It's been another one of those years, I think to myself as I walk into the grocery store on New Year's Eve. Not just another one of those years in the pandemic limbo of when-is-this-plague-gonna-end-and-when-can-I-just-say-fuck-it-Covid-take-me-now hell that we're all sick of enduring. I mean another year since I last had sex.
I really don't care to recall the last time I got laid, but I can tell you it's been too long.
How long is too long?
Too long is when you turn that question into a sexual reference and giggle like a prepubescent that doesn't have any clue what sex really is but hey who am I to judge, neither do I these days.
Too long is when you wander into the produce section to grab a few things for tonight's quiet dinner with friends only to be visually assaulted by carrots and Japanese eggplants and jesus god no, not the zucchinis...
Look away. LOOK AWAY!
Look at something else.
Oh for fuck's sake.
As I turn away from the fungal ha-ha-you're-not-fornicating brigade a message comes through from my friend in Germany:
Wearing red panties on New Years is supposed to make you get lucky!
I contemplate which end of the laundry spectrum my red panties are currently on while I wait in the checkout line.
I leave the store with my dignity and a few other items, none of which are from the produce department.
It's still early in the day. Plenty of time to go for a soberingly frigid walk with the dog.
Cold air does me good, gets my mind off the things I don't have and am not having.
obligatory corvid photo
The sun sets, taking with it the illusion of warmth that had convinced me not to put thermals on under my jeans.
It's cold. Wicked cold. It's glad-I-don't-have-testicles-but-you-wouldn't-be-able-to-tell-if-I-did-it's-that-cold cold.
This perverse level of cold does sadistic things to my bladder and I suddenly find myself swept into a sense of unsexual urgency pertaining to my parts (yes, unsexual, not my kink, swipe left).
Home and my toilet are a couple miles away.
Uphill.
Run.
Run in winter boots while carrying a little dog.
I grunt and moan and pant and cry. I explore different ways to position my pelvis to reduce the pressure on my bladder, a stark contrast to the pelvic positionings imagined during my hot and bothered shopping trip. I side-eye the hedges surrounding churches. Contemplate pulling down my pants and sitting my ass down on a frozen curb. It's still light out, though. Could get caught. Don't want to spend New Year's Eve in jail. Don't want that kind of sex.
Just a few more blocks.
I can make it.
Hurry.
I pass the bushes outside the school where those old homeless dudes take their shits.
Pass the busted porta-potty in the park.
One more block.
I grit my teeth.
Sprint.
Apartment complex door. Key.
Come on!!!! Open!!!!
Stairs.
Unleash the dog.
Fly!
I get to my studio apartment.
Get the key in the door.
Turn it.
Open the door and proceed to piss my pants.
👖💛👖💛👖💛👖💛👖💛👖💛👖💛👖💛👖💛👖💛👖
Tips on Pissing your Pants:
When the dam breaks, there's no time to make sure the dog gets into the apartment and the cat doesn't get out. Hell, there's not even time to pull down your pants. What's the point? It would only mean a bigger mess. You just leave the front door wide open and run to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet and finish the job and marvel at how the urine still makes that delightful tinkling sound as it streams into the toilet bowl through two layers of clothing.
🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽💛🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽
What's done is done.
I thank the good lord I had the twisted foresight not wear those thermals as I kick off my muddy boots and peel off my piss-soaked pants and underwear. I fling them into the bathtub.
In waist-length winter coat and nothing else I rush to retrieve my confused and probably traumatized dog from where he lingers in the hallway outside the apartment, making sure to slip on some mud I'd tracked onto the slick wood floor. The slip sends me lunging toward the startled dog, who dashes down the hallway so that I have to chase him, butt-naked (in the most precise definition of the term), down the hall while praying that none of the holiday passersby are gaping through the building windows at my glistening frostbitten ass.
Thankfully the dog turns and runs inside.
I run in after him and close the door. Hurry across the room. I think I feel a droplet of piss running down my ankle but I am more concerned with closing the blinds before the neighbors on the balcony see me in full winter bush.
I am spared one smidgen of luck, as my frantic and erratic behaviors cause my cat to scrambleskid under the bed instead of making a break for the great beyond. With everyone safe, I tear off the rest of my clothing and drag my now-dead dignity into the shower with me and my pisspants and wash everything off but the shame.
Then I get out and dry off. I pretty myself up and put on red panties.
why the hell not
👙👉👌👉👌👉👌👉👌👉👌👉👌👉👌👉👌👙
In addition to assurance that nobody will ever want to have sex with me from here on out, this post is my official entry to the Comedy Open Mic Contest. I nominate @ewkaw and @nikv to participate because they've made me laugh before and I have faith that they can make you laugh as well.
And if you think you're so funny, you should enter, too. Use the link above to figure out how.
