If that's how you perceive me, it's because I talk about it a lot, mostly from a retrospective perspective. I visit the place where I grew up because I still have brothers there. The old people have all been dying for many years and as I knew many of them, I can also talk about them. The Russian-German - mostly practicing Christians - community in which I grew up is slowly dying its death.
I myself was the one who excluded myself from this form of coexistence - and of course not everything was perfect. But really, where is that the case?
I turned my back on everything, went to the city and didn't think about the fact that I then became a part of that which rejected religion, which primarily gave space to my own hedonistic needs and everything else you can imagine. So from my teens into my mid-thirties I lived quite an unconscious life and would describe myself as fully integrated in terms of fun and meritocracy. I was popular because I was a party girl and looked good etc. etc. I was successful at work because I knew how to market myself.
Until I became a mum, this life was full of adventure, fun - and of course the less enjoyable times too.
But when I had my son, everything changed in one fell swoop. I became severely depressed and walked the streets of my city and saw nothing but zombies. They all seemed remote-controlled and soulless to me. I was shocked to my core that I hadn't seen this before and I was terrified. The complete and unvarnished indifference of the city-people, their total self-centredness, their complete lack of connection to each other - it seemed to drive me out of my mind. With some effort, I somehow managed to reintegrate myself and push back the terrible desolation, the loneliness that had taken hold of me (though it never really left me, since). I had to pretend, for my son's sake, that it was all just normal, the way we all live.
I could say so much more.
From then on, many things changed for me. I didn't become my old self, but I couldn't go back to my hometown either. So I stayed where I was, brought up my son (of course the father and I separated), looked for a new relationship, failed, until I finally got together with my current husband.
I gradually withdrew from meeting up with friends as I was no longer interested in doing the same things all the time, such as going out and drinking, which had lost its appeal and seemed pointless. As a result, my social circle narrowed considerably. When 2020 finally came and I didn't want to be tested or wear a mask, I was made redundant. For me, the whole thing was rotten from the start. I was the only one in both of the centres where I had been working as a freelancer until then. There was no one, apart from me, who was so sceptical. Everyone complied. I lost the few friends I had - everything happened in such a way that people simply stopped seeing each other and that was it. So I also lost that support, my job and the friends in my city. In short, no, I'm no longer a member of society at all - I'm on the margins. It's amazing how life can twist, isn't it? I think I would do a lot of things differently today than I did.
Well, I can still say that my life has been good for the most part and is still good, as I don't have any material worries at the moment. I am blessed with a good husband and I hope that my son will make better decisions than his parents did.
What you see of me on the surface here on hive is just the surface.
I normally avoid giving such personal information, but that's what I've done. In order to respond to:
So, I would not expect you to defiantly leap out of the nonrecollection bubble just because you were expected to remain within it. I would expect you to be supportive of that purpose of the collective rather than place your personal desire to recall above the interests of the collective.
I am still not sure how to understand it but I would say that the interest of the collective seemed to differentiate from what I would say is my interest. The collective often seems to be like a mindless, conscious-less mishmash of no clear direction, even though, weirdly enough, it behaves very determined, ... zombies...
My own experience exactly summarized. We are far more alike than we are different. I suppose that is why I am so intent on your posts when you make them.
In the event you recall these words when you are dreaming, perhaps you will, being as independent of external control as you demonstrably are, decide to reveal to yourself the reality of our collective consciousness as did I, and take that leap out of the nonrecollection bubble that is imposed on us when we are asleep and the blinders of nonrecollection are lifted from our understanding. Until and unless you do, those blinders will continue to conceal that intellectual freedom I have seen.
It was unexpected by me. I have more questions than I can ever hope to answer as a result of that one second of recollection I forced on me - and it was all a dream - LOL