Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and ask myself, Is this really living?, I feel like the man who died while standing(footballer lovers will get the reference). The face looking back at me wears the same tired smile everyone around here wears that kind that says, “We go dey alright,”(meaning we’ll be alright) Every morning I wake up to the same sounds, generator humming like a tired beast, the smell of fuel thick in the air, someone arguing over water downstairs. NEPA has gone again, but somehow, life moves. It always does. We Nigerians, we’ve mastered survival and endurance to the point where it feels like art. I go towork but these days it feels like i work for nothing, at the end of the month, i have no savings and nothing to show for the previous month. I have no passion for the work. I used to think struggle builds character, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe it just hardens people.. Turns dreams into nightmares, as the years slowly roll by.
Sometimes, I wonder how I got here, I used to be so full of confidence and was sure by now, I’d be in a far better place, probably even comfortably married, but as they say, “Life will humble you”I see graduates driving keke to feed their families. Politicians flying private jets to conferences about poverty. Police officers stopping cars not to protect, but to collect, Religious institutions filled with people praying, praying for hope.It’s like everyone’s praying for escape, not change. The mirror doesn’t lie, but it doesn’t help either. It just shows me what I’ve become another man trying to make sense of madness. I used to have ideals once, you know. I wanted to do things right. But Nigeria teaches you quickly, decency doesn’t pay rent. Still, I can’t let go of hope. Maybe that’s my curse, this stubborn optimism that refuses to die, no matter how hard life gets. Because sometimes, I see it, the light in small things. The woman selling moi-moi under the bridge who still says “thank you” with a smile. The danfo driver who returns forgotten change. The young people creating something new, even when the system ignores them. They do not give us light but still expect us to shine. Do we lose hope then? NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that you are experiencing what a lot of the people in the west are starting to feel. Life is being crushed out of life, and we are living robotically on autopilot - pretending that what we are doing is living.