Hi there,
there's a lot of personal development going on the past few days at a racing speed.
Earlier this week I got a message that my painting was done. A very sweet woman I met on FB offered to do 'intuitive painting'. It's her journey in expressing herself and stepping outside in the world with her gifts. I was strongly connected and 'yes make one for me!' Was my response. Not knowing I had to pay a price for it, which of-course makes sense. I just wasn´t aware and a bit naive.
When I received the message (after one or two months) that it was ready, my brain went into error. It was to early, I wasn´t ready to receive such a gift. A lot of interference went on. Trying to delay the pickup, fighting with myself, having a lot of thoughts projected in my head with the attached feelings. It was another roller-coaster this week. The only thing I could do was letting go, as there was so much more to let go the past week and I needed a clear mind.
Last Friday and yesterday I really got connected to myself. Like a cloud was lifted and I could feel myself again. I did some yoga yesterday morning (wanted to active my Kundalini. While doing that I got in good connection with my higher self and some other guides. The message was clear let everything about this painting go, no expectations and no desires. When she's offering a time and date you would go, no matter what.
After writing two posts and creating some drawings, yesterday. She messaged me if I could pick it up today. Surprisingly I was really excited in that moment, a feeling of joy and a little bit of anxiety. So I grabbed my stuff and took the train. Two-and-a-half hour train ride to pick up a gift.
While sitting in the train I had no problem to stay in the moment, just listen to some music and reading a book about embryonic breathing, a practice in QiGong.
If your instincts say you go, you should go
This journey became another one for the books. While sitting in the train, I had to go to the bathroom. But stubborn me was like, nah I can hold up to the next station for the transfer. And you can guess... No time at the next station for going to the toilet. I can still hold up, the station at my destination has a restroom area.
After 2,5 hours I got to my destination and she would pick up with her RV. The station I arrived in, was in such a small town, there was no restroom or other facility nearby. So there goes my bladder.. No I didn´t wet my pants. I just waited patiently. I got a text that she was running late, there had to be a minor adjustment to the painting. Sure no problem, everything happens for a reason and if it needed an adjustment sure 'go after your guts'.
I expected to wait for problem 15 minutes more.. it became more then an hour waiting in the middle of nowhere and with a few drops of rain. and a full bladder. But my mood couldn't be disturbed. I was still happy and excited to receive such a wonderful gift.
Besides that, I've done many strange things in my life. Like, driving all night and thru a big part of Belgium for finding a good night club, ending at a club a few miles from home. Or driving 600km (6hours) to meet friends for one evening and driving back home the next day. If it excites me I will do almost anything :-)
So after an hour waiting, I saw an RV crossing the bridge, it probably was her, 'but why is she driving the wrong direction?' She texted me that she was lost my google maps.. hahaha. After like 15 minutes I saw the RV again on the bridge, this time on the right side of the road heading my me. WoopWoop! And I still had to go to the bathroom
She arrived with her cute doggies, two Akito's. And what a sweet young woman came out of the RV. Probably the same height as myself and a very soft radiant energy. She was a bit excited as well, as it was her first intuitive painting to give a way. Lucky me :-D
We sat in her RV, I greeted the dogs. It took a few minutes before they got used to me. They even became playful, to her surprise. As the hardly do that, only to people the know for a longer time. I do have that effect on animals, although I don't have pets myself.
She took her new drum, to 'land' me in the moment. With the first hit and tone, I immediately went into another life. I life I was an native american, a medicine man, maybe even a tribe leader. It's been almost 3 years since the last time I got connected to this part of myself. And this man was one of my first guides I saw. Then, back in 2021 he showed me a way to cut energetic cords and re-balance my self. Most of the time if we cut energetic cords, we don´t balance ourselves out, we cut them and that's it.
Back to the present (or gift)
She took her bag and gave me a wrapped present :-D I was really excited!!
First I opened an envelop, she wrote an intuitive poem. And well, it couldn't be closer to the truth and what I needed. Literally translated from Dutch
Get to the core
no more lying on the verge
Peace of mind
No swarming
Channel your purest potential
Just let it flow
In a natural line
Not looking backwards
But all in whole
In the light, the center of your being
Is all you need to live and to heal
For you are and always will be a magnificent being
To the order of today
There is no need to rush
Your own rhythm
Flowing but constructively steady
Shine but your light
A loving self-duty
It really moved me and it I needed to hear/read this. Not forcing myself to achieve something, because I can or want to. But going in flow with a steady pace. I must say with each practice and lesson it goes easier.
