Lunch time preparation at the Ludlow house was no joke. However, Sunday was one of the two days of the week that Capt. Ludlow supplemented lunch and dinner with food from Dubois on the Road or any of the restaurants associates with the Dubois family through Dubois and Friends, and instead of having it delivered, went out to get what he had ordered.
George Ludlow, his nine-year-old grandson, was delighted to get up in the front seat and enjoy this part of the day with Papa, away from the rest, as well.
Although the Veteran's Lodge was right by Fruitland Memorial Park, George still loved it if his grandfather pulled off the road and bought something for them at a fruit stand so they could just sit by the side of the road, eat their fruit, and watch the world go by.
One thing Fruitland did not grow was strawberries, so Capt. Ludlow bought a dozen baskets of fruit to put in the cooler to take home to the family, and another basket for him and George to just eat by the side of the road, looking down the valley … and George just leaned his head onto his grandfather's chest in perfect contentment while his grandfather put his arm around him.
“See, this is what I need, Papa,” he said at last. “It helps me get through the tired days.”
“You have so much energy I would hardly think you ever get tired, George.”
“You know how sometimes people just do stuff to do stuff? That's me a lot of times. I'm so tired after everything that happened with Mom and Dad and Uncle and Aunt and them leaving us and having to go into foster care that there are days I'm so tired I hope I wake up and just see Jesus and just be done.”
That was almost shocking coming from a nine-year-old … but Capt. Ludlow had done his reading and research. He knew that depression and suicide rates among younger children were definitely growing, and Covid-19 wasn't helping.
“Truth be told, George,” the grandfather said gently, “that's a lot of people in the world. You are not alone.”
“What about you, Papa? How do you deal with the tired days?”
George knew he had them … his mother and uncle were Capt. Ludlow's children Anne and Robert Jr.
“Well, you have to consider that I am a soldier – retired just two years ago, but that's still my mindset,” Capt. Ludlow said. “Do we get tired? Absolutely. It's probably the hardest job in the world. But we have things to do – on active duty we don't have to come up with things to do and do well, and really, if you look around in the world as a civilian, you really don't have to either. There is always a way to serve.
“Add with that: I know that when I do see the Lord, I want to give a good report to Him, ever so much more than I did to the army I loved and faithfully served. He has assigned me all kinds of wonderful things to do and people to do them with” – and he kissed his grandson on his forehead – “so I stay focused on Him and keep moving.”
“Do you miss Mom, though?”
“Every day, grandson. She was my daughter, and I loved her.”
“Does it make you mad, though, that she didn't love us enough to stay?”
Capt. Ludlow took a moment to consider his words here, and then just said it.
“It enrages me, George. Sometimes I get so mad when I think of it I don't know what to do – but then there is nothing to do, so then the anger is looking for a place to go.”
George jumped up.
“You get it! You do get it!”
“Of course, George. I'm an old man and you are a boy becoming a man – two different stages of life, but we have the same propensities. Loss of control, disappointed love, and the need for somebody to make all of this right – it can drive you crazy if you let it.”
“So how do you not let it, Papa?
“Every day, I remind myself that God is in control, and He also allows other people their choices in the midst of His choices. This means that I can only control what I do and have responsibility for, which includes taking that disappointed love and loving who is here for me to love while God take care of making everything right as He sees fit.”
Capt. Ludlow stood and threw his arms around his grandson, who hugged him back with all his strength.
“I can be mad at your mother and uncle all day long or I can pour all my love and strength all day long into their children and make them mine – every day, which do you think I choose?”
George burst into tears.
“I get it now, Papa! I get it! I choose us too! I choose us too!”
Grandson bawled and felt even better when he saw the tears on his grandfather's face and heard his voice break, and then calmed down – a whole lot.
“I guess I don't need to pull Edwina's hair any more – none of it is her fault, and she misses the same people and needs love too,” George said.
“There are seven of you, and seven days in the week – maybe you all need a day,” Capt. Ludlow said, “but today is yours, and we've still got some strawberries to eat here before we go home.”
I had to hold back the tears.
I cried as I was writing it ... thinking of the kids that I have tried to help work through these feelings ... we do what we can...
I am so happy that there are good people like you in this cruel world. God Bless you.
And God also bless you, an actual grandmother out there making sure your grandchildren know they are loved ... the more grandmas there are like you, the better...
Thank you