I set my alarm for early this morning, 05:00 early. The plan was to hike in the scrub for a couple hours, shower, breakfast, get out the door at 08:00 and fire up the big dog for a drive to the south coast and a little G-dog-time.
The plan was executed flawlessly as above until I got to the part about getting in the car for the drive to the south coast. I got held on a very awkward phone call with the wife of a mate of mine who took his own life two days ago. I rarely know what to say in those cases and tend to just listen a lot; I listened to a lot of crying.
I ended up on my computer a little then pretty much caved in to my need for a long drive and time to think. I guess, if I'm honest, I also needed to allow some of the weight to fall off and away from me as I felt it building up in the last couple days. I took my phone, laptop and a water bottle and me and the big dog headed north. Yes north, not south.
I'd lost most of the morning and rather than head to the south coast I went in the opposite direction which would mean I'd avoid the city and make better time. I ended up at a place called Ardrossan on the Yorke Peninsula some 150 kilometres from home.
There's not much there, it's just a sleepy little farming town with a main street, scattering of houses, a few shops and cafés.
It's a popular place with tourists though and with it being school holidays there was quite a few people there. I grabbed a bite to eat and took it to a quiet spot a little out of the way and parked up to have some lunch and relax. I opened the back and dangled my legs off the tailgate looking out over the waters of St Vincent Gulf. It was...Well, nice.
I've been processing thoughts around my mate's situation and how it's made me feel which is, angry. But in truth it's done, he's gone and whilst I miss him he has left people behind that will need my support now and in the future. That's partly what the phone call was about I guess; a tentative probe to learn what I, and others, needed to do for the family. It's the living that suffer after the passing of their loved ones.
I didn't come up with any answers of course, just more questions, however I found the hum of tyres on the road, tunes drifting into my ears and the fresh sea air at Ardrossan to be a pleasant distraction. I got to think, to order my thoughts a little and I found some of the anger dissipate; I guess it turned into a feeling of helplessness through the inability to assist my mate through his struggles, but I also found myself remembering him in life, as he was and what he meant to me. It was a good start I think.
I drove home after a couple hours and felt the time was well spent, that the thinking was helped along by the gap I'd created by heading to a fresh location and changing the scenery a little. There's a long way to go of course but I decided my twenty four hours of anger was enough, that I needed to let it go and start moving towards supporting the family and honouring the memory of someone who deserved far more than he got.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
Discord: galenkp#9209
The image is mine
Sad to hear that. Many in the psychology field speak and consider suicide to be "a selfish act" partly for the reasons you describe above, the effects it has on the living or "the survivors". What many don't realize is that for the individual, they have just gotten past the point of even being able to see that, much less comprehend it because their own pain and suffering has reached a point where it just drowns everything else out and all they want to do is make it stop. Many underestimate the emotional torture, yes torture these folks are going through. Unfortunately, there's not much anyone can do for them since the battle (and the pain) is in their head. Some choose to get help and are able to find the professional help they need, some are not able to do either. The best we can do is wish them better Karma in their next lifetime, they certainly paid their dues in this one and deserve it.
I've found it useful through my own journeys that it benefits the living to take an alternate approach. Of course grieving and taking one's own time to do it is appropriate, but then rather than trying to block out the pain of the person's memory by ignoring or dismissing (never works for long anyway), instead, embrace those positive memories and actually even allow the brain to connect and speak (or listen) to what the memories and lingering vibrations of that person has to say. Even actively engage that person's memory, (talking to their ghost?) Whether it be yelling at them for leaving, or getting advice on how to move forward, or just to hear their voice again. This can provide both a cathartic release and provide a healing, positive interaction to take forward.
I hope your friend's remaining family is able to start their healing journey soon. Just as we don't laugh at a good joke for days on end, we should not become buried in our tears for weeks (or months, or years) on end either.
Best..
You always provide a nice perspective, and make a lot of sense. This drive, the think was all about me drawing a line beneath the anger I held over what I see as a selfish act, as you say so many do. But you're right in that they do not see it that way themselves. I've dealt with death too many times to count and a good many suicides...It never gets easier. It's now time for the living, the family and friends.
We'll move on, the family also, and we'll just remember that big galoot for the upright dude he was in life, at least at the times he wasn't backed into the dark corner he lived in sometimes.
Thanks for commenting Kris. I actually feel I'd gain a lot of value from a few fireside sessions. Burgers and brews man. One day maybe huh?
I would really like a personal get together sometime. We have definitely shared some similar history in different places. I'm sure we've spent time in a past life together as well. You're one of those few connections that I've made that I feel close to, and I don't make many, lol. Perhaps a video chat sometime over a beer soon. I'm still a bit overwhelmed at the new job, but would be good for me to make some time for it as well. I'll get my discord fired up again this week and then maybe reach out with some contact info.
Oh yeah, that'd be cool indeed and totally doable!
I hope the job thing smooths out soon. I have a couple on the go, both of which would severely impede my hive-time should I get them. Priorities right?
You got it right 100%
Thinking comes after the battery is charged.
But sometimes if a plan needs to be rearranged then I go with the flow.
Yeah, exactly...Sometimes things go awry and it's how we adapt that matters.
I'm so sorry about your friend. For me most times the thoughts come uninvited. Since I work from home and alone, that can't be avoided. Sometimes I'd be drawing and before I know it, I'm deeply engrossed in thoughts. I guess that's what makes me take too long over my drawings. Even when I'm involved in my craft work too it's same. I end up distracting the thoughts with movies while working. Thinking is just a part of my lifestyle everyday.
