This is not to deny that many women maintain positive, cooperative relationships with their fathers and even revere them as masculine centres; rather, beneath that surface of forgiveness an often-unhealed spiritual wound frequently persists and quietly — and sometimes loudly — shapes every romantic attempt
That father may still be defended and respected, even loved, despite the real damage done to her capacity to navigate her particular brand of trauma and how that trauma informs perceptions, preferences, requirements, coping strategies, dysfunctions and proclivities
Regardless of maintained appearances, father wounds are more typical than exceptional among women — most require refathering as adults to address buried developmental needs so they can fully come into themselves, whether consciously aware of this or not.
It is easier to find a woman who carried some form of parentification, neglect, deprivation or spoiling than one raised so perfectly that no such scars remain. That observation may feel uncomfortable, but it is often accurate
When seeking a partner, a woman looks not only for the qualities she admired in her father but also for the qualities he lacked and that she still needs.
She did not choose her birth father but does choose a husband — functionally, in terms of intergender dynamics (with erotic attraction acting as an amplifier), the roles are comparable.
A partner who appears likely to be a good father to future children is often seen as capable of fathering her emotionally as well, and the way he refathers her signals whether he would be a good father to them
A man who withholds that containment effectively leaves the unresolved bill for another man, repeating the cycle; conversely, doing this well for a partner and then for one’s own daughters helps prevent perpetuation of the same wounds
Without that corrective emotional experience, parental wounds are carried into the relationship and the adaptations learned to cope with a father are replayed with a lover, often to disastrous effect
This is not to deny that many women maintain positive, cooperative relationships with their fathers and even revere them as masculine centres; rather, beneath that surface of forgiveness an often-unhealed spiritual wound frequently persists and quietly — and sometimes loudly — shapes every romantic attempt
Any man a woman entertains romantically will effectively inherit the unpaid bill left by her father’s chosen methods and shortcomings in raising her.
That father may still be defended and respected, even loved, despite the real damage done to her capacity to navigate her particular brand of trauma and how that trauma informs perceptions, preferences, requirements, coping strategies, dysfunctions and proclivities
Regardless of maintained appearances, father wounds are more typical than exceptional among women — most require refathering as adults to address buried developmental needs so they can fully come into themselves, whether consciously aware of this or not.
It is easier to find a woman who carried some form of parentification, neglect, deprivation or spoiling than one raised so perfectly that no such scars remain. That observation may feel uncomfortable, but it is often accurate
When seeking a partner, a woman looks not only for the qualities she admired in her father but also for the qualities he lacked and that she still needs.
The search is for an idealised, refined version of him; a man who embodies that ideal can become the love of her life.
She did not choose her birth father but does choose a husband — functionally, in terms of intergender dynamics (with erotic attraction acting as an amplifier), the roles are comparable.
A partner who appears likely to be a good father to future children is often seen as capable of fathering her emotionally as well, and the way he refathers her signals whether he would be a good father to them
In psychodynamic terms, a wife can function like a first child for a man: she is emotionally contained and given what she requires.
A man who withholds that containment effectively leaves the unresolved bill for another man, repeating the cycle; conversely, doing this well for a partner and then for one’s own daughters helps prevent perpetuation of the same wounds
It is rarely polite for a woman to declare “I want my husband to refather me,” yet that is frequently what deep, lasting love entails.
Without that corrective emotional experience, parental wounds are carried into the relationship and the adaptations learned to cope with a father are replayed with a lover, often to disastrous effect