Welcome one and all to the first edition of...
Rubidos- Taller than tall Tales
A series of Lose your own adventure books for all ages.
Allow me to set the scene, You are a Middle aged man with a well paid job in the city. After your girlfriend had an epiphany and Identified as a Toaster, She has left you for a Dwarf That identifies as a slice of bread.
You simply cannot compete with his outfit and penchant for butter.
You have decided to make a Life changing decision and leave the Rat Race for Good. Scouring your local classified ads you discover an opportunity in a small farming community.
You decide it is high time and pack your bags.
Destination- Flatulence Fort, Florida
Random Flamingo Picture, 'Cause its Florida...
Your journey begins in a dimly lit room. You have only just completed on your first home purchase, an old 2 story cabin filled to the brim with musty old furniture and more cobwebs and dust than should rightfully exist in a single home.
It was purchased unseen, it was such an incredible bargain you bought it without even requesting a single photo.
Legend has it that in the years before you acquired the cabin the previous owner was found dead outside. Due to some kind of equipment malfunction, It seems to have been some sort of farming accident.
From the newspaper clippings you managed to scrape together and from speaking to your nearest neighbours, they paint a picture of an odd and colourful man.
Apparently his body was discovered attached to a Udderly Fantastic Milker 5000. He died with a smile on his face and it was apparently quick, so you believe his death was not too painful.
As you idly shuffle through dusty papers on the desk you come across a sealed envelope, marked only as Please Open.
Holding it up to the grimy windows you begin to read-
dusty...
Dear Reader,
If you are reading this letter I am sadly deceased, no more, pushing up daisies, Six feet under, in search of greener pastures, most indisputably and undeniably Dead.
In other words I have kicked the shit in what I hope is a spectacular and humiliating way, and am even as you read this letter, I am hopefully being immortalised in some form of meme.
I have left you dear reader, the unenviable task of sorting out my affairs.
I leave to you my entire estate on the following provisions.
I require these following conditions to be met.
- My collection of lightly used Antique Dildos is to be donated to a good home.
- Please do not waste my weed, Smoke My stash.
- Contact all of the names in the attached book and inform these people I am their father.
- One week after completing the above, Contact them all with A simple letter reading only- 'Psyche'
- Unchain The Gimp if he's still alive
- If the previous was not possible, bury discreetly.
- Burn down the building, listed on the attached piece of paper. Do not enter, Just Burn the evidence.
- Send Noods
As an additional request please contact Shady Pete at-
Snips - Discount Gender Reassignment and Liquor Store
Simply request that he cancels my subscription. He'll get the message.
Forward this message to 10 people for good luck.
Once all of the above tasks have been completed you will be rewarded the entirety of my estate and all of my assets.
An Inventory of everything that I have is stored on a cigarette paper locked up at The Local YMCA. As long as it hasn't been cross contaminated It should give complete access to all of my worldly goods and the location of them.
Best of luck and once again Thank you for undertaking my Last Request.
In a state of shock you look around the room and notice a door partially covered by a large painting of Freddie Mercury, riding a pink hippopotamus.
Sadly Not like a cowboy rides a horse, but rather as was fashionable at the time in the Reverse Cowgirl style.
With a sense of impending dread you move the painting to the side and prepare to open the door.
You are greeted with the unmistakable scent of rot and decay with an odd undercurrent of Axe body spray. Ahead of you is a flight of stairs.
As you descend the stairs you notice a shovel and pickaxe handily leaned against the wall next to a few jerrycans. Against the far wall is a skeleton tied to the wall with perished leather straps, with a small rubber ball between its teeth.
In the corner is a large plastic Tupperware containing a green herb and some rolling papers next to a lighter and pipe.
You skin up and light one for courage staring at the compacted dirt floor.
After a moments hesitation you begin to dig with the pickaxe. Its going to be a long night.
After a week of being completely off your tits high, and a number of what you can only mentally class as sidequests you have achieved the list you found.
You have donated a mysterious box to the Convent of Wailing nuns nearby. Strangely they haven't been seen since, but their prayers can be heard behind their tightly locked gates.
You have mailed hundreds of letters, Committed arson, Arranged a meeting with Snips (Which you are trying very hard to forget).
Now standing in front of the YMCA locker you hesitantly open it, inside you find the promised cigarette paper and a stiff and slightly sticky sock containing a small stack of 100 dollar bills.
Reading the paper in disbelief it simply states, Third floorboard, back left wall, master bedroom.
Returning home you search the Master bedroom, Under the floorboard mentioned in the note is another wodge of cash in another sticky sock and a pot of industrial tractor grease.
On top is a page from the instruction manual for the Udderly Fantastic Milker 5000 and a small note simply reading-
Grease well, Setting 4, Power 2.
Laughing with a slightly manic glint in your eye, you head towards the barn clutching the tractor grease and the remnants of the Tupperware's contents.
Leaving behind you, next to the lifted floorboards A slightly sticky stack of Cash on the floor.
It is once again, going to be a long Night.
THE END
It's safe to come out now...
Thank you for purchasing this book. A small portion of every book sale will go to the charitable organisations Below.
Over-Milked - Supplying prosthetics, Bereavement benefits and counselling to the Victims of Dairy equipment accidents Across The USA.
All Photos taken on Various Chineseum Phones, The Book cover was made using A Mock Up Service I pay for Called Place it and edited in GIMP.
Good lawdy lawd! What a story. No excessive flesh burns due to that grease. What I want to know is......the stickiness of the sock and cash, is that crunchy sticky or gooey sticky?
So good to see you back! Totally hilarious post, just awesome.
Thanks its good to be making time to type random shit.
The cash was of course on the slightly crunchy side, Like when you can lean a bedsheet against the wall and it only dips a bit crunchy.
Looking forward to seeing more random shite 😁
LOL, I suspected crunchy but leaning a bedsheet against the wall.....that's a whole other visual.
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wow! wow! just wow! This is simply the best thing I have read in a while, at first, I never wanted to read it cause it was lengthy but I had to because the topic is catchy and when I started, it was as if I was the one performing those tasks.
Quite an interesting one you got here dear friend. It is really great of you to put such a wonderful piece together and make it make sense.
Do have a blessed day dear friend, thanks for sharing this with us I am hoping to read more from you dear friend.
Following you asap
Cheers always happy to provide something worth reading. Have a great day!
You suck at boring me! Each and everytime I am being entertain...Please stop!!!
I will work harder next time to be boring ! #Goals
A masterpiece...
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