Invito a las amigas @astrea y @aguamiel a participar en esta iniciativa.
English version
That life of ours The meaning of suffering
Greetings friends, with this text I would like to reflect on an interesting initiative of @charjaim from the @holos-lotus community: "That life of ours" The meaning of suffering. What makes us happy, what leads us to suffering? I fully agree with a phrase that I have heard Carlos Fraga say on several occasions in his television programs, "the important thing is not what happens to us but what we do with what happens to us". That is to say, to a large extent, happiness or suffering has to do with the way we approach what happens to us. But in my text I add an approach that I consider important: it is essential to be aware that, in general, we generate what happens to us, we make choices that lead us to happiness or suffering.
Human emotions are something very complex, because we are not usually taught how to manage them in an assertive way. We have to learn as we go along, throughout life, the effect they have on our soul and our body. The way in which the things that happen to us generate certain ideas, which generate emotions that affect us, and can leave deep traces in us, which will affect our way of reacting to similar stimuli.
What is of no great importance to me and I take it easy, may cause suffering to another person, due to previous experiences that make the person link that situation with pain, with shame. Or vice versa, situations that are of no great importance to another person may cause me suffering. However, there are human behaviors that cause suffering to most people: violence, aggression, abandonment, loss of loved ones, not feeling valued or loved.
These situations usually leave traces in our mind, our soul and also in our body. Many illnesses are based on the imprints that negative emotions leave on us. Louise Hay in her well-known book "You can heal your life" writes about the mental patterns that create illnesses in the body. It is very important to recognize our responsibility in creating situations that hurt us, that cause us suffering. We must accept that we have mental models and behavior patterns that we repeat and lead us to take actions that cause us pain.
(source Gerd Altmann en Pixabay)
If I think that I do not deserve valuation, love or respect, I will trap myself in situations that confirm to me how little I am worth, how little I respect myself. I will trap myself in ideas, words and actions that do not allow me to grow, that do not allow me to receive appreciation and respect from those around me. As within, so without. Generally, the way I relate to others is a mirror of the way I relate to myself.
It's not you, it's me
When we are not aware of our responsibility for the actions that cause us suffering, we often take the easy path of blaming others for the emotions that we ourselves generate, and we even verbalize these ideas wanting to make those close to us feel guilty: "you make me unhappy", "I would be happy if you loved me", "I am sick because of you". Our happiness or unhappiness, our success or failure, is entirely our responsibility, no one else's.
Yes, it is true that there are people whose closeness makes us happy, and it is also true that sometimes we look for people who confront us with our fears, our unresolved pains, our insecurities. We can learn from these experiences and grow, overcoming our fears, strengthening ourselves as people, or we can choose to continue repeating the pattern of behavior that will lead us back to suffering.
No, it is not easy, I have lived it for many years. It is not even easy when you seek therapeutic support. Usually, the search for emotional suffering is linked to deeply rooted ideas ("I am not worthy of love", "I do not deserve to be happy", "the world is horrible, it is full of injustice and violence", "the world is full of bad people"). As we grow up we can be filled with harmful ideas if our context is not positive. Mine was not. It takes a lifetime to change those ideas, to learn to love yourself, to value yourself, to think and act from your personal power and not from your fears.
Suffering is a choice
I remember as a child, and later as a teenager, I had problems relating to the people around me, I was very self-absorbed, timid and I found in books a safe haven. At home there was physical and psychological violence, at school I was a victim of bullying. I had self-esteem problems, I was a sad little girl. And I had no one to talk to about it, until one of my sisters took me to talk to a school counselor, who was also my Spanish and Literature teacher, one of my favorite subjects.
(Source Gerd Altmann en Pixabay)
Domestic violence can be a silent scourge that takes away our vitality, our will to live, to enjoy what we have. It makes us see the world as a hostile space and not as a space where we can enjoy hundreds of things every day: a beautiful landscape, a tasty meal, the company of people who love us well, pleasant music, a good movie. I had a few friends who were fond of me and didn't understand why I felt sad, they accepted me with my quirks, they tried to make me smile.
