Vital transition
"He's gone, he's gone, forever!" I rebutted with denial. The bitter, anguished truth, forcefully burst, one by one my senses. I collapsed, it was only crumbs. The dent of my feelings, gnawed abysmally. My riotous emotions, revealed themselves. Agitation, with ingratitude, expressed itself again and again. They burst in and swept over with power, hijacking and snatching my tranquility.
I was assaulted and assaulted by anger, sadness, confusion, guilt and despondency. I needed to run away and process that it was gone...I could not tolerate assiduously hearing "You have to be strong" "It will all pass" .... My soul demanded, an escape. And I understood her in her demand, she was crippled, maimed, crippled, resentful of what she lacked.
Not everyone understood what I was living and feeling at that moment. Of course there were good intentions, many of them sincere and loving? I demanded other airs, to go other ways. I asked to live my pain, my suffering with all intensity and without dissimulation. I demanded to unburden myself, to accept my loss, to live my grief. I needed distance, another environment.
This disconcerting anarchy, which clouded and overshadowed me. It was an urgency to drain, it could not be prolonged. The heart implored and begged for reconciliation and acceptance, for love felt and lived. In its own way, it expressed itself by assuring me that this attachment and affection would never perish, not even in its absence.
Source
I would travel to the intricacies of the Venezuelan Amazon, I would take refuge in nature. Only time and events would be the indicators of what was to come.
I asked for support from my cousin Caridad, always by my side. Silent and taciturn, but present to support me in my grief. "Caridad, after the funeral, I will travel to the Amazon" "Please take care of the details"
"Contact Mirla, she will be the one to organize everything in Puerto Ayacucho" "Look in my cell phone, her contact number" Mirla was a dear friend and lived precisely where I would be going. Caridad nodded and told me "Don't worry, I'll take care of everything" "Rest"
The funeral was on a Monday, on a sad and gloomy afternoon, the gray clouds foreshadowed the prevailing sadness and desolation. The raindrops fell unceasingly, they joined the grief. After the farewell, I dropped on a sofa, dozed for a few minutes. Then a soft voice called out to me: "Maria, your trip is organized."
Caridad said "You are leaving for Puerto Ayacucho, first thing in the morning" "We will take you to Maiquetia Airport, you will travel in a Hercules plane of the Venezuelan Air Force" "Your luggage and suitcases are ready" After the details, Caridad asked insistently "Are you sure? Is that what you want to do?" And I answered her, without any doubt "It is what I need... Thank you, thank you, Caridad."
I was welcomed by Captain Velasquez, I had traveled with him on other occasions, for work commitments. I was familiar with traveling in those types of cargo planes.
Already in the city of Puerto Ayacucho. My friend Mirla was waiting for me with hugs and condolences. I affectionately shared her residence for a day and thanked her for her attentions. The purpose was to interact with nature, I was leaving on my way.
Source
In a protected area, guarded by park rangers, there was a cabin located in the Amazon rainforest. I had spent the night there and shared with other people, in activities of my professional practice. However, it was the first time I had done it alone. Its equipment was basic and Mirla had been in charge of providing it with provisions.
It was the place I demanded, the contact with nature. The necessary isolation for meditation. To regain strength, to search for meaning... Many nights I questioned myself repeatedly, looking for answers in my musings, but I only found emptiness in my inner world. I cried many times, shouted at others, I needed to drain, to release affectivities, dryness that slowed me down.
I walked through its landscapes, in long and extensive walks, perceptions sharpened and senses renewed. Synchrony and harmony began to flow in a great heterogeneity and disparity, in the unfathomable and inscrutable of the Venezuelan Amazon. I rediscovered myself and found myself again, in my disconformities, with my lights and shadows, among resonances, signs and fragrances. New nuances emerged, strengthening my identity and revalidating my existential sense, imprints were forged in my essence, which will accompany me forever.
The time to return had come. I hurriedly gathered my belongings, packed my bags and asked the park ranger team for support. They kindly return me to the city of Puerto Ayacucho.
