Just a Freewrite

It has been a while and since I stopped blogging my thoughts have returned to their jumbled mess. Writing things down helps me slow down and hink straight and not juggle 10 unrelated ideas at one. I'm quite antisocial in general and have a couple of close friends, who somehow understand my ramblings. I can jump from talking about a movie to food in the same sentence. It takes effort and practice to write coherently. At least writing is easier than talking, as I can take breaks and I can choose whether to post something. I have had several ocassions of saying things that I thought were compliments but I phrase it poorly. Or worse I miss out saying some parts that are in my head, but I forget I didnt express those. Most of the day I spend planning, and it's exhausting but I can't stop. So I make list after list of plans and only one in maybe ten ever gets completed.

Meditation has been helpful to calm my mind, but somehow I never stick to it for more than a week. Exercise has been great for my mind and yet I procrastinate on doing it. The only things I seem to get done are challenges and things I find exciting, and even then it can take years after many breaks of finally completing them. So I give myself challenges constantly, but I often over do it and burn myself out. Once I'm burned out I retreat into some game and that seems to be the only time I forget about other things on my mind. I get fully immersed into games, but I'm very picky with what I play. It's like a much needed time out for my brain.

I overthink things and I worry too much. My best technique against anxiety has been to not think about it and redirect my thoughts. But that has been having a supressig effect on all of my thoughts. I'm sensitive, way more than Id like to be and than I'm comfortable admitting. So I mostly keep to myself, my little protective shell.

I write about positive things not to deceive that my life is perfect, but because it's easier and I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't want to share my problems, that won't fix my issues anyways and I don't want pity.

I believe I'm responsible and can eventually be in control of my thoughts and emotions, but it's damn hard. I don't feel comfortable giving any advice since I haven't mastered the techniques myself. However, I constantly go out of my comfort zone, including this freewrite, because that has helped my grow in the past.
My mom died in an accident and the 1 year anniversary is approaching. I miss her so much. a