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When I was four and a half my brother was born in the flat above our secondhand book shop while I peered through the keyhole of my mother's bedroom, terrified by the screaming and wailing emanating from within.
Perhaps I was too young to connect the two events, but when hours later I was introduced to the new baby, lying resplendent in a dog basket kindly donated by one neighbour, atop a shiny yellow quilt donated by another, the old baby, me, promptly slapped him hard on the face which earned me a good hiding.
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At seven years old I was already tasked with taking the baby to creche a bus ride away, before getting myself to school. My parents divided their time between work and the pub so we were latchkey kids who fed and looked after ourselves until they rolled home.
It was to me that my brother ran with his problems, me who visited him in the hospital every day when he had appendicitis, me who 'stood for' him when he made his confirmation and my parents refused to go to the church. By the time I was a teenager, I felt like I’d already raised a child. If you can exhaust maternal feelings, I think mine had well and truly run out.
Perhaps it was this, perhaps it was my dislike of doctors and being prodded and poked, or, considering my two siblings are also childless, perhaps it was that our childhood experience killed any belief in happy families.
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I've been in a few lengthy relationships so the possibility to have children was there, but somehow the urge never was. Children mean forward planning and I've not done much of that in my life; rather I've tended to blow with the wind and see where fortune takes me. Considering the many twists and turns my life has taken, I think I’d’ve produced some seriously disturbed offspring.
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Posted in response to @galenkp's weekend experience challenge to explain why you don't / didn't want children.
The images are my own.
Ha, yes, I think that was one of the reasons not to have a second child. Somehow my boy managed okay and didn't grow up with too many hangups, but I didn't think the second child would fare as well.
But you never know. I think I was a better Mum than I believe.
I can totally understand why the maternal instinct was quashed in you! Sounds like you hard a hard time coming up.
I have only admiration for those who choose to take on parenthood. Those who do it more than once I regard with bafflement:)
If you managed to raise a child without too many hangups, you can safely say you've done a good job.
Cheers for the comment.
I know right! What about those that have SIX! Mental!
That must have been thoroughly hectic since you were already made to see how strenuous it was with almost no joys surrounding the experience.
But your story reaches deep into my heart and somehow I know that you'll make a finer parent than you could have ever thought. So glad that you could share such heartfelt experiences with us.
I'm sure there were joys but they've been lost somehow in a sea of discord.
Thanks for your comment.
Whenever I see a young, pregnant woman, I say to myself "you have no idea what you are getting into." Raising children to happiness, yours and theirs, is a fucking crap shoot.
At least you say it only to yourself!:)
I think childhood experiences can have a great influence on one's desire to have children. I see that in the eldest of my many sisters who was unfortunate enough to be raised by a strict step-father who, as biology dictates, didn't put in much effort to raise someone else's progeny. She is a caring person, but I think her unhappy childhood led to this feeling that children are a burden.
Interesting! That was a part of my own reluctance. It felt like reshouldering a burden I had managed to throw off.
How many sisters is 'many sisters'?
Took me a while to count :)) That would be 5 sisters and 1 brother... most of them half-siblings. The only real sister I had died many years ago.
Goodness! Your family sounds even more complicated than mine.
I think witnessing your mom's distress at that age would definitely have that kind of effect on one's psyche. That was rather irresponsible of them I would say.
Considering you practically had to raise a kid while you were a kid yourself, I can understand why you weren't maternally inclined. It's not the job of a kid and should never have been your responsibility.
My parents were a hapless pair, but they didn't plan parenthood. We were accidents, as they never tired of telling us. On the positive side, it helped to mould me into the responsible, well-rounded individual I am today:)
I imagine that because of everything you went through and taking on responsibilities that did not correspond to you, your instinct to have children was extinguished. But it's never too late. Greetings
While I like to believe the impossible, I'm as close to 100 years old as I am to 20:)
😁
There are so many reasons not to have children. If it were not for the biological imperative and poor impulse control, how many children would there be?
I won't talk about my kids, because they are not hypothetical. They're real. I will say that whatever our deficits are, the kids pay in the long run. And, I have seen good parents, but very few perfect parents. I guess it's the way of the world, and the world does go on (but what a mess it is).
I think you are wise. Raise chickens and save animals. No regrets on that front. You'll sleep better at night.
A very frank, honest essay, as always.
I've definitely found my calling. I think it's the most gratifying thing I've ever done.
As to parents, I had a real chip on my shoulder about mine when I was a teenager but in later years I did come to understand them.
Lucky chickens :)
Lucky you! Anger is toxic.
I'm on holidays with my two at the moment and I'm currently thinking you took the right path by not owning your own little human. The heat is making them crazy .
Are you sure it's the heat sweetie?
Makes total sense/
I agree wholeheartedly and many thanks for your comment.
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Very true. I don't think I ever felt grown up enough to undertake such a task:)
Thanks for your comment.