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When I was young I used to be able to sleep through everything, the sounds of explosions only managed to awaken me at the start. The sounds of thunder were merely indicators of rain in my deep dreams. Last night I couldn't sleep at all. And it is all thanks to that black dog barking five floors down in the back of my building.
I could hear him barking over my downloaded two hours long sleeping music YouTube videos. I also was barely able to hear the guy telling me to relax, inhale, hold it in for few seconds, then inhale on another video. The dog barking stayed in the back of my mind. I couldn't sleep, I need to sleep as I have a whole day of social interactions I need the power to ignore tomorrow.
The dog barking felt like anger, frustration, anxiety, and regret. Maybe he was barking at the missed chances he had to find a nice home, or having others around him. Surround himself with love instead of barking himself to sleep through the pondering silence in the night.
I opened YouTube to maybe listen to music and hopefully exhaust myself to sleep. A playlist made up of songs and artists introduced to me by ghosts. Ghosts that now only come to remind me of past sad interactions that sends cringe down my spines, the things I said, the things I didn't say, and the long list of drafts I never sent.
The barking has turned into hauling, that of a childhood drama he can't remember. You know it is there but could never know it's shape. Was it the mother he watched die after getting attacked by stray dogs? Or was it the abusive father telling to shut up and stand still every time he thinks of something to do or say, leaving cuts and wounds on his body, a way to leak out the chances he was too afraid to take in the shape of blood.
I checked my phone and saw nothing, no messages received, no respond to the apologies I sent, all left on seen. Ironic since I feel anything but seen. I looked around and found no one, nothing. Nothing but the sound of loud metal as I try to ignore the pondering night, there's no sleep for me on this night that started years ago. There's nothing but anger, frustration, anxiety, and regret.
I finally gave up, walked down the five flights of stairs in the cold winter. Attempting to condole the barking dog. And I sat next to him as he hauled into the darkness ahead, the hauling was getting louder and louder, but at least it was hiding the weeping sounds coming through the wounds and cuts on my body.