We all process and think differently, at different rates and circumstances...I guess the important thing is that we think and process right?
Absolutely.
I'm glad you got out for a drive and a think - definitely the best thing to do under circumstance. I always find driving clears my head too. Was thinking about you a lot today.
I needed it @riverflows...I need a bloody holiday full stop. You know? Like, a real one!
Yes, being there is something a few have said, and how I've done it in the past. The only thing is that normally I'd hop a flight but now? Well, that's not happening. I'll call daily, speak to the wife and the lad and a few on the ground there also who will, of course, make their presence felt.
Thanks for your message. I feel better after my little drive.
Sorry to hear about your friend, I also don't know what to say to loved ones under these tragic circumstances.
Thank you. I htink just being there is the best thing, but I find I always want to say something...I just never know what.
Sorry to hear that. Listening is the best art, I guess. In these situations we don't need to console others with words. Being there and listening to whatever they say is the best gesture you can have.
Thank you for your kind message and thoughts. It makes me feel better to know that my presence, even over the phone will make a difference. This mate lived a few thousand kilometres away so it's not possible to be there physically...but you're right, listening and being there will help. Thanks for your kindness.
Ardrossan sounds like an awesome name for a place. Nice writting, @galenkp.
It's a nice spot for sure, thanks so much for your comment. 😀
So sorry for your loss. I am also one person who doesn't know how to comfort people so I understand.
Hopefully, it gradually gets easy for his wife, I can't imagine how hard it is on her
It's all pretty raw right now and the sudden loss is weighing very heavily on the family. There was zero warning. Such a terrible situation. Thanks for your nice comment.
Sometimes, unexpected things happen and I'm so sorry for that.
You did right to release that anger by doing things you didn't expect to be that nice. You're a good friend and that's what made you like that. It's so sad that we can't make things go back.
Stay safe and be well.
Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate the sentiment. ✅
That is very sad to read.
When these things happen to people close to us is when we realize how important it is to give support, even the smallest one, to those remaining.
Those are the moments when we realize those who really care. Feel sorry for your friend and his family.
Thank you @santigs. It's a tragic set of circumstances that began 25 years ago when my mate enlisted. It is the way so often. He was a good mate and I'll be remembering him fondly and will honour him by helping his family deal with the struggle. Thanks for your message.
It is such a hard subject to answer. I have to wonder what kind of torture is going through that person's mind to be able to take one's own life. To get to that point, because it is sometimes viewed as a very selfish act, but, nobody has the right to say that, not having lived in their head.
I'm glad you reached out, and I hope that you take care of your own heart as well. There is no going back, so the only thing you can do is mourn, remember, and forward, always forward. He would want you to. He is released from his earthly pain and I hope he is in a better place. Nobody deserves hell on earth.
I wish he had been able to sort it all out, for his wife, his friends, and for him. But, the best you can do is exactly what you are doing. Being there. Just as you are. Be well and take good care of yourself.
It's years of torment, of anguish and the inability to make sense of things. Others never understand as they often have not been through it and we're all individuals and feel differently. It's tragic. It was probably quite inevitable. Sadly.
It's hard for those left behind and I can't imagine what it much be like for the partner. So tragic. I'll be calling his wife as soon as I get done with my coffee winners announcement post. It won't be a good call, but I owe it to my mate to make it. I'd fly up there if I was able but nope, can't. Thanks covid you asshole.
I'll be fine Swigs, thanks for saying it though. It's been a challenge.
As a partner, it is tragic. People shy away from you, especially if you are female. Your female friends think you want their husband, so slowly, after the initial grief wears off, friends start disappearing. People do too as they think you might ask them to do something for them. Even if they did tell you to ask, it is different when people take you up on it.
I am glad you will continue with the wife.
You are a good friend. ❤️
This happens so often Denise and is one of the reasons we rally around the family. It almost accelerates the friendship to a new but different level. This is when they need their support group. I speak with her each day, as do others and she messages when she needs. She is well supported, and also well left alone when she needs that also. It's a good bunch of people and we're tight, despite being scattered across the country and overseas.
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This type of thing always needs a bit of processing, glad you took that time. Are you going okay?
It does Ry. I'm good. I mean it all feels odd as usual, but I'm ok. Thanks for asking.
It is a thing that feels odd isn't it :/ glad to hear that you're okay.
😕
So sorry to hear about your loss.
At times I think why people take such drastic steps, that they end their life. But the biggest torture for family and friends is when they don't even get to know what the reason was for such a big step.
They leave and people behind keep burning in a hell of thoughts of why, why and why
I still remember, when I have been a kid around 8-10 years old,, wife of my cousin ended her life, just after one month my cousin too ended his life. They both left. His mother was totally shattered in pieces. We don't even know the exact reason today.
But as they say time heals everything. With time, we humans get better. The one who stay here has to move on and on and on.
May God give strength to the family. May he rest in peace.!!
Take care. Stay blessed!
It's a difficult thing to understand for most; how someone can get into such a dark place that they choose to end their life. Tragic and pretty destroying for those left behind. Thanks for your message.
I think just being there to listen is probably the best thing you did. Thanks for being around and for the boosts.
Yeah, it's the being there and making that known that really means the most I guess - Feeling helpless isn't something that's agreeable with my make-up though. I do what I can. What feels right.