I woke with a startle as the sedation wore off. It was dimly lit but I could see nurses walk by, hurrying to other patients.
I felt pressure on my throat and nostril as I recall that I approved early the process of intubation. It was to give myself a fighting chance they said.
Yet the tube felt thick and blocking my airway. I started to panic as I felt unable to breathe. In my mind it was illogical as the ventilator was supposed to help me and not choke me. Yet my body was not listening.
I hyperventilate as I continue to panic
I could hardly move, my muscles feeling weak but I managed to raise one hand and tried to look for the nurse call button to no avail.
I wave my hand, trying desperately to get their attention but they continue to pass by. My heart rate races and the monitors start their incessant beeping.
I feel my tears fall down as I have thoughts of dying here all alone in the dark. I haven't even said goodbye to my family yet. I haven't even said goodbye to her yet.
What felt like an eternity when finally a nurse popped her head in to check the beeping. She said sorry and said they are swamped with so many patients.
She took a needle and said she was administrating a mild sedative to calm me down.
Like that, I drifted back to nothingness...
This was an account of the fear and panic I experienced the first time I awoke after being intubated. I got critically ill with COVID 19 and one of the organs that got hit really hard was my lungs were I experienced difficulty in breathing eventually reaching 67% oxygen saturation levels and turning blue.
It was scary because I was afraid of dying alone in the ward. I did not want to be a statistic.
I had eventually gotten better but I still remember that scene vividly.