Why I Struggle With Constistency

The early morning hours are peeling away the dark and light is slowly gathering momentum to conquer the day in a few. I have been drifting between worlds and my every attempt to collect my scattered thoughts in a reflective piece or any other piece for that matter has been an impossible task.

Fluency and consistency are two huge hurdles I got to overcome for me to be where I am supposed to be as a scribe. Or as a member of this community. I am aware of that. But I also have the best excuse in the world as to why what is, is.

You see... For my household to run, I got to have a certain amount of money every week to every month. For someone who majorly freelances, I have to tell you it's hard work.

I am not yet in a place where what I do (which is ghostwriting reports on the criminal justice system mainly the prisons and the nonexistent juvenile justice system) can cater for my every basic need so there is a need to corporate a little bit of some additional hustles here and there.

If you then add on that to the fact that currently, I am the main guardian to my brood and also their sole financier, it becomes a bit time consuming if not overwhelming. I am not complaining as it has been a painful joy.

When you have this in mind plus the fact that I am a human. One with desires and goals. A flawed one. One who procrastinates more than anyone else she knows. A mother. One who wants nothing but what is best for her heirs.

Then you will see the weight of it all.

I have fountains of flowing inquisitiveness within. They are what helps me create. If I don't tend to them, sometimes they run unmanned and flood. Other times life overtakes everything and drought-like desperation dries them up completely and for I have no substitute oases, everything dies.

Time might be kind at times but my words might just opt to scatter themselves sparingly across my anarchic headspace at that same time. Other times, the words are here and ready to corporate but my tired body won't budge.

I blame the expectations in place. The unsaid ones like educate your children if you want them to embody self-sufficiency. Well, a good education is expensive where I come from. And the obvious ones like feed your brood. Sadly, even food ain't cheap here.

We haven't mentioned you also need to clothe them and provide a safe space for them to call home. And don't forget their health care maintenance. Expensive shit too. Do you see where I am going with this?

Time is fluid but my accountabilities are not. What I yearn for and what is expected of me will always clash. Unless Hive helps me every month to cater for some, I can't afford my hobby :(

_{wambuku w.}