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When I was 17 I played in a punk band called ‘Of Xerox’ with three of my friends. We became famous around the scene in Dublin, partly because we were an all-female band but mainly because The Virgin prunes used to come to all of our gigs. Everyone was in awe of The Virgin Prunes, known for their outrageous stage performances. They’d make an entrance when we went on stage and leave immediately afterwards, never waiting to see any of the other bands.
In 1980 we played McGonagle's in Dublin supporting The Outcasts from Northern Ireland, which was quite a big deal at the time. We got a rave review in Hotpress, Ireland's biggest (only) music paper with the headline ‘Of Xerox and zeros’
We were so well known that several times when we were in the audience at a gig, we were called up on stage to play a tune. Quite embarrassing really.
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I was quite a pudgy girl in those days and was always self-conscious about it. I was on the way to a gig in Dublin’s famous Dandelion Market one Sunday in 1979 and as myself and my friend crossed the road to the bus stop, a car came speeding out of nowhere and ploughed into me. Strangely enough, there was an ambulance at the traffic lights opposite and I was taken to the hospital with a broken leg and a fractured collar bone. There I remained for almost 8 weeks and in that time I lost about 3 stone, undergoing a complete metamorphosis from ugly duckling to beautiful swan. I should have gotten a huge settlement out of it as it was an unmarked police car that was speeding and ran the red light, witnessed by the ambulance driver, but my father didn’t want to get involved with authorities so that was that.
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Being born to parents who didn’t have much regard for government, the law, or indeed any sort of authority, when I started a business after leaving college I didn't exactly register with the tax authorities and the like. I thought it outrageous that the government expected me to pay tax to them for every job I created, so when I got these little forms in the letterbox with a nice square box where I could fill in how much I owed, I used to screw them up and toss them in the direction of the bin.
After a couple of years, I had a visit from the tax man, a tiny imp of a fella he was, vitriol oozing from every pore. Think Rumplestiltskin and you'll get the idea. Unfortunately, he encountered my father in the foyer who, upon finding out he was from the tax office, roared at him ‘’get out of here you poisoned (expletive) dwarf ‘ something which likely cost me a pretty penny.
Sometime later I was summoned to the tax office where I was met by said poisoned dwarf, apoplectic with rage, who got out his little calculator and announced that I owed 59,210 pounds, a sizeable chunk of money in the early 80s and far more than I had even turned over. Despite my attempts to argue that taxation is theft, I was ordered to write out 104 post-dated cheques for 569.32. A month later they came back to me for a further 104 cheques for 56.93 pounds for a fine they had omitted to include in their calculations.
At this point, I will confess to being brought to the doctor twice when I was a child as I wouldn’t eat and was painfully thin. The first time I was prescribed Complan and the second Jersey Milk. So no, I was never pudgy.
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Posted in response to the Ink Well creative non-fiction challenge #14. The prompt is Two truths and a lie.
The images are my own, for decorative purposes only, and are entirely unrelated to the content.
Can you hear us laughing? Is it legal to be this clever and amusing? A bang up, smash up job, and no errant police cars in the vicinity. This is quite a yarn and could have been entirely fiction. You seem to have had enough colorful experiences to fill at least two lifetimes, and yet your single lifetime is not complete.
Thank you, @deirdyweirdy for the absolutely outstanding read.
A thousand thanks for the encouraging words. I'm delighted you thought it a good read. I have indeed had a very eventful life, finding that the more I've tried to live a life different from my parent's, I've ended up quite the same.
Haven’t we all 🤗💕🤗❤️💕🤗🤗
wow ....
https://www.irishrock.org/irodb/bands/ofxerox.html
You played guitar ... that is so awesome!
I did and I had the time of my life doing it:)
Thanks for the comment.
I must say you did a master stroke kind of work here.. From the story to the picture.. You were simply amazing, I had to read this 3 times..
Three times? A glutton for punishment indeed:)
This was so funny - it could all be true. I enjoyed reading your story and thought being fat was the lie as your rebel against the authorities dad would certainly sue the government. Pity about the taxes though. Love your writing.