Mirla, when she saw me she got excited, she told me "I am very happy, you have recovered" "Although you didn't see me there" "We were looking after you, you were never alone" I answered with tears in my eyes "Mirla, thank you."
According to the information, the next plane of the commercial line to the capital would be in six days. I had decided that my return would be by land. Approximately 18 hours of travel, it didn't matter.
It was a bright Saturday, so I walked around the downtown area. I bought the ticket and enjoyed a stroll through the Rómulo Gallegos square, where the indigenous market is located. With rejoicing and admiration, I visualized handicrafts of millenary tradition, ancestral, zealously preserved through generations, strengthened by their cosmovisions and cosmogonies.
I bought some gifts, among them handicrafts, catara (chili sauce), mañoco (flour extracted from the root of the yucca) and some fruits to enjoy during the return trip. Everything was ready to return, I had already told my family that I would be waiting for them in Caracas.
I would leave at ten o'clock at night. I didn't like traveling at night on the road, but that's the style of long trips. I looked inside my wallet, it was full of receipts from purchases made. I had to throw them away, so I started to gather the receipts. Distracted by the task, I tore them up and threw them away. Without realizing it, I made a big mistake, I tore the travel bill into little pieces.
Source
She said "It can't be, how clumsy!" With disbelief, he visualized the discarded ticket. "Calm down", expressed Mirla, with a hopeful voice "Tomorrow we will solve that, the office is closed" "I will prepare for both, an exquisite dinner" "You will notify your family, the unforeseen" "You will turn off your cell phone and rest".
I replied "You are absolutely right" The night was progressing, so I decided to notify my family the next day. We had dinner, I turned off my cell phone and slept peacefully. The next day when I turned on my phone, I was surprised to see more than twenty missed calls, from known and unknown numbers.
I immediately called one of them and could not believe my ears. It was public news, the bus that night had collided, with regret there were a considerable number of deaths and serious injuries. Yes, the same bus in which I had been assigned seat 4D. But by mistake I had torn the ticket.
My brain was struggling to process the information, the shock was intense. Emotions were jolting: surprise, fear, anguish, bewilderment, dismay. The news cornered me. I repeated over and over again, unrestrained, "It could have been me, one of the occupants!" "If it hadn't been for my mistake, what would have become of me?" I felt in my head how my blood vessels were rushing blood. A throbbing pain, unbearable and intolerable, invaded my whole head. An intense headache dulled my senses. My eyelids almost could not close, they were invaded by a great edema that doubled in volume its capacity, a consequence of the unstoppable crying. Mirla, like me, was startled.
Chance? destiny? butterfly effect? I didn't really care much. I was grateful for the mistake, for being alive. Nothing would ever be the same again... Thus, I travel in the immeasurable and thoughtless existential life, with a past that escorts me, in a now that demands. I transit, in a spiral of representations and advents, sometimes of dichotomous extremes of lights and shadows, of charms and disenchantments, with chaos in order and order in chaos. At times with iridescent shades, in distorted and random dispositions. That is my life, in it I walk, in a vital transition.
Aside from the initial portray of what grief looks like, this took me to a peaceful place as I know of it. Second chances are rare.
But then your case is exceptionally rarer. A second chance and a rebirth of that kind is a miracle. I am glad you stayed. I am glad you tore your ticket to the hospital or worse. Interesting how what you thought was a mistake was the best thing to ever happen to you. Thank you for sharing ✨
Hello @tezmel it is a pleasure to meet you through this interaction. I am honored that you have devoted your attention to my writing, which represent fragments of my life. I am sincerely gratified by it. That will allow us to go further with a conversation.
This reference you make is associated with the pain felt, experienced and lived through the loss of a loved one. A situation that upset my equilibrium. I found myself in a void, from which I needed to get out. Nature is my refuge. My meeting place, my living space. It is responsible for my adaptations and adjustments to the existence of the events of everyday life. And it is with nature that I find answers to my questions, it makes energy flow in me, it is light in the darkness. I think it is a mutual pleasure, we understand each other. The opposite is the city, which with its day to day life exhausts me considerably.
