How on earth do you have time to read all these comments?
#1 My first thought/feeling on or about anything or, especially, anyone. I believe my first, split second, notion about anything I have just encountered is the truth. It hasn't been affected by logic, words, or my neuroses. After a few seconds, this is no longer true, so I try to register that first, fleeting thought. If I can do this, I am never wrong. It's not always possible. I'm getting better at it.
#2 My son, who is completely dependent on me for all his needs. This can seem like a burden at times, but, in truth, I have become a more compassionate, less self-centered person. I needed this. He is a being of light. I am very lucky.
#3 My ability to see options! I may be "trapped" in my home caring for an invalid, but my mind is free to wander, to write, to learn, to imagine, to dream, to grow. Hive, for instance, is an enormous opportunity to travel the universe.
Your answers really made me think. The first one about your first thought about things-- that reminded me of everything I have been learning about the subconscious mind. We have the illusion that our conscious minds are in charge, in the "driver's seat," so to speak. However, behind the scenes, it is our subconscious that is able to think much faster and process millions of times more information.
So, with that processing power, it sends us a message. We sometimes call it "instinct." It is hard to rely on this message when we don't understand where it comes from, but I think it's great that you have learned to trust it and value it.
Taking care of your child sounds so challenging and I don't know whether you have written more about that elsewhere. If not, and if you want to, I think you should consider it. When my daughter was little (and now, but she is an adult), she was seriously mentally ill. I did not understand why parenting her was so hard.
It's not the same struggle as yours at all, of course. In fact although she had no diagnosed disorder until she was an adult (despite my taking her to the doctor), I often used to be very grateful that she was as well as she was. She screamed and raged often, and I would tell myself to be grateful that she had a voice, that her lungs functioned well. It was hard to be grateful that someone was screaming at me. However, one must take small victories at times.
I was very moved by what you said about your mind being free to roam even though you are kept at home in a caregiving role. That is the magic of reading, writing, and the internet. However, I hope you have some opportunities for respite. Even short breaks can help.
I was also moved that some of the very things that make life challenging for you are what you are glad to have.
Thank you for your deeply felt and thought comment. I find the parents who are most likely to understand me are those who struggled with similar events. I think some of my son's problems today are very much because I did not listen to my first instincts, I did not say no, I afraid of being wrong. But more problems come from that thought, that fear of being wrong.
Thank you for being moved. If you have placed a comment on this post, would you please tag me on it?
It sounds like you have done your best. It is hard, as a mother, not to feel guilty at times, and it sounds like you blame yourself a little. However, when I feel guilty (which is often), I try to ask myself how the guilt helps the situation. Since it does not help nor does it make me feel good, I try to forgive myself for my errors.
It's not easy. I don't know if you also struggle with this or if I am reading you incorrectly. Sometimes, it really feels like motherhood is synonymous with guilt. I think you have had to be very strong.
You're making me wanna cry with your response to @owasco comment
You can't cry. If you do, I will cry because I triggered it, and then we will all be crying!!!
That first important thing you mentioned got me thinking... A first notion about anything and anyone 🤔 I may have been over looking that. Thanks, I learnt something new again.
I love your son already.... A being of light? Wonderful one
Well, we are all beings of light. Some shine more brightly. Some blaze, and many, sadly, have dimmed their own lights.
Trusting my first instinct has never let me down. It's when I second guess myself, listen to so-called experts despite the warnings going of in my head, that always goes wrong. Always. We know what to do for ourselves, far better than anyone or thing else does.
I understand, thanks for the further explanation... I'm learning more about first notion 😊
Wow the first point is an interesting perspective! I am glad this approach works out for you. Generally, I have noticed that my gut feelings or intuitions about a person or situation don't fail me but I wait it out until I see more clarity and act accordingly.
You do radiate a lot of compassion. Hive is quite international.
It takes effort.
Our initial thoughts on something are often the lasting thoughts. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't, is something I say a lot. We form opinions quickly and whilst they cam be wrong and we may have to change or amend them, mostly that intuition will be accurate. A good call here, and an important thing.
Your son? of course.
I really like your third one. We may seem trapped in place, but in our minds we are free and whist it's not quite the same as being able to go out and do things, one can find a certain enjoyment, fulfillment, from imagining and experiencing things via media like Hive for instance. I write a lot which is how I explore my imagination and range outwardly, inwardly.
That is a very important ability in my opinion, you sometimes have to look and look but there are always options, even if finding them can be a pain in the ass.
That 'still little voice'. I've learned to trust it implicitly over the years. I DO listen to it, too.
You son is fortunate in his choice in mothers. I was also...
There IS always a choice, isn't there? It's a rare human who knows and explores them.
I had to be backed into a few corners before I learned how to do it. A lack of options is usually a compulsive refusal to let something, or someone go. Many feel they have no choice regarding a certain medical treatment, and are ignoring their inner voices on the issue, but that is simply not true.
I was lucky he chose me too.
Thank you for your understanding of my words.