I always wanted a roller coaster relationship. Even the bad parts I was daydreaming about. How we would have screaming fights that maybe even turned physical. Nothing severe, but I didn´t have any complications with the idea of being pushed towards a wall or things being hurled through the air. I guess it is the display of passion that is attracting to me. When it all comes down to it, if somebody can move you into highly altered emotional states, they must mean a lot to you. And to me, even anger is a proof of this.
However, now that I have gotten the roller coaster relationship that I dreamed of, I can with certainty say that it´s not how I imagined it to be. I did definitely not take into account actually how painful it is. Loving somebody with this much force is way more difficult than people think. It puts you in situations where you have to face the dilemma “Who do I love the most? Myself or my partner?”. And you might say that if you truly love your partner then the choice should be obvious. But it´s not. Cause humans aren´t perfect. Far from thereof. Even the person you love is just a human, and as humans they can be selfish, short sighted, unreasonable and demanding, even plain out mean. And in these instances, it will not always be easy to decide who you should put first. Ultimately, I think it´s your ability to stay with them through these times that shows how much you really love them. A person who stays with their abusive partner, even when they´re aware of the abuse, is probably one of the purest signs of love that there is.
You probably think it sounds fucked-up, and I agree, but reality is fucked-up. Stop for a second and look around you, I´m sure you´ll find that way more things than you thought at first are absolutely crazy, or disturbing, or off, in some sense.
I want to share a quote from one of my favorite persons, that I find incredibly thought-provoking: “All relationships are abusive, the only thing that keeps them from being experienced as abusive is love”. Think about it; how much do you sacrifice yourself for your partner? How much do you conform to them? Restrain your own nature to be a better person, to be more receptive to their insane ideas, their complaints, their nagging?
And it goes for all relationships, not just your partner. How much have you struggled to live up to your parents´ expectations to you? How many times did you have to bite your tongue from slipping a stingy comment when your friend didn´t show the appreciation that you felt you deserved? Everything that restrains you, in some way or another, can be seen as a form of abuse. We are all being abused, and we´re all abusers. The only thing that prevents us from experiencing it as abuse, is the love we feel for the other person.
It´s fine for me to sacrifice some of my precious time for my partner; because I love them. It´s fine for me to take my friend´s absentmindedness; because I love them. It´s fine for me to put some of my passions on hold to spend time with my family; because I love them. The love I feel gives me space, gives me more room, to tolerate their potentially abusive behavior. And I don´t feel resentful.
Then comes the question: How much do I love them in comparison to how much I love myself? I think it´s a taboo nowadays to admit it, and I think this causes so many problems, because it doesn´t get less true if we keep denying it: we all love ourselves. Many times, we love ourselves way more than we love other people. It becomes apparent every time we prioritize ourselves, every time we behave in certain ways that show we think we´re better than others, every time we are unable to make hard decisions or go through pain for others…
After those things happen, we will likely be filled with guilt, but we will not realize that what we did was selfish, and an action we took because we in fact love ourselves the most. Instead we will deny it, give it the explanation that it was an accident, that we didn´t have all the information we needed to make the best, most honorable decision, that we were a bit short sighted or that we acted a bit too fast. This way of thinking robs us of a valuable moment to reflect: What made me do this? What reason did I have to love myself the most at this moment? Did I feel unrightfully treated? Does this person simply not mean that much to me? Or was I just an asshole, taking a selfish decision with no justification at all?
If you have a roller coaster relationship with someone, you can be sure of that you´re putting them in this dilemma. That they´re fighting between their love for themselves and their love for you. And if their love for you is challenging their love for themselves, you can be certain that they love you with all of their capacity. For the love we have for ourselves is something fundamental, something vital, something that will never go away. Even if we all feel times of self-hatred, this deep self-love will always be there. Where there is real passion, there will be sparks. And that´s why I don´t fear the roller coaster relationship; it´s something I desire.
