When I wake up, the first thing I do is walk to the toilet with my phone. I find it double comforting to take a shit while checking on all the notifications and messages left for me by people in other parts of the world. It is a weird kind of good feeling to know that a few people in other time zones with different cultures and all that resonate with the shit I create.
In the moments that lead up to my night sleep, I experience minor bouts of anxiety. I mean, it isn't in the crippling sense, but it is just enough to make my heart thump a little louder than it should. This anxiety is as a result of my drive for consistency in creation. I always wonder how or what I can produce that hasn't been done before, and I also have to make sure I do it well.
The Motivation
The drive to continue is partly from my hunger to express myself in writing, and partly from the fact that I'm a stickler with routines. I feel like if I don't hunch in front of my screen for at least an hour every morning, hitting the keyboard and bleeding my thoughts on this place, I'll probably lose my mind.
Another source of motivation is knowing that my audience has grown to the point that I can be rest assured at least one person will connect with my shit and just nod or maybe interact with me. It is an energising thought and keeps me going for the long term.
Trying Too Hard
Some days are good, and the words flow organically from the tip of my fingers and brain. Those days pop up arbitrarily; sometimes the idea hits you on the spot, while other times, it is a well thought out plan that puts a smile on your face when you play it out in your head.
When the good days dry up, all that's left are those other days where you struggle to string the strings together, and you know deep down that you're trying too hard to create a meh piece. It is in those moments you realise how important inspiration is, and no matter how many cups of coffee or vodka you gobble, you cannot recreate that moment of zing that comes before brilliance.
Moving On
Perhaps moving on, I should try to internalise things a bit more because I find that when I do that, I create a mixture internally that leaks on the sheet. So in essence, we do what we can with what we have by trying to combine our experiences in real life to our perceptions of the world. Hopefully, then, I can have an endless source of inspiration, and never feel like I'm trying too hard to compensate.
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