(Are all Dubliners funny? I have never met one that does not have me cracking up.)
Us Dubs are a laugh-a-minute. Sure don't we live in a joke of a country!:)
If you like a giggle you should check out @blanchy. He's not a Dub, but don't hold that against him. When he's not droning on about sports, he's a positive riot.
Thanks a lot for the fun comment.
Here @deirdyweirdy , great post as always. You are the most interesting individual in this place by miles. I hear there is a Dub vampire film on the way to our screens. Bleeeeeeeeeddddddnnnnnn jaysus. Thanks for the kind words.
I was gonna audition for a part, but... a lesbian love triangle? It won't be makin' it's way to my screen atall atall!
Ah your a banshee babe, throwing digits at a door.
Yes you are all funny indeed. I will definitely check out @blanchy - a laugh a day rivals the Apple.
Finally got around to reading this D. Get you rocking Dublin in the 80s 🎶
Lucky you weren't killed by the unmarked car, would have been a shite way to go!
Death by imaginary vehicle would indeed be an ignominious demise:)
Hold on! What? I thought you being overweight back then was the lie.. I'm confused now 😕
Ah for jaysus sake, will ya try an' keep up. The lie was I was plump, got knocked down, and lost loads of weight in hospital. The truths were the band and the tax man.
🤣🤣🤣 Hve ya not figured it out yet? I'm exceptionally slow!
Hello @deirdyweirdy I love your story especially in the first part where you narrate that you belonged to a band, I can see that the experiences were great. On the other hand, even though the pictures don't go with the theme, they are just decoration, you made me laugh.
If I made you laugh, my job is done:) Your support is much appreciated.
Are the readers supposed to decide what is truth and what is fiction? You wrote it so well, I'm not going to even try. What a hilarious story. Your dad sounds a bit like my husband.
The lie is revealed in the very last paragraph. I wasn't run over.
If your husband is anything like my father you've likely had an interesting life:)
Well,I WAS run over once, so I could believe you were. But that's another story for another day.
Real life often tells us the best stories, but to appreciate them we need excellent writing like the one you give us here.
The phrase: Think Rumplestiltskin and you'll get the idea really made me laugh excellent story thanks for sharing it.
Delighted to have made you smile, especially since I tend to have the opposite effect on most people;)
YES! I guessed it :) Although, I know a bit about you as a child from reading your stories, so I may have had an unfair advantage going in !LOLZ
AN ALL GIRL PUNK BAND?!?! Youtube would be too easy huh, there's some electronic guy called Xerox and that's all I'm finding. Google wants to tell me about Xerox machines, which I've had enough encounters with 🤣 (really, damn great name for a band though!)
Where do I find your music?! ahhhhhh
I loved reading this, you get cooler and cooler the more I learn about you!
The last story made my heart hurt for you, how the system leaches our hard work from us... Indeed, taxation is theft! I wouldn't mind chipping in for roads and stuff, if that's actually what it went to here, and if the amount was far more modest... It's not that I hate helping people, I just hate helping the gov 😂 59+ K pounds?! ouch!! Bastards. !LUV !PIZZA
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The only reference you'll find to us online is this
https://www.irishrock.org/irodb/bands/ofxerox.html
posted below by @robbieretard.
I have only one old cassette tape of one of our gigs and being 40-odd years old, the sound is terrible..or maybe we just sounded terrible:) I've moved house many many times over the years and while at one time I had copies of write-ups in music magazines and posters from our gigs, they're long since lost.
Life was so different in those days. We didn't even have a telephone at home until 1980. If only I'd known I'd be on the blockchain writing about my past I might have been more careful to save the evidence.
Thanks for the comment, nobody's ever called me cool before:):)
Did you, actually, pay? You silly girl, you should have declared bankruptcy, from which you can be resurrected. Hehe!
So breezily told, so much (suppressed ) humour. The question is : how can anyone laugh if you actually owed that amount. Hope it was the “lie” part of the story.
