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I didn’t have the best of parents, but in some ways they weren’t the worst either. For one thing, they never hit us. My mother did attack me twice, though she managed to catch me only once, smashing my head against the piano my well-to-do uncle had bought from the local convent and somehow installed in the bedroom of our fourth-floor council flat. How he managed to get it up there, neither my siblings nor I can remember; still, my uncle was an exceedingly pious man who once entered a seminary with the intention of taking holy orders, so it may well have been a miracle.
Nor did my parents punish us or try to control us—perhaps because we were model children, though more likely because they simply didn’t care. "Do what you like," my father would say, "so long as you don’t get caught," and, in the absence of parental supervision, that was pretty much what we did. The only times I can ever remember him reprimanding me were for bad grammar, excessive wordiness or tautology.
As a child, I never took kindly to being told what to do, so this arrangement suited me just fine. Even so, there were times when I envied children whose parents called them in from play, hugged them, or showed them affection. Mine never did.
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To me, the hallmarks of bad parenting are violence and excessive control. My own experience was largely one of neglect, while my best friend experienced the opposite. Her parents were loving but gave her almost no freedom, and she became pregnant at the age of sixteen. One example proves nothing, of course, but it makes me think that children fare best somewhere between those two extremes.
As for whether children can rise above the effects of bad parenting, I think that the state of utter perfection I have somehow managed to attain, is proof positive that they can.
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Posted in response to Galenkp's Weekend experiences asking "What do you feel constitutes bad parenting and why? Does bad parenting effect the child's life moving forward or can they rise above it?"
I had a mate who was allowed to do everything from a young age - she could even do drugs at home (she lived downstairs in her own 'apartment' on the property) and go out from about 14 to clubs. I had the opposite - I wasn't allowed to do any of that and consequently snuck out at 16 to do such things, and got caught, and felt terrible because they were so disappointed in me (longer story than that, and I still wish I hadn't, given what happened, but I dont want to tell that story). I didn't envy my friend her freedom that much - in fact I appreciated that my parents loved me and wanted to protect me. I had lots of freedom to go surfing and ride horses and we went on bushwalks with the family or little holidays away camping or up to Melbourne which she didn't get. I know what I remember most fondly - time with my parents. They were good people and fun to hang out with. I don't think a 'middle ground' would have been applicable for me - I don't think kids should be allowed out to smoke bongs and lose their virginity to boys at 12, or whatever the 'freedom' may be. Sometimes parents do know best. And some are just not very good parents - but then, they are but human on a human journey, something we often don't realise til we are fully formed humans ourselves.
I think that when children are bound too tightly, they're more likely to rebel and go looking for trouble. We, on the other hand, had the freedom to do pretty much as we pleased and rarely got into any.
Living with my parents' chaos meant we were always wondering what would happen next. Would we still have electricity? Had they paid the rent, or would we have to do a moonlight flit to avoid the landlord? Would my mother's latest black eye prompt the neighbours to call social services?
I resented my parents for a long time, but, as you say, the older I got, the more I realised they were only human and every bit as confused as I was.
So, I'll confess now that when I see you've posted a blog, I sit down with relish and prepare to be entertained. You never disappoint.
You and I have many things in common (and many not in common😄), but this is one trait we share. I had a wonderful mother--truly a saint--but we clashed. I remember one ferocious (that is, filled with emotion, never violence) argument we had. My dear mother never expected us to share her heavy workload. She did, however, want us to learn responsibility. Consequently, she assigned washing the kitchen floor to two of us--split it down the middle and we each do half. I promptly sat down with a bucket to do my assignment.
"You have to kneel," my mother instructed.
Apparently, there is a right way to wash the kitchen floor. Getting it clean wasn't enough. Getting it clean with the proper behavior was necessary. Oh how I chafed at that. How I fought. She won, but it was Pyrrhic victory. The floor argument became the template for our relationship going forward: Give me a reasonable explanation for a command, or leave me alone :)
Exactly! I had terrible trouble in school with the teachers giving me the 'because I said so' line when I balked at obeying senseless instructions. Was there ever a row between you and your sibling over where exactly the middle of the kitchen floor was ?
I'm delighted to be entertaining:) I'm sure my father would be proud of me. One of his lines was 'be anything but a bore'
An interesting question. Gives me pause. Come to think of it, after my two brothers were taken from us (one because he was a paraplegic and the other because he nearly died), we didn't argue much. We had a siege mentality, I think. We lived with impending crises all the time. My mother was not well either (I never mention this--the melodramatic is tedious). She was partially deaf because of chronic mastoiditis, and also had what would eventually be diagnosed as COPD--bad lungs. It's as though we were on precipice. Nobody argued about little things in that environment. We clung together for survival. Only I chafed against her rules, which I sometimes saw as unreasonable. On the whole, I didn't have a stormy adolescence. I agreed with her values (where to go, what to do when I did go) for the most part. It was just the little things.
