Man is disturbed not by things, but by the views he takes of them. — Epictetus
There’s one phrase that I cannot stand: “Life is unfair”. Every time I hear it, I want to punch out the teeth of whoever says it. A random act of violence would prove their point, but they learned something new: Life is not supposed to be fair.
People tend to latch onto the negative of life. “I’m an X, thus society is against me”. Or “Because I have X, my life is worse off”. As if we try to understand the suffering of those “more fortunate”. To this day, the suicides of people like Avici puzzle us. It shows that even if you have it all, life is not supposed to be fair.
These self-limiting beliefs are a product of the ego. They convince us that we can’t do something to keep within our comfort zone. Placing that barrier by stating that we are incapable allows us to spectate the “unfairness” around us.
Moreover, it’s convenient. Believing that life seems uncontrollable and unfair grants us a way to avoid accountability for our actions. With such beliefs, we exempt ourselves from self-examination, shifting the blame onto someone else:
“My parents should have taught me, X. It’s their fault I’m like this!”
“Group X makes my life unbearable!”
“Wo/men are trash!”
All these built-in excuses give us false moral leverage. It’s pitiable but so very common. Never in history have I seen groups of people congregating on their “bad luck”, with accountability preached as blasphemous. It’s a pity to witness good people giving in to these groups because they are afraid to look inward.
You know who I am talking about.
When we view life as inherently stacked against us, we open the doors to a victim mentality. People like that are pitiful and frustrating to be around. They want help but refuse to put in the work. They cry about injustices when they have caused just as much suffering. They judge others’ actions but exempt themselves from blame.
These kinds of people are the ultimate hypocrites. They demand life to be fair. But that’s the thing: Life is not supposed to be fair.
As a child, I had a lot to be angry about: I have Asperger’s and was overweight. My parents had a 5-year legal dispute. And to top it all off, I am black. Already I was presented with heavy bias against me.
No one picked me to play sports with them; they called me strange and stereotyped me constantly. I was in a bizarre state of mind, trying to be what people wanted me to be. I felt like a pool noodle drifting through time. I could be in any shape I wanted to because the ripples would contort my form. Being isolated at such a young age caused my social and moral development, which caused me to see myself as a self-made martyr.
I could be anything the world wanted me to be. But no matter what, I was resentful of the world. I saw the cruelty done upon me and ignored the suffering I caused to others. It was a dog-eat-dog view of the world. Do what you can to survive because “life is unfair”. For a while, that viewpoint gave me the power to do whatever I needed to; detached from any empathy, hope, or foresight.
Yet, no matter how many friends I hurt or the countless failures I made, I saw no reason to change. “Why should I? The world is crazy, they don’t see it. It’s do or die and I have to survive no matter what.” That’s the curse of thinking that life is unfair, you won’t change.
I responded to anger with tenfold fury yet complained that life is crappy. The victim mentality is the death of self-awareness. People are comfortable remaining unchanged or unchallenged. They are unwilling to realize that life is not supposed to be fair.
The day I realized life is not supposed to be fair was when I was drunk to a stupor in God knows what part of campus. I was fresh out of cash at 2 o’clock, wandering into the empty dark. There I sat at a riverside and saw something mundane. A leaf falling down the stream, never to be seen again.
I shed a tear at the sight. Imagine Being a leaf drowning, yet only being so small not to matter. And there in the shimmering reflection of the water, I saw my insignificance. There I asked what’s the point of trying in an unfair, uncaring world. Maybe jumping in would give me the much-needed solace I needed.
But then, one more leaf fell in. And another, and another. Ten, twenty, fifty leaves fell at once until my reflection became caked with a bundle of leaves. That is when I sobered up and came to realize something big:
Life is unfair for everyone.
Not one soul has it easy. And the lucky few who will face tragedy in the future. Complaining about my suffering is pointless, it’s not unique or special. Other’s pain, no matter how small hurts the same. We are all leaves falling into a stream, wailing against the tide of indifference of time.
I then saw something more interesting; one leaf that refused to budge. No matter how strong the current was, it had a statue’s posture. The sheer determination of this single leaf enamored me. It was then I realized something greater:
You alone determine your path.
That one leaf made me think about the path of victimhood I had lived until then and reframed my mind. Life is unfair, that is indisputable. Good people get a terrible lot every second of the day with the evil triumphing.
But we can’t let that battle define our existence. The struggle against an invisible enemy will not end in victory. It never ends, and you will lose to the House.
Learn to find out who you are outside of the pain and agony, and then you will have true agency over your life. And don’t think that now that you have agency, life is easy. Remember, life is not supposed to be fair.
Your life is a culmination of the choices you have made. Now that you know, be wise with your choices. No matter how small they may seem, it will affect the trajectory of your life. You have the responsibility to confront your past. You have to accept your present. You need to start looking towards the future.
Don’t become complacent now that you have your freedom. Now is the time to put the work in. And that is the hardest thing a person can do. Since then, my pain numbed out. I can finally be that immovable leaf, unfazed by the tides of life. I had control over myself and awakened me to make the most of this unfair life as possible.
All this from one drunken misadventure with a leaf.
Complaining, a pass time of mine became bothersome. What good would it do but delay what needs to be done? And if it’s outside my control, it’s pointless to stress about it. Stoicism is the antidote to a victim mentality. Accept that life is not supposed to be fair.
Only then, you can find inner peace.
And bring a pool noodle if you find yourself drunk at a river.
Man conquers the world by conquering himself. — Zeno of Citium
END
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