I hear you, it's hard to participate in life when you feel like the end may be coming. I've been that way too at times. I'm forcing myself to socialize more even if I don't want to, and it does help to keep my mind off of the problems. Pain is a tough thing to beat, with the arthritis I have from the COVID vaccine it hurts pretty much anytime I move even with pain killer. On bad days I try not to do too much! The situation just plain sucks...
At least having Hive to express yourself is healthy. I've been piling up HSBI shares and at time I question why since I may not be around. But it helps me look at things more positively I suppose. In the end all we can do is move forward the best we can. It's tough not having family support, but you do have friends. I don't like drop by visits from church people that much so I get you there completely!
5 months ago, I just moved into my new rented apartment, elated about life and elated about prospects, then suddenly things happened, lost my brother and all that diagnosis. It still feel unreal because I can't believe everything was good 5 months ago. I think that's where the pain lies. Not knowing how things can just change in 5 months.
It's not like I don't want to be participative. I just feel I can't, really. I do not see the endgame, or maybe it's generally not having the right people (used to think I did) or maybe just one loss and you truly feel the sting of being the only one.
However, in all my fright, I'm still hopeful.
I've changed the course of my life, accepting a new challenge, choosing heavenly, and God-like way of life, I find peace in it.
Funny how your view on life can change so quickly. I was the same, one day I was fine and the next I was living on borrowed time... Finding peace with it is important, but hopefully you have a lot longer run ahead of you. You never know!