Good one. But couple of improvement suggestions:
try to slow the story line down, it’s too fast.... meaning events don’t need to happen so quickly your reader feels hurried
ask questions to the audience, that way they feel engaged and you feel relaxed as if you are talking to them
surprise is good, but there are two ways to do it, build it up, or give a jolt without any pretense, you chose the later. If that is the case then make the case even more flat
fix typos ;)
Thanks, Dada, I will try to follow these suggestions. In a story tempo is very important factors. And the suspense should come with a flow. That's how the readers interact with a story or a fiction.