What seems like an eternity ago, I met my wife dancing. And while courting (which is such an old-fashioned, irrelevant term - but this is more what it was), we would dance together regularly. It was fun, and after we were together we continued for some time, until my wife lost interest in the community of it and we drifted away. As a result, we haven't danced for many years and at least for me, I think the time has passed where I can feel I could dance and get better at it.
It is not the same for my wife though, as after being a competitive ballroom dancer when young, she can always dance because she can always follow. A few months ago we were at a "fancy party" and she was asked to dance by one of the Dancing with the Stars professionals, who was one of her "idols" when she was competing, as he was a few years older and so good. Since she can dance, a bit later in the night he asked her again to dance a couple more songs.
I was left holding her purse.
Typical.
I didn't mind. It was nice to see her dance with someone who can dance, as most of the time she has had to dance with me, who is blundering and clumsy on the dance floor. Good enough for many women who are social dancers, but far below anyone who has a little more experience and practice under their belt. Dancing is a great way to meet people if interested in dancing though. If not and willing to be social, it is still a great way to meet people. However, I think it also attracts a lot of people who are using it as a dating service, quite obviously. Some pretty sleezy people in my opinion. If the only way a guy is able to get close to a woman is through couple dancing, there likely is something wrong with them to begin with.
It takes all types, I guess.
Obviously, I have a strong belief that social ability and quality interaction is important for a healthy society, and I reckon the more we veer away from interacting with each other, the worse society becomes. I think many people who are in my age group and already in relationships discount the importance of their childhood experiences, which younger people today might not have. And even if their own children are okay, the kids are going to enter into a peer group that has a much lower social ability than previously, but have much higher expectations on what they deserve. What kind of potential dance partners will they be?
Couples dancing requires two people to work together and adjusting themselves for the other person, whether the steps are right or wrong. My wife and I dance well enough together because she follows all of my mistakes, so the untrained eye doesn't notice as much. And when I dance with inexperienced dancers, I am good enough to generally limit what I do and recover their mistakes, as they probably don't follow as well as my wife. Two people have to work in unison.
But in today's culture, I am not sure if children are really learning the skills that allow them to build healthy relationships, whether that be with romantic partners or with friends. I think relationships have become more about an individually demanding they receive what they want, but less willing to invest themselves into the relationship. And a lot of the people who say they do, go in needing something out of the relationship, expecting the other to provide for them from the get-go. When someone goes into a relationship needing, they are immediately needy and a burden.
As relationships progress however, burdens inevitably arise, because people change over time with constantly shifting conditions. Illness, job changes, children, investments, houses, money, friend group dynamics and a hundred other things will keep moving and if two people are only in it for themselves, they are unable to support the other through the harder times. And with dating apps offering a constant stream of possibility, people are more likely to go out and find someone that fills their needs now, without thinking about how life changes over time, as do our needs and expectations at different stages of life.
Life is a dance.
That is what has been poetically suggested at least. But I think people are more and more choosing to dance alone, thinking that it is going to sustain them through all stages of their life. I don't think it is, yet people will do what is most convenient for them to do right now, so to each their own. However, I also think that there is going to be a massive shortage of quality dance partners in the future, so that those who are looking for a healthy relationship, are not going to have much choice, because so few have the skills and temperament to be in a healthy relationship. And the more unhealthy relationships form, the worse the spiral down becomes.
So many people I have talked to have said they are looking for a healthy relationship, yet despite all the failures, aren't willing to address that the other person is only 50% of the relationship. If people aren't willing to become the kind of person who can have a healthy relationship, healthy relationships just can't happen, no matter how great the dance partner.
There is nothing wrong with dancing alone.
But is it enough for a lifetime?
Taraz
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Dancing is awesome. I picked up salsa again after a few gap years and now I feel I don't want to stop dancing until physically impossible.
Do you dance other Latin dances as well? We do Kizomba and bachata also.
Same here! I started salsa like 15 yeara ago, and at that time here you would basically hear salsa and kizomba; bachata started to creep in as I was dancing less, and nowadays it's the hot thing, most people starting to learn are going for bachata classes. I do enjoy all three of them, but salsa is by far the favourite! How about you? And how big is the dancing scene in Finland?
Hm. You;ve gotten me wondering here. Do we, as parents, expect the lives of our children to follow lines that are as straight as the lines our own lives followed? I know my father did, and when I did not go into academia as a career, which both he and my mother did, choosing restaurants instead (even though I held an advanced degree in mathematics), he continued to ask me for decades "when are you going to get a real job?" It feels to me as though our youth has fewer choices than I did, or at least they are choosing paths that seem much more common than the one I chose. One of my daughters is a carpenter, a very good one, so I suppose not all of them are doing this. She's a mini-me, with all the flaws as well. A risk taker. Perhaps with all the social media influence, the imaginations of our youth have been squashed.
As for dancing, if your wife was a competitive ballroom dancer, it must feel really good to dance with another pro. Although I never learned how to do ballroom dancing, I remember once being asked by a young man who knew it very well, and he threw me around the dance floor. It was heavenly! I've always longed for someone to do that for me again. I'm glad she had the chance.
Is your photo of this recent experience, or from her past dancing. She is very beautiful in it. and looks so happy!
I don't at least. However, I don't think human nature has changed much in thousands of years and there are certain needs the 99% of us need to consider our life worth living. I believe that when we do not have healthy people to interact with, we ourselves become unhealthy. There are a lot of unhealthy individuals these days, suffering their life alone, but believing it is someone else's problem.