I am not the absolute owner of the truth, I don't think anyone is, for a very simple reason, pure objectivity does not exist. Our points of view are always marked by our experiences, our experiences, our transit, our lights and shadows that we all have, by our worldviews.
I differ from you in your opinion, although I respectfully accept it because it is your point of view, it deserves recognition and consideration. I do believe in opportunities, they have always been and will always be in my life of mixture and crossroads.
Likewise, mistakes have always been and always will be, with varying degrees of successes and failures. These mistakes can vary in nature, yes. In my constant introspections and interpellations, I have internalized how at first I dislike my failure, my mistake, and then, when I broaden the horizon on the stage, I am grateful that it happened. They have always been and will always be beneficial because they represent, will represent learning and on many occasions a change of course.
Have you ever wondered how many situations in everyday life are mistakes that can save lives, change destinies, in short, so many things. For some it will be fate, for others chance, and why the differences in the interpretation of a fortuitous event? Because the answers will depend on our concept of life.
Thank you very much for your good wishes. I too am grateful to continue in this existence, wandering, reflecting, nourishing myself day by day, with a restless soul that does not stop.
It has been a pleasure to see your presence through your words. Thank you for your visit.
Cheers and well being. Happy week.
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WOW! WOW!
I had goosebumps while reading this and i am totally speechless, all i can say is that i thank God you escaped it that day and it was definitely not your time to leave us in this world, look at you now all strong and bold😃
This was a good read
!LUV
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Hi @ibbtammy it's a pleasure to meet you. Grateful for your presence and for generating this interaction.
Yes, so right in your words, our God works in many ways, in unexpected ways. I think so too, the time has not come to leave, there is so much to know and to live.
Happy and blessed week.
He sure does and i agree with you, thanks for sharing your story😀
Yay! 🤗
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Thank you very much dear @almajandra. Thank you for your support, I sincerely value and appreciate it. Thank you @ecency team for your support.
You're welcome @marilour keep up the good work.
!LUV
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Exquisitely written, lyrical piece. Totally engrossing story that chills to the bone. Tearing up that ticket was, by far, one of the most fortuitous things, ever. The thought of that dreadful accident must’ve left you weak-kneed.
Please remember to engage with other writers.
Kind regards @itsostylish I am honored by this interaction and your expert appraisal of my writing. Very grateful for it.
Yes it is a very heartfelt experience in my life, remembered for its emotional triggers set off by a distracted and clumsy action in the face of a broken travel ticket.
It is an example of how our feelings can be ambiguous, antagonistic, contrasting and thus lead us to extremes in the face of changing scenarios. And unexpectedly and even extravagantly, the same event can generate a totally different connotation.
We live in a multidimensionality of events that intersect and intertwine. At first glance, no connection can be found, but if we scrutinize them, they are interconnected webs.
I thank you for the reminder of the need to be active in the comments. I always try to keep that in mind.
Happy weekend to you
Nicely written. :)
!PIZZA
Thank you very much @ladymisa for your visit, Happy weekend.
$PIZZA slices delivered:
@ladymisa(4/5) tipped @marilour
The lord was there for you when you needed HIM the most...I'm very happy you escaped this
Much truth in your reflection. I am grateful for it day by day of my existence. Thank you for these wise words.
You're welcome
Wow tu eres escritora profesional? Lo haces bien!
Thank you @victoriaxl for your feedback. Thank you for your words.
This is so WOW
thank God you made that mistake and stayed alive
I must confess, you have a mastery of words and it amazes me how easy you manipulated the words to fit in perfectly.
Kudos!!!
Hello @jjmusa2004 . Yes every day of my existence, I thank the Lord for it. It was a mistake that saved my life.
Thank you for your appreciation of my writing. You honor me with your words. Thank you very much for your deference.
Until another opportunity.
Health and well being. Successful week.
Yes, you're always welcome
Do have a splendid week