I have difficulty telling people to go to Hell.
It's a point of discontent, I would've thought, after years of working on myself and improving in many ways, I would've found a way by now to tame the natural agreeableness that comes with the package.
Though it may not always come off here, I try to be nice. Generally speaking. I make a big deal out of saying 'no' and turning people away. Ignoring people. I recognize undue attention, but something in me is still programmed in such a way that tolerates, rather than bites someone's head off.
"I feel this is inappropriate."
Then fucking say.
'Cause chances are they'll know exactly what you're talking about. I realize I'm afraid of being in the wrong, of making the wrong assumption about somebody. What if I call out a behavior, only to be told it meant nothing?
In the past, that worked well. To the extent that I look back sometimes and think to myself, seriously, this was happening and you somehow still got duped into betraying your own intuition, your survival instinct and general sense of the world? You went against your own grain, and called it nothing just because somebody else insisted?
I should be at an age to say fuck that noise, but sometimes, I falter. Like I find myself feeling bad for not wanting to interact with certain people. I'm learning to take a minute now, though, and assess more rationally what's going on.
It helps arranging the facts all neat and in order. I get caught on "I don't want to be un-nice". So it helps to look at certain behaviors, and say, sure, but is this thing they're doing nice? Is this?
I'm quite tolerant and generally quite nice, which leads people to think they can overstep at will and become quite insistent in a way that bothers me. And then I sit wondering why I'm having such a hard time telling them to just go to Hell. Though I've learned much from JBP, I'm still missing the crucial instinct to say get the fuck away from me. I tolerate a lot before I finally cut ties, except that's not a very smart place to operate from. Especially since often, it goes hand in hand with feeling bad for finally setting boundaries. Makes sense. If you go along the notion that everyone deserves your general niceness, and that these people are not doing anything wrong, even though you feel it in your bones that they are, then I guess it's quite easy for them to then come along and say "why did you do that, I wasn't doing anything wrong".
I'm at a place in my life where I'm learning to listen more and more to my inner voice, my instinct.
This is not good. This person, this situation, this place. Back the fuck away. I'm learning to, and could say I'm getting better. But it takes time. I find myself, still, pressed for the "nice" reaction. Pressed to give where people might not be in a situation to be asking. When this happens, I need a minute.
Just because this person wants your attention and your energy does not mean you're obligated to give it to them. It's strength, knowing to say my energy is precious and my attention is the most valuable token in my possession. I will not be giving it lightly to people who think they're entitled to demand.
In order to do that, I'm developing a little voice. A little voice that says - is this right, what this person is doing? And since you're so hell-bent on being nice, would you do this to someone else? And then, if not, why so bothered about being un-nice to someone already doing an un-nice thing?
Perhaps it's not un-nice to protect your energy and your space. Especially as a woman. It's un-nice to trespass on others' energy and time, to behave inappropriately, to demand more than you can offer, to mess with people's heads, but no, I don't think telling someone to go to Hell when they do these things is an un-nice thing in and of itself.
That mirror test you use asking if you would treat someone the same way is spot on. It cuts through the guilt and keeps the facts steady. My nice meter used to be stuck at max, so I started keeping a one line no like not available for this and it saved me a lot of dread. Do you keep a short line ready for when that inner voice says back away?
Hmm I do not, but that's an interesting suggestion - thank you! It certainly helps acknowledging that something is out of place, inappropriate, or just not right, and just generally confirming my intuition.
That click of noticing is your cue. Keep a pocket line ready: No thanks, that doesn’t work for me, I’m not comfortable with this, I’m going to pass, please stop. Which one feels most like you?
This is the curse of the soft-hearted—finding that balance between satisfying our own conscience and protecting ourselves. I still struggle with it at 54. Just when I think I've learned my lesson I'll get burned, or more like allow myself to get burnt as a reminder that I still have more to learn. Kind-hearted people are often seen as "marks" for the sociopaths that walk amongst us and their gaslighting skills are strong. The meal looks delicious and a little like Elmo! : )
That was a terrifying thing to learn - that the kinder, more emphatetic you are, the more "attractive" you are to psychopaths. Though I do also think all this talk of psychopaths, manipluation, abuse, etc is doing people like us a disservice, because often you'll find yourself saying "but this person isn't a psychopath". Might not be, but what they're doing/asking/saying might still be wrong or out of place, or just a wrong energy for you.
Thanks! I felt bad eating him :))
Yes, the learning-phase typically begins with, why does this always happen to me? From what I've experienced in life, I think there are different levels on the spectrum of socio/psychopathic behavior. Someone sitting at a 1-3 might appear "normal" (whatever that is) with the occasional revealing moment, a 4-6 might appear either difficult or amazing to be around but always feels "emotionally draining to spend time with", and the 7-10s are full-blown manipulative monsters that lead us to dark places if we choose to follow them.
Lol, all I can hear is the Elmo voice now!
I feel you, I have the same problem. I'm some sort of a yes man and that's an annoying burden sometimes. I must learn how to send people to hell... oh wait, said like this sounds a bit exaggerated 😅
But also kinda awesome - like involving books of spells and things, no? :)
I really connected with this piece. It’s true that setting boundaries can feel “un-nice,” especially when you’re naturally agreeable, but in reality it’s one of the most respectful things we can do for ourselves.
Protecting your energy doesn’t make you mean, it makes you aware of your worth.
I like how you framed it,if you wouldn’t treat others that way, then why tolerate it when it comes your way? That shift in perspective is powerful.
I too, am a pretty non-confrontational person and will rarely tell someone to go to hell. But that doesn't mean that boundaries can't be set in different ways. I just haven't figured out how that is done when it is my boundary. "No", works well, but I do always want to give a reason. Of course, there has been campaigns (related to other things) - "No means no", so if for those other things, it means "No", then why cannot it not for a mundane person like somebody asking for a donation to charity outside the supermarket?
I am too often waylaid by those types. Sure, they're just doing a job, but I want my "no" to be taken seriously, not for "objection handling" and the other little bits of language-psychology to try and scrape away at that fortress of my own choice and to try and get an outcome that I don't want.
Telling someone to go away, no, or more satisfyingly, to "get fucked" is a powerful agent of our own freedom. But, unfortunately, it isn't that simple. I want to bring semantics into it, because I always like to bring semantics into things.
"hell" is, of course a concept, but if we are going to capitlise it and make it a proper noun, we're doing something more powerful - we're admitting that the three headed dog at the end of the river styx (I know I mixing mythology) here - is real, and that a whole lot of other made up stories are real too. :P
I went to university alongside a very smart girl. She went to a religious school. She wrote a science paper on how "hell" must be real, because the Earth's centre is warm, making "hell" an exothermic place.
But back to saying "no", and closing off the boundary, and erecting a fence: there's always going to be a glimmer of the "what if" in your internal monologue, but I feel that instead of ascribing value to that part of the inner monologue, perhaps it should be "What if I let go of this earlier?"
That meal looks delicious!
I used to act all nice, but then they thought of it was a good time to advantage of me, I didn't make room for that. I started asking myself questions and decided to sit down and reflect on some things. The food looks delicious.