I wish I was a carpenter, plumber, electrician.... :D
No, this is from a couple years ago, where I did a photoshoot for a friend of ours (we have known for years from dancing) who has cancer. They were just dancing around in the dark of a studio :)
The one we were at recently was very fancy. I had to wear white tie.
A white tie party? I'm afraid I have never heerd of such a thing.
My daughter has such useful skills, you'd think my house wouldn't need so much work! But when she does visit me, the last thing I want to do to her is put her to work. We mostly sit and gab, go for walks, and read when we're together.
I believe the confines of those "needs" have gotten narrower.
White bow-tie, tail jacket, suspender pants etc. Very penguin.
Time well spent.
Yep.
Interesting, long time ago when I was in my early teens, I liked a girl who was a year or two older than me. She needed a dance partner for ballroom dancing, naturally when she asked I have agreed. I would have agreed to anything that blond beauty would have asked...
Well a few sessions after I came there she decided to quit, but I discovered that there were many other beautiful girls that needed a dance partner. And competition was basically non existent 😀 So I stayed in the club for a few years...
The way it should be! :D I know men who would find it "gay" to dance, or wear what their girlfriend wants them to or whatever. That is not me.
There is always a shortage of men, even though many of the women are married or have a boyfriend.... silly men...
Why settle for a single dance partner when you can dance with a whole group of people. This is what draws me to clubs and raves. I was also never much good at performative dance, especially as a pair. But there is something magical about the energy on a dancefloor st the club, rave, or festival when you have hundreds, even thousands of people moving in unison to the same beat.
Sure, there sre the sleazy types like you mention, who just use the dancing to get close to others because they don't have the words or skills to date in other settings. Their energy can be felt on the dance floor and I try to shift away from them if possible. But for me, I just like sharing the energy and the feeling of moving together.
But youare right about my lived experience growing up. I sure wish we could go back to the dark club nights of the late 1990s when there weren't video phones in every pocket. When people were more present and engaged with the present and the people around them. 25 years later, it is all about recording that drop, taking a video with friends, capturing the memories instead of making them in real-time in real-life.
Don't even get me started on how unsafe a modern day dance floor feels to someone getting hit on by someone else. Most of the time, I keep my mouth shut and keep enough space not too make anyone feel uncomfortable but hopefully in a way that lets people know I'm there for the shared experience of dancing, not dating. It is getting more difficult than ever these days.
There is, but it is also a different kind of experience and it is more individualistic. You are dancing as an individual with everyone else dancing as individuals. No need to collaborate, coordinate, or sync with each other.
Some of the best conversations, lasting memories and friends were made at these times. As the phones started to take over, the experiences become less group, more individual. Lost me.
People going into relationships hoping to only receive and not to contribute to the well-being of their partners is the reason relationships fail mostly these days.
Anyone who has this mindset is not yet mature enough for a relationship. Only people who walk into relationships with the mind of responsibility bearing are matured enough. The fearful thing is that parents are worsening the situation by not raising their kids right.
A whole lot of this. Though how long is your range for "these days"? As I saw quite a bit of this back when I was at uni and that was...well a while ago but maybe not that long ago in the grand scheme x_x
Well, there's always been such people but it seems to grow worse with every passing day.
And here is the issue. A lot of people "don't want to grow up" and take the responsibility of an adult. but they want the perks of being an adult.
Dancing alone? Individualism is one thing, but for couple dancing, a big no!
Dancing is supposr to reflect couple relationships. When two people move together, neither can really ignore the other. One person’s step affects the whole rhythm, and the only way it works is if both are paying attention and adjusting along the way.
Dancing in this sense is the best metaphor for relationship :)
A lot of people seem to want the idea of a good relationship, but the part where both people have to learn how to move at their own or onr making the sacrifices, it won't work.
Without mutual approach, even the best partner in the room cannot really make the dance (relationship) work.
You'd be surprised how many men lead steps that their partner can't follow, or are doing moves that they are too tall or short for. And women who refuse to "make a mistake" that the man leads, throwing everything into disarray.
I think so.
Wait, so if you met her dancing does that mean you were one of those sleezy guys using it as a dating service? I suck at dancing. Always have. I can probably still do the Macarena though.
Yes!
Well, not quite. I started dance classes with my ex-girlfriend a year or two earlier and then after we broke up, I kept dancing.
I still get it wrong, according to Smallsteps. :D
Ah, okay, that's respectable then! I used to be able to do the electric slide, but I don't think I'd be able to manage it now.
Dancing and relationships is interesting because both require patience and awareness of the other person. Without that balance, things fall apart pretty quickly.
And is it any wonder so many relationships fail?
If one person is only focused on their own steps, the whole performance can falter. This highlights the importance of mutual investment in any relationship ;)
And I think that this is kind of what is happening in the world at scale.
Tomorrow is a special day. I will go to watch basketball live and bring that poster. Last time I went some years ago. It will be local league game and not an Euroleague game(of course I would prefer to go to Euroleague game but tickets are far more expensive there. Also I hope that in local league poster will be more visible) but it should still be fun.
Just have fun!
I want a 'partner'.. one that betters me and helps me in life and who I just want to be with.
Second step, is to put yourself in a place where you can meet the kind of person you are after. First step is to be the kind of person the kind of person you are after wants to be with too.
excellent advise. wise words..
It is a beautiful message that involve dancing.
Thank you
No worries.
The part that hit me is how the author talks about relationships needing two people to work together, adjusting to each other's mistakes. It's like, we're all dancing together, but sometimes we forget that
I feel like that started when I was at uni if it hadn't been happening beforehand. There were definitely a number of "interesting" people around.
I always felt that all sides of a relationship should be giving minimum 50% but ideally about 60%. If only one person is doing that it's not going to be a good one.