Falling in love can be really so easy for me but strangely I always
don't accept that feeling quickly except the other person I have a crush on has similar feelings towards me and he is ready to take things to the next level. Most times I just hope that I'm the only one who has that feeling towards someone because I know most times it's just a feeling that comes up due to some certain things that won't always be there.
I'm a big fan of falling in love and building a life with someone but then it seems like I'm just too scared to give a relationship a try because I know I'm not ready for any serious engagements. But somehow, I always end up finding myself wanting to still try to make things work out between myself and someone. At some point I just over think too much and I find myself making everything hard for us.
I've been in a relationship before that almost caused me trauma because I wasn't so ready for it and I felt like I was just forcing myself to be with someone and really that's one thing I promised myself not to do in any relationship. But then, most times I just don't put in any effort to make things right between us because I'm already with the mind that if I'm not seeing this person as someone I can live with for the rest of life, then I just don't see the point.
My past experience keep hunting me down and I just keep comparing every single thing because I don't want similar experience anymore. I'm definitely not against love but I'm totally struggling to give anyone a chance, I want to make sure of everything almost at the same time, I don't want to even accept any little similarity of anything that I've seen before in my last relationship because I feel that is where it all starts from and I don't want it at all.
I know someone might be able to relate with what I'm saying here but then some are thinking why I have this kind of thoughts. Well, I guess it's something that has it's trace to my mom's experience and I don't want to ever have the kind of experience as she did. From the little my mom could let tell us about why she is no longer with my dad, it is obvious that she saw some red flags from the start but she was so blinded by the love and she kept putting up with a lot of things.
Well, it got to a point when she could no longer take it anymore and she had to just leave. She kept everything to herself and it just kept accumulating and at that point she just had to shout it out. For me I'd say it was already too late because she already had reasons to be committed but still she left and accepted whatever comes afterwards.
Seeing how my mom chose to handled some of the things she faced, I see myself likely to make some of her mistakes if I'm not careful enough. And the fact that I keep seeing these things almost playing in my relationships, I'm becoming scared if I have similar fate as my mom and I should just lock my heart away from trying to ever find love until I'm ready to settle down and also find someone who is ready as well.
The distractions that being in a relationship brings is one thing that I just don't feel ready for in most areas. In the process of me trying to stay away from being in a relationship, I've made myself a bad person in the eyes of those I've turned down and to some point, some of them tried to even blackmail me emotionally because they know how much I hate been the reason for someone being unhappy.
But unknowingly to them, immediately they decided to do that to me, that is a major turn off for me because I know where it might lead to in the end. I'm not going to give anyone the opportunity to mess with me because I love them or because they love me. It's fine if they love me but as long as they are not ready to be committed to marriage, then they should just forget about whatever love they have for me and now, I'm not even ready for marriage too so I just want to be alone and live my life.
I have so much I have to do and adding a relationship to it seems like it's going to disrupt a lot of things and I really can't just afford to risk it. I know when the time is right I'd find someone and even if I don't I guess that's my bad luck but I'm hoping that all the blessings from people will speak for me then. If you are not ready to be my friend then you should just forget about being in my life because being in a relationship is a no no for me now.
Lately I've been finding it hard to communicate how I feel in words but writing it all out feels relieving and easier for me. This way I get to remind myself of what I want whenever I try to go against it. I guess just saying it wasn't enough, I needed a reminder and reading this will definitely remind me of what I've agreed with myself. I just hope I don't go back on my words due to the fear of losing the one for me because that has been the only reason I kept postponing things but not anymore.
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