Yesterday I went on Twitter spaces to try and initiate an English language chat with a bunch of Japanese followers. Somehow though I ended up having an awesome chat with @belemo about living overseas instead.
He asked me one specific question that I think a lot of people probably wonder about… something like “How do you get used to living overseas? Don’t you feel alone there?”
I haven’t actually thought about this. I think to some extent, I’ve always felt alone and so there isn’t a big difference. I have never really felt like I belonged anywhere and so it never felt difficult for me to adapt to a new culture.
There is nothing that makes me feel particularly American, although there are some things which may be a little difficult to get used to.
I’ve always had friends, but I guess because I used the internet to connect with them as much as meeting IRL, I never felt physically tied to anyone or anywhere. I also jumped around from group to group in high school so doing the same as an adult is just natural to me.
It doesn’t mean I don’t value having a group of friends. I just don’t have a habit of relying on the same people all the time.
When I go to a new place, I know that I need to make some friends and acquaintances as quickly as possible if I really want to connect with the place. I know what I like and what kind of people I get along with so I try to figure out where I can find them.
I also just try to talk to as many people as I can. I talk to almost everyone in the restaurant, not to a crazy extent but I try hard to practice my language skills constantly.
I try to learn whatever I can from the people around me, and try to offer as much as I can do it’s a two way street.
This is how I ended up making a lot of friends, just practicing the language. I ask silly questions or questions that I’m interested in the answer to and follow a grammar pattern to learn that pattern well. It’s inevitable that’s you make friends like that eventually unless you say some weird shit to scare people away.
My first few months to a year in any place are just about learning the laws of the land, and by that I mean learning how to interact. I become like a baby and just take everything in. There are certain things I’ll never do and certain people I’ll avoid getting close with because they put a lot of pressure on others and I don’t want to deal with that, but in general, I try to just be as similar to locals as I can.
Once I feel more knowledgeable about the cultures and what’s considered ok and not ok, I will bend the rules and start to do things my way a whole lot more. A lot of times though, I can mix my way with the local way and it’s most comfortable for everyone
Even when I was drifting around from city to city every 2-3 months, I never really felt particularly alone. I can usually find someone to talk to in a few days, if not sooner. In the worst case scenario, I will move to a hostel with shared rooms where there are always people to meet. Even if most people are travelers, they keep things interesting and moving.
I don’t really have any expectations, at least, I try not to. I just imagine that there is a way to enjoy any place I go and I try to find it. Usually it works but I have gone to one or two places which were incredibly difficult for me until I met the right friend a few weeks or months in.
There was an 8 month period where I was working somewhere that felt really awful to me. Part of it was my mindset about the place and comparing it to many other places, but part of it was the values of people who moved there.
It was a commercial center that didn’t have the same art and cultural aspect of some major hubs like New York, Tokyo or Paris. Most people there only cared about money. It wasn’t like money was a priority, they literally had nothing else. Local people were cool but they took years to warm up.
I made a few acquaintances but everyone was so extremely cynical and it was hard to connect to a local scene because I lived so far away from any local shops…only shopping malls nearby.
Now I know that having local businesses and some kind of relaxed cafe or bar OR just some traditional laid back shops OR a kind of open minded community are really important to me and I won’t live somewhere without any of those.
This is definitely a topic I want to think about more. I feel like I can give an even better answer if I put some thought into it and I think it might be of value to some of you who haven’t travelled much or people who travel a lot but never really seem to connect with the locals.
For now, I hope that will be useful to someone 🦄
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I remember how lonely I felt in university because it was states away from my life and family, so it always scares me when I think about traveling abroad and I think it's the major reason I am not pushing to as I should be.
I guess I was lucky to find friends who felt like family and a few neighborhoods that I liked more than my home because a sense of community. It's hard to live in my hometown since aside from my parents and brother I feel like I have nothing. I have a few friends but I have more close friends around the world than in my hometown
Yeah, you were so lucky to have that, I didn't when I was in university.
My state is the same way but then again I wouldn't consider myself as someone with an active social life so I don't mind it.
If you want more of a social life, I'm sure you can find it, you have a charming personality. If not, there's lots of cool stuff to do by yourself too 😝
I get overwhelmed when I spend too much time around people so I try not to a lot and here in my state there's practically nothing to do alone.
This is an eye-opener. I know of people that always finds it hard to connect with others especially people from different culture.
In my case, I'm VERY Crosscultural. It's visible in all aspect of my life.
I shared the post you made yesterday to a friend. The one that has the same issue. She is a Pakistan so, when she thanked me and we had further chit-chats. By the end of everything, I said "In Sha allah" and she said "Amen". Lol.
I've lived with people of various religion and culture. This weekend, I will be relocating completely to start living in a Yoruba land. And I'm pretty sure that it would be a nice experience.
I'd hope that my next move would take me to an international scene. I can't wait to physically meet other people from all walks of life. Especially Asians.
Boring? There is no boredom or loneliness in living in a new place. Not for me
Your attitude sounds like someone who would thrive anywhere 😉 if I can do it so can you.
Before you have a chance to go abroad at least you have a rich variety in Nigeria to explore. It’s a little overwhelming for me because I can’t learn it first hand but I’m interested in the differences between tribes. I’ve heard about the apprentice culture, is Yoruba?
Im not Asian but in another 5 years I would have spent half my life here, so always feel free to ask me anything. Can’t speak so specifically on Korean, I know you are interested in it.