The intuitive painting reflecting my souls color
Anyway after like almost an hour or 2 chatting. I took the train back, still in need of a bathroom. This time I decided to take the one on the train. The first one didn't had any toiletpaper.. Really?? And the second one.. uhm neither.. For Gods sake hahaha I remember that I had some tissues with me, those will do just fine.
Moral of this story; don't delay your instinct
The day after - Spiritual attack
While recovering from a intense day and night with a shit load on projections. To throw me of balance. Vivid dreams about fearful stuff, projections of a spirit who wants to be me girlfriend.. Like what the heck is going on?
Most day I start with yoga and today was not different. I practice kundalini yoga for over 3 years now. But never intentionally activated my kundalini, just flow. I believe it should come from with in and not from an external source or activation. So I started to do a few exercises and after the third one I got connected into my 'native american' life. Well sure why not. But this one, was no fun. I had to breath my way out of it. This vivid memory was filled with projections and fear. Fear of abandonment and reconnecting with a lost daughter (which in the altered memory was she who made the painting). I got really close to an anxiety attack and hyperventilation. I stepped out of it and took a shower to get my head straight. It's been a while I had such an experience.
Probably because I wrote and talked about certain objects to create awareness and I am disconnecting myself from certain energetic fields. I got attacked. This freaking dimension came on to me with everything attached. Which made it pretty difficult to separate certain aspects. And it really drained me.
What is my leak?
Later in the afternoon, when I regained my energy (sometimes it's really like a video game or an episode of Bleach, Avatar or dragonbal Z hahaha).
I was wondering what core believe or desire did they use for this attack. One of my core believes I am struggling with is 'abandonment'. In many past lives and many generations before me have had experienced abandonment both ways; 'be abandoned' or 'leaving behind.' So if you meet someone in your current life and you left that person behind in a past life. There is this theme of re-connection coming up. With all kinds of emotions. Joy, grief, longing etc.
And this is exactly what they used to gain access to me, in combination with having the need for a relationship (no desire). Being single and no form of intimacy for 10 years is no fun anymore. Everybody needs at certain times a hug, a shoulder or a partner to have fun with. I am not different from that and besides that I hardly have friends. Or I pushed them away or I changed so much they can´t connect with me and left.
I used to be very co-dependent and could be controlling, hardly truly trusted someone and now with all these skills I developed the past few years. Seeing energies, feeling intentions, seeing what kind of 'damage' it can do and so on doesn't make it easier.
It is that I don't trust the person. It's I feel their trauma and see/feel the attached energetic field. Most of the time I have to protect myself, be very aware about myself and my environment. Which makes me lost in all those moments and it can fragment me all over.
The only thing I can do is having a firm energetic field around me
Last year I started to do BMR (body mind reset) a method which makes new neurons in the brain and based on chakra levels. (I wrote a post about it). Sure I helped a lot, but when it comes to core believes and a little bit of doubt. No matter what you do, no form of therapy is going to help.
You need to trust and fully believe in yourself that you are capable to change
That can be very challenging or maybe I am making it bigger and complicate it. But no matter what, I want to disconnect 'negative´ believes and embody the best parts of myself. And to remember who I truly am, layer by layer to the depths of my core. Remembering the frequency of my DNA and my blueprint.
Is this to much to ask? Am I too busy unfolding myself? Like in the poem she wrote "Don't look back, see everything as a whole" and "There's no need to rush" ?
I did put out a few intentions for the coming 6 months.
One of them is to have friendship that match my current state of being, a friendship in which we trust, support, challenge and having fun with each other. This may unfold naturally and there's no need to push it. Everything in the right time at the right moment.
Reading and writing this down, makes me feel empowered me and it remembers me of what I have gained the past few years. The big challenging steps and the parts I healed of myself and ancestors. The victories I have had and the fun I have had and still have. No need for winning, just being present and grateful for everything and everyone I met.
And besides, Who else can say "Did you see that entity over there? While the majority isn´t aware of it" or "Why did we have to visit this place again? our higher selves found it a great idea...Well I don't like it xD" And so we or at least I learn my lessons and gain awareness in a whole different world.
2000 words and counting.. what a journey.
Until a next time! xD
Timothy
