Wars. Bloodied floors. Torn down walls. I have a list of ways to describe those unscrupulous events. Maybe I can go about it a different way. Maybe I shouldn’t really ponder that much but then, my mind is wired to think in that direction.
It’s 00:23am here and I hate overthinking. I don’t like anything or anyone that puts me in the situation where I begin to question myself. Where I begin to question my worth, efforts or if I’m doing enough. I know people don’t intentionally mean to hurt us, especially people who love us, doesn’t mean I can’t help feeling neglected or hurt. I’m still human after all and while I always try to put myself in the shoes of others, I am not God – I do not have limitless patience.
I remember something I told my best friend while she was going through a bad breakup. I told her whatever she needed to do, she should. There was no use trying to play it mature especially with the kind of pain she was experiencing in that moment. I told her to go ahead and do childish things so she could let off steam. She did and it was in no way the solution but atleast, she didn’t have to deal with certain things.
Now, I find myself thinking and feeling the same things. Only that this time I am questioning myself. Am I doing enough? How else can I show up? Maybe I should do more. These thoughts have successfully suppressed every other thing in me and now, as though I can feel again, I feel angry. Angry that I am subjected to these many questions when heaven knows I show up in every way possible that I can. I’m angry because I feel like I’m not doing enough because they are silent.
I’m feeling angry because I’m now burdened with finding solutions to a rift. Maybe I’m not but I feel so. All of a sudden, it feels like I should have stepped up and done things differently. After all, I’m not the only woman in history. I have to “mature” and be more understanding. But I step up all the time, can I just get a break? Why do I have to step up here? What am I missing?
Honestly, from my heart to this page, I am trying. All of a sudden, I can understand the ladies better. The ones who complained bitterly to me and in my ignorance, I gave them empty advice. I think in all honesty, this stage is here and set so I could learn from it. An artist, Sasha Sloan, said something of the sort in her song “Until It Happens To You”,
You'll never really know how it feels
'Til it happens to you
I don’t like looking at things as obstacles but challenges to rise above. I’m already feeling better just penning my thoughts here. I’m saying I totally get it, I understand, doesn’t mean I’m not beginning to grow cold. This numbness I feel inside should upset me. Well it used to, then I got used to it and now, I don’t see past it anymore. I don’t know anymore honestly.
I don’t want to go into the details. I just needed to get this off my chest here and feel better. That’s what writing is to me. Therapy. I can pen down things and my heart feels lighter. The versions I post of my transparent feelings are mostly diluted. I’d already sifted it and taken away the TMI that most people don’t deserve to be blessed with unless they are really close to me.
Maybe I wasn’t really cut out for this. I hate feeling inadequate and insecure. I’ve had to do silly things just to protect my peace. This I do because I have responsibilities I carry. I have people to care and show up for, I have people who (as crazy as it sounds) look up to me. I can’t keep dwelling on those who choose to remain silent. I won’t know what to do or how to do it unless you tell me. I’m just tired of second guessing and asking myself silly questions.
As I pen it down here, from my heart to this page, it’s an honest goodbye. Those thoughts won’t haunt me anymore. I’ve grown numb to it. Those dreams have no power over me anymore. I’ll focus on those who are willing to talk, to keep me updated. I’ll just focus on providing. I’m tired of blaming myself.
Now, as I look at these words again… 01:09am, I’m wondering if I’m doing too much and if I should just wipe it all off. Maybe I should just write about something else. I have a few thoughts but this particular one just dominates them. I don’t know what it is God is doing with letting me experience these things, but I’m not discouraged. I’m just exhausted, emotionally. Maybe there’s a deeper message and I’m not just looking hard enough. Am I way too distant? I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Which is why I’m hoping that His Words light up my path tonight…
We have to just be strong when facing all these challenges cos we have no escape route to running away from them.
Either directly or indirectly, we can't sort them by overthinking or overstressing ourselves because we think we ain't doing enough especially when it comes to people we love and care for and ourselves as the center of the receiver of any consequences that follows the challenges.
Remaining strong, facing our fears and no matter what the result may be, we should keep it strong in our hearts with no wavering that we tried our best but just didn't work out. Not even everything God created within that 6days worked out to give him happiness (for instance human) so as long as we are created in his image then we are bound to inherit from his features so never provoke yourself because nothing is going right at the moment and you're blaming it on yourself
You summed it all up. Thank you very much for this heartfelt comment.
You're welcome ☺️
!PIMP
When we feel like we're not doing enough , it can be overwhelming. Sometimes, we need to prioritize, let go of some certain things and focus on what truly matters to overcome challenges.
Focusing on what truly matters. That’s how it’s done.