"Just please let this thing you see remain between us; I would find my way around later in school," I told Femi the day he came to visit me at the hospital. I had just gone through another surgery, and I had come out with something different, and this time, I was having a colostomy bag. I was told I would have to be on that for some months, maybe years. But I need to heal up a bit before another surgery (reversal) could be done. He was amazed when he saw it, but then he only said, "You be my guy; forget it, this is safe with me. Who did I even want to tell this kind of thing to?"
I was glad to hear that from him; I felt safe. He was the only friend who saw most of the pains I had to go through: the bandage, the tubes, the surgeries, the pains, the sleepless nights, and the like. Most of the times when he came around and found me looking all by myself, not joking or anything, he would just begin gisting me about school, fellowship, and the like; he would crack jokes to lighten my mood, and he would video call some of our other friends so we could all see and talk. I would laugh even though those surgery sites would be painful, but then, the laughter does make me feel lighter.
Fast forward to when I got discharged and was alright enough to resume going back to school. I was still with the colostomy bag, though, but then, I could handle it well. I know how to go about my day without having complications or issues. He was there during all those times, helping to clean up and helping with some tasks at my hostel. There was a day I asked him, "Don't you fear or get irritated by this thing?" He just looked at me, smiled, and responded, "And why will I? You're my blood now, and it's not as if it's forever; you're healing up already."
That word gave me hope, and he himself made me stronger. I was glad I wasn't alone after all. A very good friend he was, or so I thought.
Though a lot of people knew I was sick, none actually knew what it was. So, I tried blending in back. I now wear loose, free clothes, I walk carefully, and I avoid crowded places and the like. I do carry my cross-bag across my stomach so it would rest on the bag; it was more of a shield, you know, school area, you never can tell who can run into you or push you. I was just there living my life... quietly.
So it happened one Monday afternoon. I saw Femi across the rector's office in school. He waved at me, and I waved back. I was actually going home, but he beckoned me to come over, so I went to him. He was with two other girls and one boy. Their faces didn't look familiar, so I guess they were his friends from another department.
"Toyosi, meet my friends Bola, Folu, and Taiye."
I smiled and moved closer to them. "How are you?" I said as I shook their hands.
As I was about to shake the second lady's hand, she just withdrew her hands immediately as if she remembered something, and without thinking twice, she blurted out, "Is this not the guy you say has something on his stomach and can’t......" something on his stomach and can’t......"*
It was as if I was given a punch; I lost balance. I just stood there staring. My hand was still half extended. And I saw the look on Femi's face. Panic was written all over him.
Before I could say a thing, the ladies had begun chewing my issues as if they were some food. They looked at me with some side-eye, laughed, and whispered to themselves.
I didn't know what to do; I wasn't ready. I have never prepared for a time like this. Furthermore, I looked at them all one after the other, forced a bitter smile, and said, "Nice to meet you," turned around before they could see the tears already forming in my eyes, and walked off.
I got to my room and locked the door. I cried till I slept off.
Not only that, but I woke up later in the night and prayed things wouldn't go worse than they already were. Furthermore, I never knew it was more than I thought. I put on my data and went straight to my WhatsApp only to see various messages on the school group. I switched to my class group, and it was worse. They started it with being anonymous, and people were just writing different things, but then, some decided to not be anonymous; they just post. I dropped my phone and sat on the floor. Various thoughts came through my mind. The secrets I had been guarding with my all have been exposed. How am I going to face the world onward?
I was still lost in thought when my phone began to ring. It was femi. I picked it up immediately without hesitation.
"Femi, but why?"
"Guy, abeg no vex, trust me, I didn't mean to harm you, abeg."
"You could have helped me keep this part of my life; why make it a gist to strangers?... I trusted you, Femi; I trusted you."
"Believe me, I didn't say much, but people will still find out someday, na..." He said.
"People will find out someday? At least, let them find that out themselves. You were supposed to be my safe haven and my silence..."
"Nothing spoil bro, you don't need to worry about it. At least you will soon get fixed up."
"I never knew you would be the one to break me." I said in a final tone.
Then came a long silence. I heard him murmuring on the other end, then he sighed and said, "I didn't know you would be this pained. I didn't even know it would be out like this...."
I have had enough, so I hung up the call on him.