For many years I felt comfortable in the position of the victim, I did not accept that with my own attitude I pushed people away or sought out people who caused me suffering. It took decades of therapy and meditation to make the insight and understand that I was largely responsible for my own suffering, how I had a kind of jailer inside me that tortured me with negative ideas and pushed me into toxic relationships that confirmed these ideas.
What I am trying to explain with my example is that behind the way we handle our emotions are ideas that we tell ourselves, even if we are not always aware of it. Changing negative ideas for positive ones, changing attitudes that lead us to suffering is not easy. But it is worth trying and transforming that which leads us to suffer.
In every life there are difficulties, in the garden of the world people are not like in some soap operas, good fools and evil villains full of evil that make their lives impossible. Often it is our approach to what happens to us that causes us suffering. Often it is also our actions and attitudes that cause us suffering and so, almost always, suffering helps us to grow. We are not perfect, nor are those around us. Sometimes we have to forgive, sometimes, in addition to forgiving, we have to distance ourselves from the people who cause us suffering and do not want to change their attitude.
The keys to happiness
The opposite of suffering is happiness, choosing thoughts and actions that lead to physical and emotional well-being. Lasting happiness has nothing to do with moments of joy, because when those moments pass or when something happens to us that displeases or saddens us, joy ends.
Spaces that make me feel good, Hacienda La Trinidad, Corpus Menthi spa
Spaces that make me feel good, aquarium Sambil Shopping Mall
I link lasting happiness with wisdom, with maintaining an attitude of inner well-being no matter what the external circumstances are. This is how I understand happiness, it goes far beyond moments of joy. I share with you some recommendations that have helped me to be closer to the state of happiness.
1) To love and care for oneself and accept oneself as one is, with its lights, but also with its shadows.
2) Love and care for the people close to us, always treat them with respect and accept them as they are.
3) Avoid thoughts and actions that we know cause us physical or emotional suffering.
4) Focus on thoughts and actions that cause us well-being and therefore happiness.
5) Learn to set limits for those around us, especially those closest to us, and do so firmly, but always with respect. Beware of people who do not accept limits, they will cause you suffering. I just ended a relationship with a person who always imposes his will and does not accept limits, because he was causing me suffering.
6) Learn to set limits for yourself. A joy or state of well-being is good until you overdo it. Beware of attachment to things or people that you seek as emotional gain. For example, eating a piece of candy or a glass of wine is not the same as being addicted to candy or drinking to excess on a constant basis. Loving someone can lead to happiness, but being attached to someone in excess and controlling them all the time does not lead to happiness, it leads to anxiety, to suffering ("I can't live without you", "I need you always by my side, only you make me happy").
People who bring me wellbeing, my niece Adriana
Personas que me producen bienestar, los amigos del Club de lectura
Thank you for reading, I hope you found these reflections on suffering useful. Many thanks to @charjaim for proposing this very interesting topic.
The images used in this post are from my personal photo album, unless another source is indicated.
I invite friends @astrea and @aguamiel to participate in this initiative.
Cuando alguien te impone, no te respeta. Por lo tanto, no te ama.
En cambio, quien te acepta como eres y te admira, esa es una persona que te valora que te ama.
Tu texto me ha parecido fascinante, lo he leído dos veces. No porque no lo entendiera, sino porque me cautivo y como siempre tus palabras tienen ese no sé qué, que me lleva a un universo maravilloso.
Cariños desde este rincón planetario.
Muchas gracias por tu lectura y tu comentario @germanandradeg Me contenta que hayas disfrutado mi reflexión. Cariños desde este rincón del planeta. 🤗
Gracias por tu aporte, valioso material.
Ese párrafo pude haberlo escrito yo totalmente idéntico. Coincido en que quedarnos pegados al sufrimiento es un decisión, lleva muchos años darse cuenta de ello, pero cuando lo comprendemos y empezamos a trabajar en ello, todo cambia paulatinamente.
Abrazo fuerte.
Así es, estimada @charjaim quedarnos apegados al sufrimiento es una decisión. Tomar una actitud resiliente y cambiar nuestro enfoque no es sencillo, pero nos lleva a una vida más plena y feliz. Un abrazo. 🤗
Me pasa algo con este post. Estoy muy de acuerdo con gran parte de lo que planteas, pero me chirría mucho el hecho de que se afirme y se asuma que el sufrimiento es una decisión. Esto es algo que no se debe tomar a la ligera porque nadie elige sufrir a propósito. Me refiero a que una decisión implica per se una fuerza volitiva, un acto consciente, y la gran parte de las veces no somos capaces de controlar lo que nos sucede a voluntad, porque la vida está llena de contingencias y nosotros no controlamos cómo nos sentimos a priori.
