I've always believed that, beyond everything, loss can change a person more subtly and intensely than anything else. It's a realisation and then an emptiness that can no longer be filled. A void that has to be left alone because nothing you can do can fill it up.
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I've never been opportune to lose a loved one yet. My first rodeo with losing a person from death had to be my friend who died in December 2021. We had grown apart for a few years but I still remember the intense pain I felt.
I remember her on special days like her birthday (because it's 2 days before mine), our mutual friend's birthday and wedding day, and of course that fateful day on December 27th when I woke up to the call that she had died.
I remember how I screamed. The worry on my mother's and sibling's faces when they rushed into my room to ask what happened, and the understanding that came after I told them.
I remember the shock, the immediate chill and the intense fear. I had just seen a cute video of hers the previous night. I thought about reaching out to her and just knowing how she had been. I should have done that but I didn't and then I couldn't do that anymore.
I've never been the friendliest person. I guess up until that moment, I never fully realised that someone I knew could die. It never just occurred to me that it was possible so I ignored every urge I felt to say Hi to people when they crossed my mind.
Rhoda and I didn't have a fallout, we simply grew apart. She wouldn't have seen my call and ignored me, we would have had a moment to catch up and have a laugh or two.
That singular event changed a part of me. It made me realise that no matter how indifferent I might seem, everyone I've met and truly loved even briefly, holds a piece of my heart and I should never take that for granted.
I've found myself in recent times reaching out to people when they appear in my dreams or when their names cross my mind. I've most likely looked stupid while doing it too. Some say it's life and it's okay to move on and let go, and I get it.
It's okay to outgrow people but I would hate to have a chance to hear a person's voice one last time, and miss it, simply because "that's how life is". Like the moments that go by when I think about Rhoda, that moment will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Another aspect of loss that changed me was the loss of a partner. He didn't die but he left me in the harshest way possible. Some people go through hurt and don't learn from it, but I wear my lessons on my shoulder like a badge.
This change, however, might not have been the best and might seem a little contradictory with the previous but I guess they cancel out in some way.
Losing my partner of 4 years was a pain I never thought I would be able to survive at that point. Having someone whom I was sure would be a part of my future cut me off abruptly because he found someone better than me. I was shattered beyond repair.
I tried to move on quickly by immediately going on dates but the sample size was so small and the men were horrible so I wore my pain as a shield and avoided men until I decided to no longer attain any form of seriousness and simply have brief unemotional attachments.
I knew I had issues when I finally got into a relationship with a guy who was absolutely crazy about me but in my defence, he had many corresponding flaws. When I ended things with him and he cried bloody murder to my face, I felt nothing.
I learnt to let go. Eventually, I learnt to let go regardless of how I felt. I could want something to work out but still, be willing to let go quietly if it doesn't want me with equal ferocity. Life always goes on.
However, I never leave on a bad note. I maintain communication with the people who hurt me and the people I hurt. We can't always get what we want from life and that's completely alright.
These two lessons are the same, more or less. Loss, in whatever form it comes, leaves a lasting mark. It's always up to us to decide how this new void will play out for us moving forward.
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
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