To Be Or Not

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To Be Or Not

It may begin as a child, the things we do.
I came by it honestly.
An impulse, a desire, which became a passion.
And later a struggle.
I lived on so little, including self esteem.
Not healthy, but there you are.

You have to keep going.
Most will stop.
I did off and on, but always came back.
To the one thing I couldn't get over.
To the one thing I felt beating inside me.
To prove I could do it well.
To prove something to others.
To prove I had what it takes.

The nerves, the worry, the struggle, the time, the effort.
Would I do it again?
Yes, I probably would.
Sometimes the memories come back to me in the middle of the night.
I can't sleep. I'm back in L.A.
I'm seeing those people.
Reliving those moments, events, times I didn't succeed.
Not healthy, but there you are.

We live with the things that bother us the most.
The others we put aside.
So I try again.
Maybe this time the mistakes won't be so frequent.
Maybe this time I'll prove I can.
Maybe…
It's a crap shoot one agent said.
Yes, it certainly was/is/will be.

It may begin as a child.
It may begin as a young person.
It might surface in old age.
But if it's in you sooner or later it will come.
That need to get out there.
In the lights, in front of the camera.
To say it, do it, be it.
To be or not.

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