Otra cosa muy diferente es qué hacemos cuando nos sentimos mal (no decidimos sufrir o no, puede que decidamos qué hacer cuando sufrimos). Y no siquiera esto es tan sencillo porque, por ejemplo, una mujer atrapada en el círculo de la violencia que ejerce su marido maltratador. Cualquiera puede preguntarse por qué no simplemente se divorcia y ya sin detenerse a pensar que esta persona no tiene los recursos personológicos o estructurales suficientes para hacerlo. Es un problema multifactorial.
Estimado @genrigp el tema de quedarse pegado con algo que nos provoca sufrimiento, como por ejemplo una pareja que nos maltrata, es complejo, pero considero que sí es una decisión. El que no tengas la voluntad o herramientas personales para abandonar a la persona, el que no busques siquiera ayuda, es otro tema. Quedarte, por las razones que sean, en una situación que te causa sufrimiento, es una decisión. Puedes elegir buscar ayuda. Infelizmente, muchas mujeres terminan en un hospital o en una morgue, porque deciden permanecer con quien las maltrata. Sí que es una decisión.
Al igual que quedarte pegado en pensamientos catastróficos que te llenan de angustia, que te deprimen. Entiendo tu punto de vista, la depresión clínica, por ejemplo, es una enfermedad, y muchas veces las personas se lo tomen a la ligera. Ciertamente, "no podemos controlar lo que nos sucede a voluntad", pero pienso que sí podemos cambiar nuestra actitud ante lo que nos sucede. Siempre puedes buscar ayuda. Pero no nos educan para ser más asertivos.
Como dices, hay muchos factores por los que puedes quedarte pegado en algo que te cause sufrimiento, pero quedarte allí considero que sí es una elección. Te lo dice alguien que como expreso en el artículo vivió violencia doméstica, vivió la depresión y tomó la decisión de buscar ayuda y transformó su manera de enfocar las cosas y ha logrado alcanzar un mayor bienestar interior y ser más feliz, a pesar de los momentos de dificultad y de dolor que nos ocurren a todos los seres humanos.
Es precisamente eso lo que sucede: un sesgo personal. Que nos haya funcionado a nosotros no quiere decir que le funcione a todos. Que hayamos podido decir «hasta aquí», no quiere decir que todos puedan hacerlo. Entender esto es muy importante para no juzgar a los demás por estándares propios o vivencias personales.
Decir que es una decisión quedarse ahí, a esa persona que sufre, es simplificar todo el asunto y hacerla única responsable de su realidad en contexto. Hablar desde el privilegio a veces nos hace herir a los demás por el simple hecho de creer que porque nosotros pudimos, todos pueden, y no es así porque no compartimos la misma realidad objetiva ni subjetiva.
Una vez una amiga me leyó una frase que a día de hoy guardo en mi memoria: «cuando entendemos que las opiniones están cargadas de experiencia personal, entendemos que cada juicio es una confesión», y no es justo.
Mucchas gracias @beaescribe por esta publicación.
Es justo decir abiertamente que el sufrimiento también es una elección, pero es duro reconocerlo y hacernos responsables.
Rescato esta líneas que me han llegado como una gran verdad:
"Debemos aceptar que tenemos modelos mentales y patrones de conducta que repetimos y nos llevan a tomar acciones que nos causan dolor."
Eso es muy cierto.
Y mil gracias por las excelentes sugerencias.
Gracias por tu lectura y comentario Emilio. Sí, efectivamente, puede ser muy duro reconocer nuestra propia responsabilidad en algunas experiencias que nos causan sufrimiento, pero es necesario, si queremos tomar consciencia y cambiar esos patrones. Cuando no los reconocemos tendemos a repetirlo, como escribió Jung, "los hacemos destino". Nos quedamos en el rol de la víctima, culpando a otros y negando nuestra propia responsabilidad en la situación.