Privacy is a very sensitive issue. This is because being too lax with it can basically be you being nonchalant or careless. And being too tight with it can also be you doing too much. But then, there has to be a way to do this. Your kids need to have privacy, and they also need to have the space to grow at their own pace while learning to be independent.
There are many parents today who are basically helicopter parents, they want to be in everything that their child is into, and if they can’t get in, then the child won’t even think about it. But then, there are also parents who are really laid back when their kids are concerned. I once had a friend who told me that during her teenage years, she could sneak her boyfriend into her home, even when her parents were home, and one time, he even stayed the night. This was because she was certain no one was going to come knocking on her door.
The thing is, how then do we know when it’s too much? You see, the world is dangerous and crazy, and as a result, we always want to protect our kids from people who will want to harm them. That’s why when your kids are little, you have to vet their friends yourself. You decide who their friends are and what exactly they do together. How you receive that relationship could even determine if they go on to be best friends or not.
But as they grow older, you’d have to trust them to make friends for themselves and nurture the relationship. And that’s also when they’d start thinking of privacy for the first time, and they’d also start keeping things from you. I believe that forcing kids to open up will never really work. You can have access to their phones and messages, you can remove their doors and windows, so you know constantly what’s going on with them. But you can never know what’s going on in their minds. And regardless of how good you think you are, kids are really good liars! They’d look you dead in the eye and lie to your face. And you won’t suspect a thing!
Once they notice you don’t trust them with something, they’ll most likely do it anyway, but will also keep it away from you because they know that telling you will be more trouble than it’s worth. I feel that building a close relationship with your kids would be really helpful, that way, as they grow, you can trust them to be open to you, regardless of what they’re going through.
So, while there is also too much privacy, there can be too little, and most of the time, the degree depends largely on the child themselves. You’d have to know when to employ the ‘open-doors’ policy, and when to constantly monitor their computers and phones. You’d also know when you give them space to be their own person. Because if you don’t give them enough of it during their formative years, when they eventually get it, coming back home to you would always be difficult.
So, we need the balance. We need to find that sweet spot between doing too much and doing too little. We need to know when we’re doing enough.
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My first thought as I read your post @bruno-kema, was distant memories of early childhood. When very young, my sisters and I were restricted to playing in the garden. Of course younger ones were always prevented from following the older ones. And there's 2 life lessons for the price of one.
Gradually, our boundaries were extended. Not past Mrs Watson's; then, not past the lamppost; later, not past the end of the street; etc. With similar boundaries applied to most aspects of our lives. So we grew up safely and with confidence.
Only when I reached teenage years did I realize my luck. As some friends were, let's say, overconfident or underconfident. And then I remember slowly being involved in adult stuff. Not thrown in at the the deep end when 18. But an occasional drink in a safe pub at 13. Or a meaningful conversation about important topics at 14. Where I was allowed to express and develop my own opinions.
@justola1, that is the "sweet spot".
!BBH
It makes sense now: not too much freedom all at once, but also not total restriction.
Thanks for sharing your experience, it gave me something to think about. 💯
Exactly, by giving it to you little by little, you knew exactly what you were getting into by the time you had full access. You also knew the risks involved and how to take care of yourself. When kids have totaly sheltered lives, they go into adulthood having no idea what's out there. That's when 'exploration' starts and pretty soon, it ends up being a traumatic period of their lives. Thanks for this break down.
I was reading your post as always and I kept on scrolling for the rest of the write-up. I didn't want it to end .
I wished you talked more about that 'sweet spot between doing too much and doing too little.'
Actually Finding that moderate spot and knowing when to do much or calm down with your kids.
I understand you stopping there though since its a subjective topic.
As you said:
There is no manual. It depends on the child and the parent would have to use his/her intuition/discretion to handle it.
Parenting is hard sha 😪
I pray my future kids don't stress me.
Indeed... there's no manual, because one method that works for your first kid might not really work for your second kid. You just keep going with your gut. Parenting is indeed hard.
Yeah, I can relate cos I have siblings.
Thank youu
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Thank you for this.
I think with growth the privacy level should be increased. Parents can't control their child all the time but, then they need to be careful that their child is not losing right track. The best thing parents come to is giving a strong foundation to their children to understand better about what to do and what not to do..
Indeed... one can never be too careful, but also, we have to ensure that we don't overdo it.