Isn't this a rough paraphrase of Oscar Wilde? If not exact, surely the phrase captures Wilde's sentiment.
Never fear, dear @deirdyweirdy. Your father would be well pleased in you :)
You certainly learned these lessons very well! I can not remember a single unnecessary word, misplaced comma, or miscontrued thought in your posts.
I was a lax mother, much to the dismay of some of my friends. I never restricted, for example, how much of their Halloween candy they could eat at one sitting. They'd eat too much once and only once. They quickly lost interest in the their candy, and it languished in a closet somewhere until I finally threw it out. But one of the more judgemental and controlling of my parenting friends would limit their kids' intakes to a single Skittle at a time. Those kids would take all that was left of our candy and hide it at their own homes, to gorge on whenever their parents were not looking. They still eat tons of sweets! Whereas my kids hardly eat any.
I love your stories, you know I do.
That's my thinking in a nutshell. Children will always want what's forbidden. Because we could stay out as late as we wanted, we didn't want to stay out late and because nobody put us to bed, we always went at a reasonable time.
Such a beautiful, honest piece of writing again, my lovely @deirdyweirdy. You wrapped everything up in just a few words, yet it felt like a whole big story was playing out in my mind.
You must have run away many times, haha! Naughty girl. Tsk tsk.
My mum was very strict, and one of the reasons I spent so much time with my nan was because I could do whatever I wanted in her garden. I could invite little friends over to play and I loved that freedom. I hated rules and always wanted to follow my own little missions, even when I was alone, it never bothered me. My auntie gave me lots of cuddles too.
I agree that violence and excessive control are hallmarks of harmful parenting. Childhood trauma can pass through generations through epigenetic changes. We are born with a natural desire to explore, learn, create and feel free. 💕
I remember once, when I was about ten, after watching The Waltons where the parents were forever hugging and kissing their children, I tried to kiss my mother goodnight. She recoiled in horror, said something like 'get off me' and shrugged me off. I never ever tried it again!
Ohhh, we do remember those moments. But when we grow older, we often look back and try to understand them differently. We realise our parents may have been going through difficult times themselves.
My mum was very strict, but she was also very loving and responsible. She could be really strict, though. Sometimes all it took was one glance and her widening her eyes, and I'd instantly stop whatever I was doing! 😂
I was a very sensitive soul back then, and I probably still am.
I remember one day when we were at the little river at the bottom of our garden. The five of us (my two brothers, 2 sisters and I) had been swimming, and afterwards Mum sat us down and cleaned our feet and fingernails one by one, starting with the youngest and finishing with the oldest.
When it was my turn, I chatted away as usual, asking her endless questions. She looked at me and said, "You sound like an old lady." After that I stopped talking.
I took that comment very badly. I carried it with me for years, and even now I can still remember exactly how it made me feel. She never explained what she meant, and as a child, I certainly didn't want to sound like an old lady! I remember thinking, What's wrong with me?
It's funny how our minds hold on to little moments like that and how they can shape us without anyone realising.
That's why I think explanations are such an important part of parenting. Most of the time, parents simply tell children off and expect them to understand. But children are like sponges, they absorb everything so quickly. The words we use, and the way we explain our actions, matter so much because those little moments can stay with them for a lifetime.
I believe there are children who, from a very young age, have the ability to adapt to their environment, no matter how difficult it may be.
The relationship you have with your parents largely sets the tone for the attitude you will take toward others in life, yet you can also choose a different path.
While my father showered me with kisses, my mother would watch me in silence, unable to say anything nice to me—or at least I don't remember her doing so; nevertheless, I know she was an excellent mother, despite having a thousand flaws.
I used to get my parents' attention—and a certain amount of freedom—in many ways, and yet I got pregnant at sixteen; it was mostly because I was foolish... romantic and foolish.
I always admire you so much when I read your words.
Your mother sounds much like mine. She found it impossible ever to throw me a kind word. But that made me strong and determined to be nothing like her. And here I am, perfection personified:)
Hahaha, we should have had them play dominoes or cards; then we would have known if they were compatible. At least when playing board games, my mother turned into a different person... a much better one.
As for your personality... I can't picture you any other way than with a halo of light illuminating your face... 🙃😂 You're super cool!!!
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Somewhere along the line you picked up a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor, as evidenced in your last sentence. Was that the result of the way you were raised, or simply the path you later chose? I rather like it, either way.
There's nothing tongue-in-cheek about my final sentence. I'm perfectly serious:)
I really should know better. 😆