I am mostly doing Ok post grandma. I think it is just hard because the grandma stuff and the mom stuff are so intertwined. Just 2 days after grandma died mom was back in the hospital. And a couple weeks before grandma passed I had wanted to take her to visit mom, but it didn’t end up working out so I felt some guilt and sadness over that. I hated that my mom couldn’t properly say goodbye to her mom. And I know how sad grandma would be if she had lived to see mom’s cancer come back.
And then you add my aunt (who is also my godmother) I feel like I am losing the last of the women who made me all at once. And not having my own kiddos sort of adds this finality to the whole thing. I will be the last person in that line of my family and while that has been the case for years, it feels heavier now that grandma is gone and mom is on her way out.