A friend of mine the other day, was asking me about midlife crises, and what I think is the cause of them. He is around thirty years of age, so 15 years younger than myself, and we have been talking about various aspects of life, past, present and future. Compared to most of the other people in his age group, he takes quite an interest in these things, which is natural, as due his role, he spend more time with people who are a bit longer in the tooth and have deeper experience. So, it is natural to be drawn into conversations that he might not have had with people in his own age group around topics like mortgages, divorces, bodies breaking down with age and the challenges people face as we get older.
I don't know what causes midlife crises in people, but I can guess at it based on my experiences personally, as well as those of my friends, as there seems to be patterns. What I think is the main reason for it is that as we age, our circumstances change, our responsibilities and obligations shift, and the things that become important to us at different stages of our life, shift also.
When we are young, perhaps we are more interested in having a good time, and while this might not go away as we age, there are more pressures on us to meet obligations and needs, like family, housing and career. This means that we have tradeoffs, opportunity costs to consider. To do one, we can't do another. To have this, we can't have that too.
But, it isn't necessarily this that drives the midlife crisis, but rather the glimpse into the future of what life might look like down the track. Do we want to be the stuffy person, or do we want to recapture some of that possibility of the past? And, what of our relationships, are they still suitable for our future vision, considering that they were developed in a time where we were quite different in our wants and needs.
For example, a friend of mine recently went through a divorce, even though technically everything was okay in his marriage. There were no major dramas and i was comfortable. However, they had been together since college, and this meant that when they met and who they are 25 years later, has changed. And, this can create problems, because while a person can have the right attributes to meet needs of one stage of life, that same person might not have the right attributes for another stage of life.
For instance, at 20 a person might have that adventurous spirit that is so attractive, but at 50, they might not be interested in having the deep philosophical discussions their partner craves. And, even if they both try to satisfy each other's needs, it doesn't mean it is possible for them to do so, as it could be like needing someone to be good at art, then thirty years later, needing them to be good at math instead.
Of course, we can't expect people to meet our needs, but we also can't be expected to stay in relationships that are unable to meet our needs either, right? And it is these kinds of questions that we might start to raise in our minds as we get older, and circumstances start to highlight some of the disconnects and we ask ourselves,
Is there more to life than...?
Where I think the value is in having this understanding about a potential future, is being able to be more attentive and intentional with behavior when younger. For example, my younger friend is in a new relationship, but is also thinking about his future and whether he wants to have kids or not. He is already looking ahead. But, it is also worth understanding that people change over time and the way we feel about something now, might not be the way we feel about it in the future, including the way we feel about someone we are with. And, while there are no guarantees as to how we or they are going to change, it is worth reflecting on the idea that we either grow together, or grow apart.
It really is the only two options for a relationship over time, and if we feel that a person is the one we want to be with for the foreseeable future, acknowledging this can help us stay more attentive, and act earlier to course correct, before the gap between is seemingly too large to close.
The midlife crisis is caricaturized with the balding man buying a sports car, but both men and women go through these phases, even if it presents in different ways. However, what I believe is that a large part of it comes down to the relationships we have in our lives and whether we feel satisfied enough in them to compromise on the other questions we have raised. With a good relationship, it doesn't matter what kind of car, it doesn't matter what is happening at work, because there is support in the relationship, a place to be comfortable and to raise these kinds of questions, and discuss them openly. With a good relationship, crisis is averted.
But a good relationship isn't built at the time of the potential crisis, it is invested into over the span of years, and has built trust and shared experience into its folds. It is years of growing together, rather than drifting apart, or running parallel, as if the other person isn't going to change as well.
We should all reflect on the relationships we keep and what we want out of them, because it can help us discover what we are willing to put into them. If we aren't willing to put in, the flame will do and the lights go out.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
But what seems to me to be middle life is a lot of fiction. Because nowadays I see around me many people who are younger than me or my age are suddenly dying. Is middle life too difficult for them? Of course, it is difficult to say what the average life is for each person, but if we calculate the average life expectancy, we can make some guesses in that case. People can experience many changes physically and mentally especially when people start to age in their 40's or around. As many people experience various physical problems starting from low self-esteem. But the problem that I see most around me nowadays is that when a boy starts taking family responsibility, he starts to think more and that thought causes a lot of mental and physical changes in him. Which has a fatal effect on the body.
