A hidden part of me... And the difficulty to confess it
Imagine that in my life there are a lot of chairs that occupy different parts of me. Some of them represent the public, friendly, "all-user" side that every person has; and in my particular case it is no less true... However, there are other "chairs" that represent a side that is not so easy to digest, let alone admit or confess. Lately I have had too many things on my mind, and after talking a bit with a friend, I have come to the conclusion that there are certain things that I have accumulated emotionally and mentally, and that it is better to confess them, address them and leave them (definitely) out of me, out of my being, out of everything that I am now?
Over the last few months I have experienced some very turbulent emotional and emotional moments. That is to say, mood swells and prolonged states of frustration and, above all, of a negative cynicism that, even for me, has worried me. But a bit of context so that you can understand me... When I refer to instability, I am basically talking about a part of me that I have struggled with, and although I have improved and evolved, it still has some influence on me. The way I was raised; with a conservatism worthy of the American Republican Party. And that there are certain quotas of that person I was "supposed to be" in my present day.
For instance, not releasing my sexuality completely. Or, even more momentous, not finishing burying that wounded, repressed and oppressed little girl who grew up in loneliness, terror and panic of the whole world. Sometimes, I get so self-absorbed that I seriously wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy. On the other hand, I still have a lot of resistance to understand the importance of solitude in the self. I am (still) somewhat afraid of ending up alone in a life, which, strangely enough, I try to live in a totally different way than I was supposed to? A small duality in my being, undoubtedly has me on one side or the other.
Even in my personal relationship, I feel that by not letting "die" once and for all that part of me that doesn't add up and that is disturbing my emotional stability. If there is anyone reading this who continues to act as they are "supposed to", according to a limiting and oppressive model of parenting, make the greatest effort, and defeat them! I don't recommend wasting the only life you have on being generational filler for a person who didn't know how to live theirs when they had the time to do so. This is also a small confession with a hint of resentment...
It is a feeling that is not very popular, but it is undoubtedly as valid and real as any other human emotion. Childhood is a treasure, we all agree on that, right? While I was not trafficked, starved or had to work 12 hours a day, it is no less true that I always felt like a nuisance. A girl who never (in her childhood) knew how to explain why her mother treated her with so much indifference and, above all, so little love? She is not a monster, but she was, at the time, a woman who was extremely unfair and unequal to me, a little creature.... I love her, but with many nuances. The years go by but, you see, I still remember this trauma...
For decades I have dealt with it in therapy, I have mourned it, and still at certain times it becomes a kind of mental loop that affects everything in me. Clearly, there are a lot of things that are still there? I don't know if it is a truth that I dare not "confess" or say out loud, but what I do know is that it is impossible to love unconditionally someone who has hurt you profusely and deeply.... Maybe they read me and understand, that I am a "bad person" or that I should "move on" and "wipe the slate clean". I wish it were that simple, believe me I wish I could too but there are certain things that seem destined to be there forever. Like a shadowy halo on a chair that gets dim light.
I felt that! 💯
Nicely done👏
Thanks for your words, friend... It wasn't any easy for me to write this down.
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