I try to remember what I did today but I can't. Is there something wrong with my head? It's cold outside, dangerous inside and I try to watch my steps but I am so tired. It's not easy to be prepared for the worst. At home it's better I am. "Watch your steps, your words, be careful"... I try to remember these words but I cannot repeat them in my head. My head is tired or perhaps I am not a real human. I have no feelings left. It's dark and cold inside.
I did something wrong but I don't understand what. What did I do this time? I always do something wrong and if I didn't do it I still did it. Someone has to pay for what went wrong. That someone is me. Adults... They don't believe me if I say the truth. I am just a child and children lie, adults speak the truth and are always right.
My dad sent me to bed early. It was a punishment. I am not allowed to watch tv. Later he came to my room and said I can watch a series with him and my punishment would be on Monday. I said "no thank you," and stayed in bed. My mother cannot be trusted neither can my dad. My dad never sticks to his promises and he will send me to bed at 5 p.m. anyway if he likes.
Saturday
December 12, 2020
Today I am not in the mood to write. It's the same Sunday like usual. Serving, cleaning, keeping my mouth shut, no fun and food I cannot eat. I am too ill to write. Goodnight.
Sunday
December 13, 2020
Last week school. I don't hate Monday's but Sunday's. I wish I could sleep longer though. I can see the winter outside through the window. I don't like to go outside during the break. It's too cold but we have to. The teachers stay inside and drink coffee.
The girl left she won't come back. I am not sad about that. It's better this way. No one likes to stay with us. Our house isn't safe and my mother is dangerous.
Monday
December 14, 2020
As I came back home my mother was calling someone. From the way she talks I know it's my granny. She scolds at her. Why doesn't my granny just hang up? She's an adult too. I don't know what to do. Can I go upstairs? I don't think so it's better to wait till she is finished. I stay at the door and wait and wait. Once my mother is finished she is angry with me. She yells, scolds and hits me, tells me things I know nothing about. Will this ever end?
The phone range again and my aunt calls. It always goes this way. My mother yells at or complains with my granny, my granny calls my aunt, my aunt my mother, my aunt my granny and my mother my granny and my granny my mother and my head bangs. Can't they stop and be kind for a change
Tuesday
December 15, 2020
My mother kept vacuuming today. It's a miracle the carpet isn't bald. If I look in the bag of the vacuum cleaner I only see the white wool of the carpet. She says she will buy a Christmas tree once she is finished. She needs to work too and I hope soon. The vacuum cleaner makes a lot of noise and she is vacuuming since this morning. How can she vacuum a carpet for over six hours?
"It needs to be clean," she said, "the house is filthy."
I cannot see the dirt and dust she sees. My eyes are not good enough to see what she sees plus I am not perfect.
Wednesday
December 16, 2020
Once back home the Christmas tree arrived. It is a huge one and just fits underneath the ceiling. There are needles all through the kitchen and hallway. She says I can help her decorate. It's not a question but an order. I don't like to decorate because the needles are painful and the tree makes me feel itchy. The tree looks nice though. Silver balls, big candles, silver cones and pigeons, and some white stuff she calls "hair of an angel". The hair cuts in my fingers. I don't like to touch it but she says I need to pull it out a bit and put it on the ranks of the tree. It's a beautiful tree. Symmetry is important to my mother and this tree is.
Thursday
December 17, 2020
Tonight is Christmas at school it's the only day my parents visit school. There is a performance, hot chocolate, the Christmas cookies I like and a story. The teacher told it in the dark. Only candles were burning. Before we left all children received a present. A book, orange and a special chocolate ring with a red ribbon. You can hang it in the tree at home if you like. I like my book but I don't like the Christmas holidays. Two weeks staying home with my mother is no fun. I cannot sleep longer, do what I like. My mother doesn't care about school holidays. Perhaps I can read in the afternoon if all work is done?
Friday
December 18, 2020
First day of the school vacation. No school doesn't mean any work. The house is cold but the tree looks nice. The candles always burn. So does the paper star in front of the window. It's called the "star of Bethlehem". Many people have one. At night they all burn but no one will follow them or knock in the door, our door.
Saturday
December 19, 2020