The following week made me a total stranger in an environment that I know so well. I would walk and imagine eyes on my stomach. I no longer sit in front of the class; I either go to class early before anybody else or go to class late when I am sure a lecturer will be in already. Not only that, but I no longer felt safe, even in my own room. I would wrap myself up and lock my door. The only sound that usually keeps me awake is the sound of the colostomy bag against my skin or the cloth I am putting on. It was a sound I had gotten used to, as only I could hear it, but now, it feels as if the whole world could.
About three weeks later, he showed up. Yeah, my friend came to my hostel and knocked. I didn't even want to open up after hearing it was him....
"Toyosi, please open up; let's talk."
I didn't respond or make any sound.
"I know I messed up big time. I am so sorry..." He continued.
"Believe me, I never meant to harm or expose you to the world. I am a big fool; I accept that. I am sorry, please."
I held the door open and looked at him. Here he is, that same guy who once helped me walk, the same guy who once ran up and down the stairs of the hospital countless times. That same guy who watched me cry from pain.
"But...... Must you talk? Did you really need to tell anyone about it?" I asked him.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what got over me, maybe because I just want to have something to tell my new friends. I'm so sorry, I regret it too."
And of a truth, he was remorseful; his eyes were wet, mine were laced with tears too, and for some moment the air between us felt thicker than normal.
"Well, what can I do? I forgive you," I said. "But then, things can't be the same way they were anymore."
He looked at me, nodded, and replied, "Thanks, I very well understand."
After sitting for a while in silence, he left, and I sat still for a very long time. I don't know if I was thinking, lost in thought or not, but I was just there. My head was clear. It was that moment I realized that there are times betrayal would come from the carelessness of someone who was once so close, someone who had at one time or another carried your pain as if it was theirs.
Slowly, I began to live my life like before. People still whisper; they still talk and laugh, but then, I no longer felt ashamed of myself. There was a time a classmate of mine, who we all know as a loose mouth, came over to my table. It was in the examination hall, and the invigilator was yet to arrive. She walked up to me and asked, "Is the rumor really true?" I knew exactly where she was going, and I didn't have time to waste to engage her, so I just said it straight to her face: "Yes, I use a colostomy bag; it has been helping, and it has been keeping me on my feet." Even though my voice trembled, I said it.
After about some months, I met Femi in one of the school cafeterias. We greeted each other and discussed a little while I insisted on paying his bills. We are not enemies; we are not that close again. The bridge is long gone. Even with that, I still hold him in high esteem. Yeah, I still remember the way he stood by me back then, very supportive. And for that, I can't ever see him in need and turn a blind eye.
The truth is, not every friendship ends due to hatred, but some, just like mine, end because trust was broken and it's one that can't be patched. Anytime I hear of betrayal, I don't think of knives to the back or strangers doing something, not at all; what I picture every time is this face saying, "We just gisted a little bit about it." While my dignity is there bleeding slowly and quietly.
Also, I picture that person I became afterward. I became someone who now lives free; I walk all out looking up. It is as if that hurt has disappeared, but because I no longer allow it to control me. It is my story, it is my life, and I must make sure to own it, or else someone else will twist it.
Betrayal hurts; I know that—it hurts me as well.
That was some years ago. Now, I'm fine, and I stand before people and smile like nothing ever happened or like nothing was ever wrong with me. I know that there are some secrets that can stay hidden, but also, there are some wounds that actually deserve to see the light, because therein is where the healing begins.
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I'm glad you were able to grow from such a betryal. It takes so much strength to rise above people being so petty. I really wish there wasn't so much stigma around medical aid like a colonostpy bag as they are life saving for many people.
Hope you keep healing!
Yeah, it wasn't easy, but then....
I really wish there weren't too, as colostomy bags do go a long way in helping people navigate the world, while also healing.
Thanks a lot for your kind and thoughtful comment.
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I feel bad you had to pass through such betrayal. Nicely written story.
Smiles...
Thanks a lot for your thoughtful words 💖.
Wow...💖💖💖
A very big thanks to you.
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I don't know what to say...I think I'm more impressed by your forgiving Femi than I am even by your private struggle. I hope you have a long life. However long it may be, your ability to face this challenge and then to forgive your friend have given you strength to face whatever comes your way.
We will all be sick some day. That's part of life. It happened to you at an early age, and in a public way. I'm sorry, but the way you handled yourself will inspired others to have heart when they need it.
Thanks very much for sharing this.