Is middle life too difficult for them?
I think this is a question to ask at all ages now - it seems that with the number of depressed twenty-somethings, even the good times are too hard for many.
The interesting thing about a lot of the future thinking, like having kids, is it makes assumptions about what it is like. A lot of people don't actually ask what it is like to have kids, they only focus on the parts that they see as a negative, like not being able to go out as much.
I think if you are with the right person you grow together and event though some parts might not be the same, it just works because you do the work to make it work. I can see how having more time behind you than ahead of you can send you into a tail spin, but eventually you realize it took you quite a while to get to where you are, so although it is less time ahead of you, it's still a good deal of time.
And I think that there are "efficiencies" in having the experience too, so there is less time wasted. I reckon this is because although there are always questions, we would know ourselves a little better, and be able to exclude and include faster.
Yeah, for sure. I remember when I turned 40 people were asking me if it bugged me. I was like no way, I had some pretty cool experiences the past 40 years, I hope to make a bunch more memories from here.
I shouldn't be surprised, knowing you, but I'm still very impressed by how nuanced your take is on this somewhat overdone topic. I particularly liked what you said about changing apart in relationships. I think that's way more accurate than the trope of "I just want some novelty" which ties into the same idea, but barely scratches the surface and is reductive.
I think we have a shifty idea about relationships, always allowing them to end in some tragedy like death or betrayal or whatever. It seems brave, especially as you get older, to say I've changed. This is no longer who I am.
I really liked this. Found a lot of value. :) Thank you.
A lot of what people say is reductive, as we try to simplify to understand, rather than actually look at the complexity of the situations we are involved in. We want to be right, even if it means not being "correct enough".
I am glad you enjoyed this one :)
Certainly. I think a part of it is also a focus on getting through, as it were. Through situations. Through life. We sort of minimize everything as "stuff that happens" afraid that if we stopped to delve into each, we might get bogged down.
And not just this one. I sort of "hmm" along to most of them, unbeknownst to you :P
It is very normal for us to think and wonder what our future will be like when we grow up, if we start a family, our priorities. They change, it is not the same. A single person, a person with a partner and children. The responsibilities and obligations are greater, that is why when we are younger we must make the decisions that best suit us. According to our expectations and values.
Do you ever consider what you will feel like as a person when you are twenty years, and 40 years older than now?
Well, to be very honest tarazkp I have never thought about how I would feel when I grow up, I have thought about how I would look at 50 years old, I hope to be a halfway decent older person, that's why I try from time to time to do some sports if I reach that age I would like to be an energetic woman, who can fend for myself, because falling into a bed for me would be death.
I like to consider middle life crisis as burning out and feeling like one is in a rut. It is the brain's way to inform the person that something isn't working out and you need to fix it. It could be a toxic relationship, stagnant career, or loss of motivation to reach for goals and dreams. Whatever it is, it isn't good to ignore it but rather try to internalize and find out what is wrong.
It is like "cravings of a pregnant woman" - an indicator that the body/mind needs something that it might not be getting. Just like eating candy is not the answer for good nutrition, neither is getting a sports car.
Agree, our mindset changes over time and I believe that everything has a right timing, such as getting marry or having a baby.
Some people want to be able to have the future, but are unwilling to let go of the past. It isn't possible to hold onto both.
I’m surprised that you younger friend is thinking if he should have kids or not. Are there really some people on earth who do not want to have kids?
There are plenty of people who don't want to have kids. Men and women.
Did you find out what art site your colleague's sister is using to sell her works?
I no I haven't - will do next week. Sorry, it slipped my mind.
no problem.
That's a very good perspective to speak from, I really learnt a lot from reading this. Thanks for sharing.