of caring for my girls slipping through my fingers.
In the last two years, when my health really took a bad turn, their granny stepped in and took full responsibility for their care and nurturing.
Something both my girls and I deeply longed for was my presence and care, but I failed to keep my promises countless times, including even giving them a simple bath. How could I, when I needed help with that myself?
For months, I overheard their innocent and genuine prayers, asking God to heal mummy’s leg. They were so hopeful, and indeed, their prayers were answered.
It’s been four months since my total hip replacement surgery, and just like my girls, I had high expectations — believing there would be a significant turnaround in my health. Of course, there have been changes, but sometimes I wonder if I’m doing enough or expecting too much too soon.
A few days ago, Granny fell ill and needed to rest in bed. That became another opportunity for me to step in and care for my girls.
The excitement on their faces when they heard, “Mummy is bathing you girls this evening,” was priceless. They both chorused, “Mummy can now bathe us!”
I’ve always loved cooking for my family, but before my hips got bad, so once again, I returned to the kitchen. I was so happy — happy to cook, glad to help Granny, delighted to feel like myself again.
Day one, two, three, four… and then, boom — day five came with another sickle cell pain crisis. I was knocked down and helpless again, and Granny had to resume caring for them.
I couldn’t hold back my tears when she moved their toiletries back to her room from mine. It felt like I had disappointed them all over again. I couldn’t even look into their eyes.
I know they can’t fully express it, but I hate that they’ve gotten used to mummy’s disappointments. I hope they understand.
Those few days I spent caring for them meant a great deal to me — we started bonding afresh, and I got to discover new things they liked and disliked. But once again, I feel like I’ve failed them. These are some of the emotional struggles sickle cell mothers like me face.
I’m truly blessed to have my mum as such a strong support system, but honestly, it still doesn’t fill the gap of being able to do it myself.
Maybe I’m expecting too much too soon after my surgery. Perhaps I’m pushing myself too hard. Or perhaps I’m just overthinking it all. Whatever it is, it makes me feel inadequate for my girls—and I hate that feeling.
Please, know your genotype before bringing children into the world with sickle cell disorder. Beyond the physical pain and struggles, there are deep emotional and mental challenges too — ones we rarely talk about.
Peace out. Happy Sunday, family.
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