Life is quite unpredictable. Even when you think you have the perfect plan to raise your children with the best intentions, things just don't seem to go as expected and what appears to be protection on your end may be seen as oppression by those you are raising.
Raising young adults seems to be the most trying of all parenting stages. The children of yesterday are growing up, viewing themselves as adults and suddenly wanting to leave the nest under their own authority, wanting to visit and go places where ever they please without asking for permission from their parents.
Comparing the period I grew up to this generation, while growing under the supervision of my parents, even I (as a 22 year old) and already earning my own money, I respected my parents and had to ask for permission from them whenever I decided to hang out with friends. It was so because I still lived under my parents' roof and hence was under their authority.
Young adults today do not see and think the same way. As soon as they are 18 and they start making their own money they tend to view themselves as their own bosses, they feel they have the right to do anything without any accountability to their parents. While boys might seem easier to handle than girls, even when they go out without permission; you still know who they are spending their time with because they come back at the end of the day. While the situation with girls is completely different.
You do not know the type of people they are spending their time with or where they spend it with; you are then left worried all the time. If you ask them questions, as a father, about what they do, they are inclined to believe that you are infringing their privacy, or if not, you simply do not care about them and their success in life.
As a father I have 3 young adults; two boys and a daughter who happens to be the oldest of the three. I do not have much problems with my boys; it is my daughter that poses the problem since they have become really busy with school work and training while my daughter on the other hand is obsessed with social life. She hardly finds time for her house chores.
It seems that hanging out and spending time with her friends has brought about conflict and a lot of arguments and I do not really know how I can instill some sense of respect for her, so that she can remain safe while maintaining her independence; and not interprets my action as being contrary to her aspirations and progress in life.
I do hope any father or mother experiencing same problem with their young adults can offer some advice, suggestion, and tips to handling their growing up adults in this situation.
Please Share your experiences, suggestions, tips and all in the comment.
Thanks.
Spanish Version
¿Cómo hago que obedezcan?
La vida es bastante impredecible. Incluso cuando crees tener el plan perfecto para criar a tus hijos con las mejores intenciones, las cosas no parecen salir como esperabas y lo que parece una protección por tu parte puede ser visto como opresión por quienes estás criando.
La crianza de jóvenes adultos parece ser la etapa más difícil de la crianza. Los niños de ayer están creciendo, se ven como adultos y de repente quieren dejar el nido bajo su propia autoridad, queriendo visitar e ir a donde quieran sin pedir permiso a sus padres.
Comparando la época en la que crecí con esta generación, mientras crecía bajo la supervisión de mis padres, incluso yo (a los 22 años) y ya ganando mi propio dinero, respetaba a mis padres y tenía que pedirles permiso cada vez que decidía salir con amigos. Esto era así porque aún vivía bajo el techo de mis padres y, por lo tanto, estaba bajo su autoridad.
Los jóvenes adultos de hoy no ven ni piensan de la misma manera. En cuanto cumplen 18 años y empiezan a ganar su propio dinero, tienden a verse como sus propios jefes, sienten que tienen derecho a hacer lo que quieran sin rendir cuentas a sus padres. Aunque los chicos pueden parecer más fáciles de manejar que las chicas, incluso cuando salen sin permiso, sabes con quién pasan el tiempo porque vuelven al final del día. En cambio, la situación con las chicas es completamente diferente.
No sabes con qué tipo de personas pasan su tiempo ni dónde lo hacen; entonces te quedas preocupado todo el tiempo. Si, como padre, les preguntas sobre lo que hacen, tienden a creer que estás infringiendo su privacidad o, si no, simplemente no te importan ni su éxito en la vida.
Como padre, tengo tres hijos jóvenes: dos varones y una hija que es la mayor. No tengo muchos problemas con mis hijos; es mi hija la que me causa el problema, ya que están muy ocupados con las tareas escolares y la formación, mientras que mi hija, en cambio, está obsesionada con la vida social. Apenas encuentra tiempo para las tareas del hogar.
Parece que salir y pasar tiempo con sus amigos ha generado conflictos y muchas discusiones, y no sé cómo puedo inculcarle respeto para que pueda estar segura y a la vez mantener su independencia, y que no interprete mi acción como contraria a sus aspiraciones y progreso en la vida.
Espero que cualquier padre o madre que esté pasando por el mismo problema con sus hijos jóvenes pueda ofrecer consejos, sugerencias y sugerencias para manejar esta situación.
Compartan sus experiencias, sugerencias y consejos en los comentarios.
Gracias.
I don't think it's a matter of whether they are boys or girls, every child is different. I have 2 daughters and my eldest left home at 19 because she wanted to be able to do what she wanted and not feel beholden to contributing to a household that wasn't her own. My youngest is still living with us at 22, helps contribute to the household and while she doesn't ask for permission (I don't expect her to) to meet with friends, she always tells me where and who she'll be with. My eldest was so hard to be around before she left home I think my youngest saw that and didn't want to put me through the same stress.
The only thing I can suggest is that you continue to calmly explain why is important to contribute and communicate with those you live with. It may not change things for when she still lives with you, but the lesson is there for if she ever moves out and had to live with someone else. My eldest currently live with a housemate and while she didn't respect us when living with us she does know why it's important to respect those she lives with now. My sister was the eldest too and behaved similarly, so maybe it's common of the eldest child and the younger ones see and learn from it.
Thank you for this comment and advice. After reading it thoughtfully I started to reflect on my approach to handling my daughter, perhaps I must have been too demanding for wanting her to do and live exactly as I wanted. Like you said, I want to use the approach, advice and instruct her on her to conduct herself both outside and at home, then leave the rest to God.
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