Hahah... The culture here is really diverified and you will get multiplicity of it.
I dunno about apprenticeship in Yoruba. Methinks it's more of an Igbo stuff. I'm an Igbo and a typical Igbo man will always opt for apprenticeship. Back in the days, whole Igbos where going into apprenticeship,the Yorubas were going to school.
I would still get to live in the midst and get first hand experience of all this.
As for the Asian stuff, I can't wait to breath the smooth refreshing air in Korea. Hahah.
You ar living a life of adventure. An enviable one at that
Lol I can see how my life looks like an adventure. It was for 6 or 7 years. These days I'm just living in the city. 😝 but I have many adventures in my mind.
Sorry I got the tribes mixed up. I will learn but by bit
For me if I get to a new place, I will observe for a short while maybe few weeks or month to know the kind of people around and from there I will start relating with those who I find Amazing and I end up making lot of friends
If you are adaptable, it's not hard to make friends in most places. Of course there are things that take a while to understand, but when you show people that you are making an effort they will understand.
Does people easily understand like that in this time we are now
Just now, out of the blue, my daughter asked me which one I like better - the Philippines or the UAE. Of course, I said, the Philippines. I really miss my homeland. I could not say this to myself 3 years ago. I would always say that I was not ready yet to the lifestyle that we'll have in the suburbs of PH which contrasts the convenience ofna highly developed city like Abu Dhabi.
Also to my surprise, my daughter said that she likes the Philippines more. She only had a chance to visit there 3x, each one not longer than 3 weeks. She said she likes the peace and quiet, and driving around with my father in his car!
Honestly, it is much easier for me to stay overseas because my own little family is here. But my heart is now aching for PH because I feel that 16 years is already long enough.
I hate to say it, but Dubai (from what I've heard) reminds me of that city that made me feel lost and lonely...it's certainly different having a family from how I was living. I can personally imagine liking the Philippines much more because I don't really enjoy business and consumer culture very much, but who knows. It depends on who I meet or what I find.
I am a little jealous. I've never missed my home, at least not as much as I miss other places I have been. I want to take a drive there and visit a few places, but aside from my small family, I can't think of much that I really need to see there.
So I guess your husband is not from PH then?
My PH friend in Japan really really really misses home too, and his Japanese wife prefers it too but the kids are in junior high and want to stay in Japan.
FWIW Dubai lifestyle does not appeal to me as well. It is too fast-paced and unlike Abu Dhabi where everything seems to be within walking distance. And oh, even driving in Dubai is a pain -- missing an exit then spend 20 minutes more to get back on track, compared to here in Abu Dhabi where the next Uturn slot is only just a few meters away. But yeah, if you were to speak with a person who loves the buzz, lights, and glitz, then Dubai it is.
The main reason I miss home is that I want to spend more time with my parents who are now in their senior years. I'd love for them to get to play with their grandkids more coz my children are the only ones they have.
My husband is also a Filipino but both of us found careers here and so we had to build the family here too. We'd really love for our kids to get to know the PH culture more and this place is not the best for that obviously. So hopefully soon, we can go back to PH and stay there for good.
Abu Dhabi sounds more interesting to me, but in the end it's really all about the people you spend your time with I guess. My problem is that I always want to meet new people.
Well at least you can visit PH as soon as travel opens up again. It sounds like such a great place. Despite some complaints about politics or living standards, everyone tells me they love it, both locals and foreigners. And I don't want to generalize too much but I have a very easy time getting along with most PH people, it seems quite balanced between eastern and western influence, and that's ideal for me.
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After living in so many countries i recently started feeling very lonely in a way. It actually felt empowering. The loneliness had to do with various things, such as my indifference and the fact that i adapt to things much earlier than the masses. At times when these things become mainstream, then everyone just follows or mimics without even understanding the underlying science behind it. Other who actually had to research and understand a logic were deviating from set paths. I think living in other countries can really give a lot of perspectives on things. Specially once one returns. The irony is that one might have traveled to far in ones mind for a local person to understand what one means.
It is kind of empowering to not need anyone. I think that's where I draw a lot of strength now, but it doesn't mean I don't make efforts to connect and value community, quite the opposite. I try not to NEED them though.
I find that connecting on whatever we can connect on is more valuable to both parties than trying to see eye to eye on everything. So a lot of friends and acquaintances don't get crypto but they have everything else in common. and a lot of my crypto friends don't understand my non-crypto friends but that's ok.
As long as you're able to connect with people anywhere, then I reckon you wouldn't feel lonely. That's a gift, one I wish I had in my arsenal
It's something you can learn. Just force yourself to speak to people more and don't worry too much about the result cause most people forget quickly and you can try again
I'm in a new state and doing this is has been the only way me to meet new people.
Some people turn down my conversations but eyy...at least I can say I tried
I had a lonley weekend though...it was also notably less productive
It’s not always easy. Of course I don’t know but I imagine Nigeria as a place where it’s easy to meet people but not always easy to meet people who are open minded or interested in different ideas and lifestyles. Also maybe people will think you want something from them? Is that true?
Is it common/safe to meet people online?
Yeah...naturally
It took a while for me to stop thinking that way.
Online is also cool...but there stories of people getting missing
Ahhh be careful man. I hope you meet people soon. Maybe at hive you can find some IRL friends
Yeah...I'll try to...
But ir seems I'm the only one using Hive around here