I have always loved the pleasant view of the first light of dawn: the reassuring way it paints the sky in delicate shades of yellowish gold. As I watch the awakening of the birds flapping their wings in excitement, diving back and forth in the golden rays of the captivating sky, I am driven into a seemingly calm state of mind. I definitely draw strength from the serenity that comes with the dawning of the day. The absolute calmness and delibrate peacefulness it brings actually keep me alive within. The crisp air carries the scent of the damp earth and the fresh leaves from the trees that surround my house, all giving me a great start as I view the amazing dawn.
This was my favorite time of day—the moment when the world seems to be at a standstill, a moment when the world needs to hush just a little before dawning. But lately, the hush of dawn has been very heavy on me, filled with unanswered questions and seemingly silent regrets. Standing on the balcony of my house, I try to figure out what has gone wrong and exactly what I have failed to do right, meditating actually on how to fix things, hoping they are not really broken ( so to speak). Standing outside on my balcony and seriously staring at the yellowish—golden sun high in the sky, as if I were actually anticipating an answer from the universe.
I left home years ago to chase after a future that I thought I wanted and was best for me: an enormous city life, a reasonably paying job, a huge apartment, a luxurious car, and a happy life. This ambition once burned brightly in my mind's eye; In fact, I could see myself attaining that goal at a particular point in time. However, after endless late nights, unending deadlines, mental exhaustion and the feeling of emptiness , uncertainty and loss. I found myself actually lost.
Right now, standing on this balcony, all I need is a long hug, telling me everything is going to be just fine
"Didn't expect to see you up so early," a masculine voice said as he opened the door leading to the balcony where I was standing. Immediately, I turned and saw my father stepping out with a cup of coffee. He sat down beside me slowly and sipped his coffee.
I shrugged. " I actually could not fall asleep, Dad."
He nodded his head, as if he were in agreement with my answer. We sat close to each other in silence, watching the sky transform from dawn to daylight.
My father broke the long moment of silence, when he said, " You have always loved the dawn."
I smiled faintly. "Yes, Dad. It tells something about a new beginning, I guess."
"Hmmm! to me, a new beginning is kind of silly and funny, because sometimes they look an awful lot like endings."
I glanced back at him in fury as he sipped his coffee again, but this time, he was sitting. "What do you mean, Dad?"
Pointing towards the horizon, he said, "Happy, see that sky, Doesn't it look like something new is about to start?"
"Yes," I responded in curiousity.
"However, If you were to view this same sun from another part of the world," he continued, " then, this same sun that is shining as a new dawn for you will be setting for someone else. So, this is not a beginning, but rather it is an end."
I stood still for a while. What my father said made alot of sense, so I decided to turn my thoughts over in my mind.
"I just... I thought..." I stuttered while finding my balance.
"I thought I was supposed to do better, Dad."
I actually stopped stuttering and continued. "I had alot of plans, goals and a lot of expectations in life. I wanted to make you happy and be proud of me. And now, I am back here, stuck in my failures. I feel I have disappointed you," I said, crying.
"My dearest daughter," my father called, exhaling slowly while setting his cup down. He moved closer to me and held my shoulder. "You have never disappointed me even once. You have always made me extremely happy. I have always been proud of you and all you have been able to accomplish in just these few years. What more can I possibly ask for but for you to stop beating yourself up in bitterness?" My father encouraged and pleaded.
"Really?" I asked, wiping a tear from my eye.
"Let me ask you something my dear." My father continued. "You remember when you were still little, how you would sit on that old fence in the morning, watching the birds fly high up in the sky?"
I nodded In agreement, "Yes, Dad."
"Have you ever wondered If they stop sometime?" he asked.
I frowned slightly. "hmmm! What do you mean?"
"The birds. They don't just fly forever. Every now and then, they stop. They rest to take a break. They stop to breath in energy for yet another flight." He turned to me and said, "The birds stopping doesn't mean they are lost. It simply means they are pacing themselves."
Rubbing my palms together,I asked quietly, "What if I don't know where to go next?"
My Father chuckled with a soft gaze of understanding and said, "Then probably this is your time to stop, rest, breath and recollect your thoughts and energy back on track. To listen, Happy, you don't have to always be on the run. Now is the time to take advantage of this time by reflecting, meditating and relaxing your mind so as to come out polished and ready for life challenges, my dear."
I definitely felt the weight of my father's words settling in my chest.
For so long, I have measured my worth by movement—by how far I have gone and how fast I was progressing. However, perhaps stillness has its own kind of power. Maybe, just maybe, standing still did not necessarily mean that I was actually lost.
I immediately let out a slow breath, as if I was freeing the enormous weight I had placed on myself.
Maybe, for now, it is time to pamper myself just a little.
I turned to my father with an appreciative smile and said, "Dad, thank you for being here. I don't know what I would have done without you."
"Thank you for being here too, my dearest," he said, enveloping me in his warm arms.
I had longed for a lasting and reassuring hug earlier.This was the long— anticipated hug. There was no better time. I felt safe and revitalized
"I love you, Dad," I said quietly.
"I love you, dear," he said simply.
We both took a brief walk and sat down on a log to enjoy the amazing view from the beautiful sky.
While sitting with my dad and my head resting on his shoulder, I realized something —
Dawn was not just a beginning.
Rather, it was a choice.
And henceforth, I have chosen to move forward — one step at a time.
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