🤗💕🤗☕️❤️💕💕🤗
I paid and paid and paid but it didn't destroy me. I had the last laugh as a few years later with a hugely successful business, I employed a top-notch accountant and never paid a penny tax again.
Hello @deirdyweirdy. I had a lot of fun reading your story. I didn't get it right about what was true and what wasn't. I was about to think that the apoplectic dwarf could be an invention of yours hahaha, in the end I realized it was true.
Very good storytelling.
Regards
Believe me, I have enough apoplectic dwarves in my life not to have to invent another one:)
I'm delighted I'm proving to be such a good liar as I have been practicing very hard.
Hahaha you made me laugh. What a good humor.
I enjoyed reading this immensely. You have a great way with words 👏
I'm not the biggest fan of authority, so I can relate to the sentiments shared by your dad 😂
Great story that was told in such a funny way, and I like the images of the pudgy chickens, and also of the large porthole. It looks like the perfect thing to have a good view of the tax collector knocking.
Nice one 👍
Thank you and thank you, I'm delighted you found it amusing. People have been known to refer to me as 'funny' but I'm certain they mean funny peculiar as opposed to funny haha.
Haha, that's a funny haha response 😆
My wit is exceeded only by my good looks:)
Haha! Sounds like you're the full package to me:)
I'm not sure what my favorite part is. Might be this:
Somehow captures the spirit of the piece.
I look forward to reading your writing. Always a trip.
They're my best chick pics, so I just had to get them in somewhere. I've been waiting for ages for someone to post a prompt about chickens.
😂
Damn!!
I was confused between the first and third one but you played with the second, lol. Well done!!
Thank you kindly! Seems I'm a much better liar than I ever imagined.
Hahaha 😂
You got me😂😂😂
Tbh, I didn't know your gender, so I thought the lie was that you were a girl😅😂😂💔
No offense just that deirdyweirdy is such a weirdly boyish name😂😂😂💔
I also hate the tax man or any means of unnecessary expenses 😂😂
Hahaha, I was a girl many moons ago. now an ancient aul wan. Deirdy Weirdy was my nickname in school. Thanks for reading to the end and indeed for the comment.
Hehe. I would have said the lie was from the band while you were seventeen. But I am also thinking it’s from the later experience with the with the doctor made that clear to me. 😂
And the chicken. Those captures 😂. Like those chicken were living in the 1700 and never want to face the camera.
I'm training those chickens to be models. I'm sure they're gonna make me a fortune:)
😂 😂 😂. Models my bad! 😂. I wouid like to get an autograph from them.
I can arrange it but it'll cost ya!
How much?? Your chickens should be able to pay for that.
Knowing the little I do about you all this seems very plausible. I'll go with the being hit by the Gardas as the lie. Wonderful writing as always.
What an astute fellow you are. And I thought I was a thoroughly accomplished liar! Of course the Garda don't go around hitting people with cars...they use batons don't they:)
Your a howl! (To international readers, that's a good thing) Would love to hear some of your music if it did and still does exist.
https://www.irishrock.org/irodb/bands/ofxerox.html
I found this online .
Of xerox Bio:
All female post-punk band with a very good following around Dublin, active 1980-82. Of Xerox was formed by three bored teenage girls at St Marys school in Baldoyle: Min, Dee and Carol. The original drummer Kerry was replaced by Chris Ward after about a year. They also put out their own fanzine Ten Pence Worth featuring The Pretty.
Their first gig was with Les Fruits (anyone ever heard of them?) and was a disaster. By the time they supported The Outcasts at McGonagles a year later they were a bit more together and had developed their sound. This was described by Vox as "aggressive poetry backed by rhythms of heavy drims, lots of bass, and sparse guitar". Dee was a self-taught, unconventional guitarist who used to play seated on stage. Min was an aggressive vocalist.
https://www.irishrock.org/irodb/bands/ofxerox.html
Hmm, you're obviously not as cerebrally challenged as your avatar would suggest:)
excellent read.
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