Ok so just a really weird confusing ride about my life. For the few years I have existed on this earth all I can say is “damn”.
I have always been called lots of prestigious names and let me tell you its not easy trying to live up to the names, trying not to disappoint, ignoring your own feelings just to keep up with the good name.
There are times where I feel like am losing my sanity, slowly losing myself to the same people who do not care if you are fine mentally, emotionally, you are always required to be strong another reason I sympathize with the male gender, they are never asked if they are fine rather, they are expected to be strong all the time.
People may not notice it but the world is slowly losing its positivity, everyone is all about living to the expectations of the media forgetting the root, the people, beliefs.
Back to myself, loneliness has always been my forte and I cannot say I completely hate it, because there is safety in that forte, I get to keep my thoughts to myself cause it’s not worth sharing.
The pressure on the girl child in Africa is outrageous, you are expected to get married at a certain age, regardless if it’s your choice or not.
Should I say am lucky to be born in a family of eight girls? I get to decide if I want to get married or not (my mum mustn’t read this or I will lose that privilege). Although let me tell you having a large family and lots of siblings is no joke, they literally drive you to the edge just to see you break (a quick secret, I sometime get back at them without their knowledge).
I have always been weird and reserved which is a trait I would say am proud of, I study people, their reaction to pain, love, happiness, rejection and a whole lot of things so let’s just say am an emotional psychopath (really unbelievable cause am a really sweet girl with a melodious voice, so they said) if only someone can read my mind and see things the way I see them.
I love love, seeing people in love and thinking “I wanna be like them” but you know the saying “we don’t always get what we want”.
Sometimes I hate love too (I know am really confusing so don’t bother trying to understand me), the environment is pushing me too deep.
I won’t blame them though; I would blame the way some ladies present themselves and now every other female Have to suffer the objectification (apology in advance to who the statement offends). In my 21 years of life, I have come to hate my looks and body not that it is terrible but rather the attention it brings, when people call me beautiful, I feel this intense need to scrub off my face maybe cause subconsciously that word doesn’t register well in my head.
It’s so bad I cannot be free with myself. Everyone claims to like you rather they are with ulterior motives which is just one thing “sex”. I know every lady loves it when they are been regarded as sexually beautiful but not to the extent we are been seen as just dolls, not for been smart, hardworking rather just for the body. I may be exaggerating it but it won’t be so bad if we can get that bit of respect, I have been seeing improvements though in this modernized world. There are both advantages and disadvantages of our evolution and it’s something I am learning to live with.
I doodle sometimes (drifting I know), just random stuff though.
I guess at this point am signing off.. my emotion’s taking a toll on me.