Help my monetize my YouTube Channel! (please.)
give me free likes on instagram: @se_pdx_crows
Like my Art in NFT Showroom but don't buy it
All the stuff (pictures, words, utterly humiliating personal stories that nobody in their right mind would share, etc.) I put in this post and any of my other posts is mine (unless otherwise stated) and can't be used by anyone else unless me and these little fuckers say it's ok.
10% of this post's rewards goes back to support the community.
As a fellow pants-pisser I can feel your pain. My instance of denim soaking urine shame happened when very drunk, but very similar to your situation. I literally reached the door to my apartment, having held it back for a good 5 minute walk up the hill from the pub... but unfortunately on a main road, and as a male it is easier for us to try for surreptitious public urination without getting in trouble... but I thought just walking down the main road with junk in hand pissing into oncoming traffic might be pushing it. So I held it... all the way until I was focusing and failing on getting my key into the keyhole of my apartment, lock swaying back and forth, when after all that straining and holding the flood gates opened just as I got the key into the lock.
Part of my bladders overfilled load ended up on the carpet of the hallway outside my apartment, much was caught by my jeans (thank god) and the other half managed to make it to the toilet. Fckn epic fail.
I love your story though; it made me lol more than once. Particularly the traumatising of pet dog and cat added to the comedy of the whole episode… but I just want to say… there is no shame… many other people have pissed themselves, and many will in the future. Now all we need is a self-help group counselling session 😂
Stands up from his chair“My name is raj808, and yes… I have pissed my pants.”
A true window to the soul. I am sure @corvidae appreciates the company lol.
I will also take the chance to say that I have actually shat my pants in the past years.... Okay, the past few days... Okay, this morning. More than once.
Where'd everyone go?
Guys
Guys
Guys?
I once shat my pants in my boyfriend's mom's car while she was driving and he was in the front seat. I had to finish the job at a grocery store and then go next door to a department store to purchase one single pair of replacement underwear. They weren't red.
I think I'm slightly in love with you.
---sets down carrot---
"Really?"
And with that a whole new meaning to fucking like rabbits was born.
Ouch?!?!?!
And I thought I was the only person on hive with a serious IBS/SIBO/dunnowhatthefcktocallit problem.
All I'm saying is... shitting myself, I've nearly reached those pinnacles of self-defecation 😂
LOL! I imagine the fail is considerably more epic when you've got a loose fire hose whippin' around in there.
I'll go to your self-help group counseling session if we can mic it up without the other members' knowledge or consent.
Oh of course... concealed microphones as standard. There would be years of material for comedy open mics and just general stand up material.
The name of the stand-up comedy show:
‘A guide for those with a prominence of commonplace incontinence.’
Sounds good. Should we make a go-fund-me for the startup costs? Or just get an old iphone and cut a hole in a box of tissue and charge for
admissionattendance?Sometimes it pays to turn around and go back where you came from 🤣
I don't know why, but the way it is written has such a walk of shame feel to it lol.
This is a pure comedy set!
Mel Brooks once said, "Tragedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die”. And you have fallen into the deepest piss-filled sewer.
I can relate to the first half. Whenever, I am horny, which is always, all I see is that. I believe that laughter over sex jokes is just us crying over ourselves but we're so horny the brain is just messed up and interpret it in a different way.
Thank you for an amazing entry.
LOL!!! All of this. And thank you for quoting Mel Brooks. My people.
I'm still alive down here in this sewer, by the way. Waiting it out to see if I win. If I don't, then I'll die. Then it will be even funnier and you'll regret not giving me that prize money.
p.s. thanks for the hive!!
I am just expressing gratefulness that you're all taking a chance and posting on this community when you can make more posting elsewhere. I am honestly surprised and grateful you're all participating and with great content. So a lone Hive/HBD is just me attempting to compensate for 10 more you would have made elsewhere lol!
Well thank you!! I appreciate it. I've come to learn, however, that for someone as young on Hive as I am, it's really hit or miss whether anything I post gets much reach. I'm super grateful for the people who make the bots vote on my stuff, it helps, but sometimes I'll put tons of time into a post and it gets maybe 10 hits, other times I throw up a few pretty crow photos with a couple funny lines and it gets double curated and juicy rewards and brings me a couple new followers. You never know what people will like, so you just gotta enjoy doing what you're doing. And I am. It's fun here.
I'm in the same place :) So I just post what I enjoy doing
Same here. I do appreciate every lousy penny, ummm worthy Hive, but without engagement numbers are just numbers. And when it comes to taking chances, dear Mr. Awesome, where else taking a chance then here? For mysterious reasons it seems that a long time ago a COMmunity formed, died laughing and came back like Jesus on easter. Who wouldn't wanna miss that spectacle?
That's really my ultimate goal in this community. I am trying to create a community just for laughter and people to have a good time in. So, I am glad you're enjoying being here.
I like that goal :) ... I think I'll do a post soon!
