When a person hurts someone, the first thought that usually comes to the mind of most people who are hurt is the desire to strike back. It feels like the sure way to balance the pain and prove that a person is not weak. But when emotions calm down and we look at the situation from a wider angle, it becomes clear that revenge does not always lead to healing. Instead, it raises the question, Is it really necessary to pay back for the wrong done to you, or is there a better way to move forward?
I had a conversation with one of my colleagues today and she shared a painful experience she had with her ex-fiancé. They had been together for over seven years without issues or quarrels. For this past seven years, there was no sign that either of them was cheating or even thinking of leaving the other person. The guy had even assured her several times that he would marry her once he is ready to settle down. Because of this promises he had made and the trust she had for him, she rejected other men who came her way. She believed she had found her partner for life.
But two months ago, things started changing. She started noticing unusual behaviour from him. His level of attention dropped, communication reduced, and each time she asked what was wrong, he blamed it on work and always claiming to be busy. She sensed something was off, but she held on.
Then last month, she discovered a secret that he has been hiding. She discovered that he had secretly gotten engaged to another woman and was already planning his wedding. How she found out made it even worse. He posted the wedding invitation card on his WhatsApp status, but blocked her from viewing it. Unfortunately for him, someone who knew both of them saw the card, snapped it, and sent it to her.
She was heartbroken. Seven years of loyalty, sacrifice, and commitment felt wasted in a single moment. Instead of confronting him immediately, she invited him over to her house and acted as though everything was fine. She didn't wanted to show to him that she knew what he did.
She prepared a meal and served him. After he finished eating, she told him she had poisoned the food. She asked him who the lady was with him in the invitation card and why he decided to betray her. The guy became worried thinking it was true that she poisoned his meal. When she saw his fear, she told him the truth, that there was nothing in the food. She told him that if she truly wanted to harm him, she had the chance, she would have done it but that wasn’t who she was. She only wanted him to understand how deeply he had hurt her.
He tried to explain and to begged for her forgiveness, but she refused. She sent him out of her house and swore she would take revenge for what he did to her, for the wasted years, the broken promises, and the pain he caused her. I tried convincing her not to pay back the evil that was done to her. I told her that sometimes a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. We talked for a long time, and she finally said she would think about it.
The truth is that revenge usually starts from a place of pain. Something happens, and instead of healing, we hold on to the hurt because we want the other person to feel the same pain to. It might appears like the right thing to do. But when the heart is filled with thoughts of payback, clarity begins to fade. Decisions become clouded, and anger grows into something bigger than the original issue.
One consequence of revenge is the internal effect it has on the person seeking it. Even when someone carries out revenge, the satisfaction is rarely real. Many people still feel empty because revenge cannot undo what had happened. It cannot reverse the betrayal, and it cannot change the past. Sometimes it adds even more pain, guilt, regret, or the realization that the act did not bring the peace they expected. Revenge may look like a solution, but the weight it leaves behind often stays longer than the anger that produced it. Paying back would not restore the lost years. Instead, letting go gives a chance to move forward without carrying bitterness into the future.
So I asked again, Is it necessary to pay back for the wrong done to you?