I assumed it to be a tale to tell.kind of stuff...but your last pic let me belive it actually happened.....😃😃😃 ...awesome way to relive thr pressure and also make it funny enough to get some $ out of the pee...😉
LOL yes, if I'm gonna piss my pants, I better piss gold!💛
Thanks for stopping by. :)
Hahaha Oh girl... I don't think I can beat that! 🤣🤣
I am trying to remember if it happened to me... probably did. But I blocked it from my memory 🤣
LOL it only really counts if you do it as an "adult."
Not included in my story was how that same friend who advised me about the red panties messaged me later saying "Happy New Year! You're looking younger every year! Younger every year!"
I messaged her back saying "I just pissed my pants! How young does that make me look, three??"
Nop.. can't recall. My adult me
will never admit it not in a million yearshas no memory of such thing...Haha 🤣 In this young age it is illegal to get laid🤣
LOL!
Oh my freaking god, this was absolute brilliant. There's no way I will respond by telling you my own carrot and zucchini (and tap, I see what you did there) stories as that would be embarrassing. I know this feeling oh so well.
Now, there's no way I would talk about these kind of things on HIVE because that would be ... um... embarrassing, but I have to match your wee story with a poo story, only from the other day. Nothing awful or anything, but I had the most amazing poo! I felt euphoric and sooo relaxed. It had to be a thing, right? But how do you google it? Poo gasm? Anyway, I found out there was such a thing called POOPHORIA! LIKE EUPHORIA, BUT WITH POO!
I shit you not.
Sorry!
But it affects your vagus nerve which can help you relax... aaaah. I mean, I don't always have such amazing poo experiences, but at that moment in time, it was better than sex with a carrot!
In massage school I had to memorize the ten cranial nerves, and one of the pneumonic devices I used to help me remember where they were and what they did was "vagus rhymes with anus" (I didn't come up with that but of course I would remember it). I've read studies that hypothesize that some hallucinogens affect the vagus nerve, and that's why you trip out, feel euphoric, and sometimes shitpiss your pants. Well, they didn't say shitpiss your pants. I figured that part on my own.
Poogasm sounds fantastic! Option two, if the panties don't start working...
Ahaha I never needed a mnemonic for vagus, but love that some people are going around mantra'ising that! That's brilliant.
Ahhhh you can keep poogasm for free!
Hehe, this reminds me of the time I finally understood why traditionally, men wear trousers and women dresses: you can piss in public without mooning everyone. I once mooned the rush hour traffic and didn't care because when you gotta go....
Thanks for the tag but unfortunately I'm busy dealing with multiple crises and feel anything other than funny right now. Hopefully when this passes
I hope your crises resolve quickly and your funny comes back soon.
Thanks for sharing your moon story!
Thank you!
Well I guess the next logical step is to accidentally shit your pants for your next COM entry. Nice work here, look forward to the next one!
!PIZZA
Thanks! You realize, of course, that the next time I accidentally shit my pants on purpose, you'll be the first person I think of.
Thanks for the pizza. If it's the glutenous kind, that should hurry things up a bit.
What an honor, I feel so humbled. And I'm pretty sure it was a gluten lovers pizza.
!💩
Admittedly you weren't the first person I thought of when it happened, but I did think of you eventually.
Hope you're doing well.
I died of laughter reading that story you wrote about shit. Thanks. Hell is way better than Earth.
LOL! Snowbird.
You had me laugh so hard, you have no idea! I almost peed myself. 😂 Thx!
Almost???
I win!
Yessssss, another pants pisser in the making.
This post has been manually curated by @steemflow from Indiaunited community. Join us on our Discord Server.
Do you know that you can earn a passive income by delegating to @indiaunited. We share 100 % of the curation rewards with the delegators.
Here are some handy links for delegations: 100HP, 250HP, 500HP, 1000HP.
Read our latest announcement post to get more information.
Please contribute to the community by upvoting this comment and posts made by @indiaunited.
Thanks so much @indiaunited!
Well at least it was just mud.
So which side of the spectrum did you find them dusty things on? ;D
I'm glad we got COM back cuz missing this one would've sucked.
💖
IKR! I just went back to read it again lol!
Seriously tho, thank you for helping me with this. I really believe this could go somewhere.
even if it ends up in the toilet, that's still funny, right?
My pleasure. Thanks, you.
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
They were clean when I put them on, but I don't know about now. I've been wearing them this whole time but still nothing...
awww, thanks!
💛
I bet if you told the next dude you see in the flesh the same thing you told me, your ending will be happy.
depends on how much I like his flesh...
PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
@brandt(3/5) tipped @corvidae (x1)
Learn more at https://hive.pizza.
thanks guys!
🤣🤣🤣 I so would have stopped at the broken porta potty! That was some New Year's Eve party you had 😂
It was quite the party!
Broken porta partty was the kind that doesn't shut and has an old comforter shoved into the hole and no toilet paper... not an option.
What a way to treat a comforter! Take it out and use it for a "door" 😂
LOL mmmmmmm nice piss-n-shit scented door! Hellooooooo e-coli!
🤣 hey, at least you would have been relieved 😂